Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Monday, January 3, 2011

Letting Go of the Past...The Fighter..Forgiveness

The fighter decides to take off her gloves...laying them in the box...closing the cardboard top and says goodbye...
For as long as I can remember..I have had to fight. I am a survivor and needed that skill to get me to this point.
Growing up, I fought for my mothers attention...I fought to keep my father away...I strong armed my siblings for a larger helping at dinner...we argued over who would get the clean pair of matching socks or the uniform that wasn't ripped...for clothes that were clean. I developed the mentalities and strategies needed for my physical survival.
I learned to steal quite effectively. I stole money, from stores,from relatives, it really didn't matter...I needed to eat. While I was married I learned to lie to bill collectors and landlords...its what I needed to do, at the time.
My whole mindset was warped around survival and making it through to the next day, payday, paycheck.
One cannot have hopes or dreams when actively engaged in the day to day aspects of scraping by.
My entire being centered, for many years, on simply surviving and fighting. I have grown quite accustomed to having a battle or two going on.
I play poker online and always find one person at the table and turn them into the antagonist. I call them names, write wicked things on the chat and just really pick on them. Its like I am perpetually looking for a if I don't know how to behave if everyone was neutral or on my side...Fighting has become a way of life for me.
Control...I have become quite the over controlling person. Seems like when you are young and frequently abused and raped you get quite an attitude about feeling powerless and just really, really want someone to pay and someone to control.
Then again, maybe I have just found a part of me that wishes she had fought against the abuser harder and more vehemently. Maybe I have yet to forgive myself for not fighting harder way back then. That...sounds about right.
That my friends, is survivor mentality. Because I failed to fight enough then...I will give grief and dismay to anyone and anything that gets near. As if i have to prove to myself that I am a worthy opponent. Seems almost silly when the pages are brought out and read in the daylight.
No wonder it seems like the abuser still has a lack of forgiveness has kept the battle going.
I have forgiven him..I have forgiven him..thats the easy part. Now, its time for me to forgive the person that matters most and is the hardest to

when you can forgive yourself..the battle is won

what does forgiveness look like? a tightrope bound around the hands and throat is loosened and falls away, down the cliff onto the rocky shoals below. And I stand and look at the scars, the burns that the ropes caused. Arms outstretched..for the first time

a wise woman once said "forgiveness is the root cause of all suffering and disease"..I laughed when I first heard i'm starting to believe (Louise Hay "You Can Heal Your Life")

No comments: