Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Having Aspergers and Being a Survivor of Sexual and Physical Abuse

This week I have been able to separate out my Aspie symptoms from my behaviors that stem from all the childhood abuse issues. They can mimick each other so well...but I think I have gained some clarity.
I used to think it was my Aspieness that caused me to flinch inwardly and outwardly when people moved near me, especially suddenly. Other observations: I have to have my back against a wall, not a door mostly because of the times I'd be sitting at the dinner table and my dad would come up behind me and yank me out of my seat by my hair. Just having that happen once is enough to give anyone a complex and it happened often.
I don't turn my back on people. I couldn't even count the amount of times I was hit or had something thrown at me when my back was turned.
I guess you could say I'm a little jumpy and maybe it isn't the Aspie in me.
I have bouts of serious low self-esteem...moments where I feel people just want to use me for some nepharious purpose. It's hard to find a sense of worth when one spent so much time being the victim that everyone liked to use.
I wish my parents had known what love was. I wish the "penalty" for abusing someone who had Aspergers was doubled...because that survivor put it bluntly, double-fucked and has to work twice as hard...every day.
I don't know exactly where the sexual abuse ends and the Aspergers starts.
Manfear...another product of the abuse. There are only a few guys that do not illicit a visceral fear within.

I don't much I want to address my "issues".... How much time and effort to put into that....the list seems long and almost endless. Idk if I should just let me be the way I am and work around them there issues.
Dang, being me is a full-time job...I've actually known that for quite awhile...just every now and then I get a respite...a break from incessant self-analysis and trying to fix and heal.
I'm safe now....surrounded by healthy, caring people and possessing a wonderful bunker called home.....if only the remnants, the tailings, the hauntings of the past could dissipate and I can find out who I am underneath all the survivor behaviors and remembrances.
Such is life