I call my self an Alien and am quite comfortable with it. I see my self as being far removed from the majority of peoples. What makes me Alien? Everything. Almost everything about me is different than you.
I talk different in that I am literal and honest. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I love Old English and tend to sprinkle my writings and conversations with "thee", "thou" and "methinks".
I engage in "neologism", making up new words like "manfear"(fear of men) and aspiestion (a typical Aspie question...usually a question the recipient has never, ever been asked before, like "before you were born, where were you?" or "why do peoples need more than one pair of shoes?")
I talk in visual verbals. When I met someone for the first time, it felt like I walked in one door, he walked in another, we sat at the same table and ordered the same food. ( I felt an immediate, lost-family-member-like connection.) or "my gaping wound from the traumatic event is slowly closing and healing."
I write and speak of emotions as often being weather-related. "When will it stop raining?" and any reference to rain, is about tears and sadness. Tornados and storms are in reference to my internal chaos and emotional turmoil. When the sun is out, I am happy.
I feel quite androgynous...not feeling really female or male. I have feminine undertones but am most comfortable dressing male, in mens attire.
I have a close, odd, intimate relationship with my clothing. It's like my protective layer. I have to wear just the right thing for each occasion and outing. I wear clothes to impress no one nor ever to make a fashion statement. I simply wear what feels and looks "right" to me. It's my outermost skin.
Speaking of skin...I'm not very in touch with my body. Most of the time it feels like a glove two sizes too big with an uncomfortable, clumsy fit. I have physical tics where my hands, arms and legs do unpredictable, semi-controllable nonsense movements or, as I like to call them, little dances, fits or spazzes. Stress makes them much more prevalent and noticeable but even at home, every day of the week, I walk around doing arm and hand dances, grasping, snapping, picking at invisible dust specks, feet moving in patterns to silent music. And these tics...feel good and right.
Most of the time, I am confused by the world around me and what is taking place. I cannot understand why peoples gossip and how they can so easily have multiple conversations and not be completely exhausted.
I wasn't born equipped to talk, to be amongst others, to comprehend the outside world or to handle emotions.
My every day is simply one challenge after another. I have to think and figure out how to do the simplest of things from getting dressed, how to make lunch (even if it is the same thing everyday, which it is, I have to remember all the steps in the proper order), which errand to run first, prioritize the household needs and chores and balance my own needs based on my mood of the day.
It is exhausting.
I look at others......man, the ease with which they flow through their day.....how they handle and deal with emotions that are not tsunamis, but small intense blips.....the ease of interaction....their ability to hold down a job and actually multi-task.....how they know, instinctively when and where to turn for help and assistance......how to joke and tease appropriately...I am nothing like that.
Alien and Proud
