It's hard to ask for help. My overly high expectations of myself cause me to want to just suck up and deal with whatever comes my way. As it is difficult for me to measure/ evaluate my level of physical pain, it is equally hard to determine what is uncomfortable and to what degree.
Do I shut up, man up and deal with an upcoming social situation? Or do I...somehow figure that the stress lode may be too great and ask someone to help me get out of or change the upcoming event?
See, I don't like being special like that. I'm uncomfortable acknowledge that I need help. I don't know which mandatory situations I Have to attend to or which ones I have a say in changing, postponing, altering or eliminating.
I am highly intelligent...why do I need help? Why can't I handle every situation completely on my own? What if I ask and no one can help?
I have no barometer, no way to measure how much discomfort and stress is "normal". Do others have this much anxiety? What is too much anxiety?
Nobody can tell me what a "normal" person feels like and experiences. I can not comprehend.
Case in point, until I went on anti anxiety meds, about five years ago, I did not know or feel that I was stressed and anxious. Once I started the medication, I realized that I was running at about 8 on the 1-10 anxiety scale, with 10 being unrelenting and pure chaos. I did not know I needed meds because my normal was feeling agitated and nervous everyday. What I know and experience is All I know. I cannot compare.
The Aspie runs on her own engine, on her own track, never seeing the other trains. In my case, all the other engines were going muchmuch slower.
I don't know when it's appropriate and proper to ask for assistance, so I just suck it up and deal. I cannot comprehend and measure my own pain, emotional and physical, and my wn discomfort.
I'm not difficult, just perpetually confused.
It's so weird...I feel like I'm manipulating people when I ask for help. After all I'm an adult and intelligent, can't I handle everything?
I can't predict any events or situations, in the future. I am completely clueless as to how I will react or feel in the Actual Moment. When I cross the bg Mackinaw Bridge, I never know if it will produce a panic attack until I'm actually on the bridge. I can be totally nervous the entire drive to the bridge, and then nonchalant, with absolutely no fear, cross it. Other times, I have been perfectly calm the way to the bridge, only to totally freak out once I actually saw it.
The uncertainty of being me.
I never knw what tomorrow brings...much less the next moment.
