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The Unreachable Aspergian

There are some traits that I perform very well. One of them is, I can become completely Unreachable. I used to only experience the negative, out-of-my-control aspects...those times I felt so overly sensatized that withdrawal was a natural, unwanted characteristic.
Oh, it continues to play into the innate defenses I've been born with, but there are times when it feels good, just, right and downright healthy.
I see and sense who I am and what my needs are and where I want to go.
It's about being unbridled, unbeholden and unaffected by someone else's opinions and drives. It feels like the sage autonomy has risen.
I answer to no one and feel at ease within myself, complete, unbothered.
Aspergers can often be more blessing than curse. Think about it. See it in the light.
  Be well my fellow autistics. Let your light shine if only for yourself.

I want to run away

Merry Christmas Sheldon and All

Plath Quoted

Sylvia is Happy

Solstice Haiku

Chronic or Sudden Illness

...is a big, huge Stop sign. Something we are doing in our lives needs to change and/ or thoughts and patterns have grown to the point of making us sick. Repressed emotions can only be stuffed so long till they manifest as illness.
Illness can allow us to have the opportunity to slow down, drop out of the rat race, search our spirit, ferret out the unhealthy and negative aspects of our lives and regroup.
It is a wake up call, manifested in the physical, but indicative of distress in mind, spirit, environment, choices, thinking and/ or body.
Toxic relationships, toxic thoughts and toxic patterns are just that, poison.
Take the down time given you to reassess where you are in life, how you feel, are you happy?, is work fulfilling?, are you amongst healthy people?, do you have an outlet to share your emotions?....what are you hiding, deep down inside...that you wish wasn't there? It will continue to make you sick.
Start journaling, write down your dreams, admit what hurts you and what you are afraid of. Talk about how your disease makes you feel. And what possible benefits it can bring.
I've never gotten enough sleep, like, ever. I've been in hyper vigilant mode as long as I can remember. My body and my brain have never had enough rest. Maybe that's one small reason I have enormous fatigue. Or maybe I'm just overwhelmed and need to chill, or get calm or....hmmm, focus on taking care of me? Strange thought, fer sure.
I think illness is not all bad. I think I'm learning a few things here.

Thoughts on "Into the Wild", Teenagers and Aspergers, When a Grown Child Suddenly Leaves

So many thoughts and much to say.
I finished the book, Into the Wild, and am thoroughly convinced, in my humble opinion, that Chris McCandless had Aspergers. My latest "red flags" are; He possessed grand-grandiose spiritual ambitions; He had a need to test himself in ways "that mattered"; an idealism that defies logical explanation; great concern for social issues such as racism and world hunger; inherent mistrust of government and laws; moral altruism- a challenge in which a successful outcome is assured, isn't a challenge at all; He measured himself and those around him by an impossible rigorous moral code.
I know of one other that has these qualities and I have some as well, though mine have been tempered by poverty and age.
  There are grown children who up and leave their loving parents, with little or no warning because they have to follow their own inner, innate desires. For awhile, after my son left a day after he announced his departure, I felt that I must have erred, made some mistakes and was a bad parent. It took months before I realized that his leaving had Zero to do with me and everything to do with his spiritual calling.
Let's face it, when the baby bird leaves the nest, caring parents get worried sick. We need to trust that we have done all we can, loved them enough, provided guidance by demonstration and example, and provided them with a firm, steady base upon which they can spread their wings...and yes, fly off and far away.
There is no fault, no blame, no guilt...some children turned adults need to get away and find out what they are made of without any support, money or phone calls from mom. Moms need to realize it's okay to grieve, feel lost and be concerned with their offspring, their fledgling and just trust that this is the way it is. An adult has the right to live their own life, as they see fit without any advice or assistance, if that is what the adult child wants.
My son returned after seven months abroad and about a dozen, one sentence text messages. I'm fairly confident he will leave again, abruptly, at the time of his choosing and off to places he will not share. I'm learning to be okay with that.
His life is just that, his life to live.

Chris McCandless and Aspergers

I'm more than halfway through the book, a fast and easy read, and have a myriad of clues that he had Aspergers. The signs and symptoms correlate precisely with those of my Aspie son.
It's eerie, unsettling and revealing. It's as if I'm reading and beginning to understand  my son's passionate desire for living off the grid and by his own wits. I'm starting to believe this is hard wired and not the result of an Aspie mom raising an autistic son.
Off the top of my head, here are just a few of the similarities:
Highly intelligent, comfortable being alone, dramatic mood shifts, difficulty expressing emotion and having relationships, doesn't listen to anyone who doesn't agree with him or tries to give advice, concrete goals with little consequences considered, does Not like rules that seem unfair, does Not believe in monotonous conformity, money is useless, moral standards are off the charts, his way or the highway, a certain few possessions are like friends, not things, very focused interests, speaks passionately about his beliefs and wants others to seriously consider them, charming and charasmatic- even one meeting with them is memorable, never to be forgotten, extensive vocabulary, love of all things nature, science, archeology; obsession with living completely independent and off of the land...the list seems endless.
The book is rather dry, in parts, where the author ventures off and writes of others on personal wilderness quests. Yet, at the same time, he gives Chris more depth that is left out of the movie version.
Autonomous young men driven by soul or spirit, to experience life with as few things and people as possible, testing their abilities and gaining what they need via personal experiences questing...in a sentence.
I'm understanding so much more. It's been helpful. Still, pretty damn eerie, but quite insightful.

I pray for peace

River

Earlier, I felt as a rogue river gone placid, calm. Nary a stir on it's surface. Tepid water, rippleless as I submerged to my shoulders. Individualized colors float on the surface, intermingling yet never losing their contours or hue.
Ah, yes, earlier today, I felt a foreign peace.

More Pain

Hurts so bad, I can't even think. Brief respites when I can sense the hidden sun.
Bobbing in turbid waters, holding my breath. Haltering tenuous steps that screech silently. Stooped back fearing each step, haltering, cautiously deliberating the ratio of need to body scream.
Movement, the slightest of which feels like a punch in the back.

Overspending

Coffee at Night with Sylvia Plath

A Kiss

Pluto and Once Dead Planets

I love my Discover magazine. This month's issue is a favorite with the Top 100 Stories of 2015.
New Horizons space probe and Pluto rank at numero uno. For 85 years, Pluto has been a fuzzy speck of light. But no longer.
New discoveries are true rarities in the age of instantaneous global transmissions. I'm utterly fascinated, smitten even, with this sudden unveiling of an alien world complete with detailed intricate landscapes along with new theories.
What struck me as most poignant was the fact that Pluto, it's moon Charon, and asteroids were once assumed to be dead celestial bodies, barren and nothing more than floating debris. Pluto and Charon were discovered to be dynamic, alive, geological active bodies.
Think about it, the hundreds of thousands of asteroids filling the Kuiper Belt, we're previously thought to be space garbage...now, each is alive, possibly geological active. Searching for an appropriate comparison...it's as if we thought the ocean was empty and lifeless, only to finally get below the surface and find it teeming with a plethora of species, fish, sharks, eels, jellyfish, starfish and whales. I was practically jumping up and down and my mind lept in new possibilities while digesting this fascinating information.
We thought we were the only planet and all around us was useless and dead. Now, the universe is alive and we are surrounded by enigmatic mystery bodies that may hold clues and information anew.
I've spent hours perusing and researching this topic and it's filling my days and nights with intriguing possibilities.
Okay, this is akin to the invention of the microscope...suddenly the average surface was found to be teeming with entire species and subspecies previously anomalous and hidden.
Science and Life is dynamic and exhilarating!!!

Heavy Metal Detoxing with No Tyme for Lyme

The benefits of the homeopathic spray, "No Tyme for Lyme", does not list heavy metal detox but I am positive that it does just that.
I remember my dreams frequently. I'm no stranger to dream interpretation theory and subscribe to it.
After starting, No Tyme, I have had three dreams of a similar nature, all within the first week. The first dream I found myself spitting out, into my hand, piece after piece of flat various metals, shaped like rectangular wafers.
The second dream, I looked at my left hand. Embedded within my thumb and first finger were two separate, rusty old large nails more like skinny daggers. My middle finger contained a two-pronged dagger which was causing me pain.
The third dream has proven to be the most detailed and extensive. I found myself casually walking around wearing a white shirt. I was staring at my left, and as I walked, metallic, mercury appearing liquid would surface out of my pores. With each step, more of this fluid. I would wipe my hand on my shirt whereby the fluid would turn a coppery tone. I felt uneasy and confused by this and it continued to happen but only with walking. If I stopped, the fluid stopped.
A second aspect of this dream...I was observing the palm of my, yet again, left hand. Vine-like, root-like small, thin...structures?, were growing out of the center. (Interesting that this recollection brings to mind a large, disturbing wart that I actually had, in that exact location in the 5th or 6th grade.) Being quite concerned about this..I'm not sure what to call it...grouping of ..growths, I stopped to ask a wise appearing man what it was. He stated that he had never seen anything like it before.
My thoughts now, are that these outcroppings were some type of metal byproduct...almost like a beige-tawny sludge, that was leaving my body.
  Thus, three different dreams portraying four different toxic substances leaving my body. Quite remarkable and a very positive sign.

I am hopelessly in love, Rosebud

Monster in the Mirror

The Somnambulist

Painting by John Millais

I've been having great difficulty falling asleep before 4 am. My body exhibits all the symptoms of tiredness and lethargy, yet my mind is as agile as a Spring day.

I tend to wander about the house. Is it frustration? Am I searching or in need of something, someone, a certain word or feeling?

Am I finding no peace, unsettled with myself?  Am I trying to solve a mystery?

I tend to snack frequently and food tastes better in the dark...well, chocolate does anyway.

I feel no fear, nothing scary going on. I'm restless. Tossing and turning to the point where I throw myself off the couch and pace and wander...hoping to calm my active, racing mind.

I feel unobssessed. Nothing particular is bothering me. Oh, I replay therapy, scenarios, art projects. Mostly I'm challenged to slow down and still myself, inside.

Nothing going on...above the surface...but I'm thirsty, I want something and I have no idea what that something is.

I'm not quite comfortable to sleep, like I'm displaced. Maybe I'm just distressed in some subconscious way. Maybe I'm fitting pieces together from opposing sides. Maybe I'm feeding a very old and distant hunger.

I replay therapy because it's this homey, strange place where I'm me and the things said and done are worthy of replaying over and over and over so I comprehend. Therapy and dreams are the only places where I'm heard, it makes sense, and I am free to be me...well, those places and nightime, that is.

It's safe at night. Maybe I simply need more of that freedom right now.

No Tyme for Lyme, new treatment

https://youtu.be/Eg05SFRGZFQ
So, I've started a new protocol in addition to antibiotics, supplements, Bee Venom Therapy BVT and acupuncture.
No Tyme for Lyme, check out the video, is a homeopathic product that works by changing cell signaling and pathways. It's hard to describe. I watched the video, asked questions in my BVT group and decided to try it.
Speaking of BVT groups, there are a couple on fb. I was in both but became disenamored with an All Caps, seriously, all her posts are egotistical and annoying all caps, administrator who demanded answers and was kinda weirdy.
Thus, I left that bad experience and like the one I am in.
The product is a light, mist spray administered under the tongue 2-3 times a day with 1-3 sprays each. Well, I started my first day with 2 sprays twice. A couple days later, I had a really bad herx and was back to being bedridden for a few days. That alone told me the spray Did something.
After a few days off of it, I started spraying once a day, only one time. The results are rather dramatic. My energy level improved! My previously numb legs starting feeling normal again And I could walk three times farther. My head cleared. I can think more productively and I'm not nearly as fatigued and sleepy.
The side effects that happened were some dizziness at first. That should have told me I was taking too much. I also have some unwanted thoughts...like my brow chakra opened too fast. I'm a bit more of an insomniac. My body unsure of what to do with this newfound, long lost energy.
It's hard to find online as its quite new.
I am not a doctor. I'm not saying take this. I'm saying it works for me and is worth looking into for my fellow sufferers.
It's early in this new avenue of treatment but I really wanted to share. I know, all to well, the desperation of having Lyme.

Some relationships be like...