As I was painting and listening to my girl, Kate Bush screeching a favorite song, the oddest thought struck me, as they often do when I hit "the zone" wherein the outside fades away as my soul speaks...it's an arting thingy I've experienced multiple times before...I was dumbstruck by how many hours upon hours and weeks upon weeks I used to wish I was dead.
The entire childhood was splattered with this thought and then gave way to less quantity and higher intensity throughout the teen years. Hell, I believe the majority of my twenties were spent just trying not to kill myself.
And I don't want to write about it, so I know that I must.
If I were to take each, singular instance were I wish I was dead and write it on a 1 inch by 2 inch piece of paper, I surmise that I could easily fill a 10' x 10' foot room with the small papers. It was that pervasive and prevalent...I was pure misery shuffling down a darkened, garbage infested alley.
I'm guessing this old ideology surfaced because I've been working on my root, core blockages. If you believe something long and often enough, it just becomes a silent, integral part of who you are.
It's time to change.
I change by awareness and acknowledgement.
I heal by bringing the blockage from the darkness into the light, examining it, writing about it and transforming it within my hands like putty or clay.
I don't want this thought any more. My current life is all awonder, peaceful and content. I no longer have any desire to die, no, I want to live, live deeply, deliberately and to learn enjoyment and allow happiness to rein.
The darkness dragged me down. Sadness poured cold pools at my feet. My mind drifted away constantly trying to escape the now, the painful present and the flashbacking past.
I'm not being beaten, tormented or forced into silence anymore. The external chains have been broken into pieces. Now, it's time to take the paper filled room...and let it burn, let it blaze and may the flames release all those thoughts and set me free.
I've earned it. I've fought for healing and I deserve it.
