*ex never apologized for anything because everything from their weight to their overspending was our fault
*controlled all the finances and hid thousands of dollars in debt. Our fault we didn't clip enough coupons for food, seriously, that was said to us more than once
*lied about everything from still being married, to selling a car with known defects, to having a nickname at work
*felt they could go through our emails on smart phone, and check through our computer because we lived in their house. Their house meant everything in it belonged to them. All personal electronic devices had to be locked.
*no trust in the relationship
*no sharing of feelings or emotions
*never gave a compliment except on the rare occasion I cooked a good meal.
*separate bedrooms for the majority of the relationship because they had to use smelly fabric softener even though it meant we could never sleep in the same bed.
*I slept on the couch for ten years, in a three bedroom house.
*mice and vermin ran through the ceiling all night long. I kept asking them to fix it, get an exterminator but they refused until after I left.
*they were the decision maker, the one who decided everything. If they decided something and I didn't like it, they'd do it anyway.
*when I was bedridden with disease, they wouldn't take time off work to help me get to the doctor. But if their cat was sick, they'd leave work.
So many signs of maltreatment and I stayed. No where else to go. I'd often been treated badly so I really did think I deserved to be treated bad.
When I started therapy, that is when I realized I had been being ignored.
I feel bad. I loved them but they never really had the capability to love me back. Feel used. Sad for them. Sadder for me.
No love. No warmth. An emotionally unavailable partner who didn't care about me. I stayed all those years.
I don't know if I'll ever find a loving relationship. But I have learned how to spot an unhealthy person.
