Busy getting screwed over and overlooked

This week has been ugly.

Let's start with how I did a favor for a friend with the promise of reimbursement for gas money.

I had to drive 50 miles one way to check out an airport that I'd never been to because my friend asked me to pick her up.

I took the afternoon to drive down there. On my way home, I stopped on the way to take photos, and that's when the battery blew up. If I hadn't agreed to this favor, I would have never been 18 miles out of town. Sure, the battery probably would have blown at some point but more than likely closer to home saving money on the mileage for the tow truck which was over 250$. The only reason I was that far out of town was because of the favor.

Car gets towed and fixed so I go to pick up my friend from the airport after 11pm. Oh, she missed her connection. So, my two hours, 100 mile trip for naught. I go back home.

Next morning, I drive another 50 to the airport, puck her up and then 50 more miles back.

I ask about the gas money. She says she'll catch me later.

Mind you, that's 300 miles worth of gas, a 550-600$ car tow and repair, and over 6 hours of my time and I live on disability where every dollar counts. I'm out bucks that I can't replace.

So, we meet for coffee last week, over a week since the airport trips. Halfway through, I realize I have to ask for the gas money cause she hasn't mentioned it.

I sheepishly ask if I can inquire about the gas money. Oh, she has to get it from the bank. Oh, she was just at the bank. She had forgotten my gas money. She says she'll get it to me.

That was last week. I'm still short. Still low on funds and unreimbursed.

I'm fucking invisible people. My biggest quality is how easily I am forgotten and overlooked. I don't think I have it in me to ask again. But, I have learned my lesson. No more free rides. 

Next, I had arranged to meet someone new at a local place. I arrive on time and text her. Oh, she is somewhere else but she will get there as soon as she can. 25 minutes later. 25 minutes later. No excuse other than time got away from her or she just forgot.

I'm that invisible. I do not make an impression of people. I'm like wallpaper. Always there. Completely unnoticeable. Just a f

ucking nobody.

Yeah. It hasn't gone well this week. 

It's safest, least painful to just stay home and avoid the hurt of being forgotten. Sometimes I really hate this not being noticeable, respected, liked or even loved. It's really difficult. I try and fail.

Stay home.

Stop the hurt.

I refuse to engage and put myself out there to be ignorantly stomped on.

I feel like a failure

Because my car battery blew up and left me stranded 10 miles out of town, in the middle of the road, on a bridge over dying water. The sound of the explosion as I turned the ignition on, was like a gunshot fired from a stray hunter's gun stopping me dead in my tracks. 

The cloud burst of tears. In panic and desperation breath, I called the emergency contact that I had trusted for over 25 years.

Hush, hush.

I feel like a failure because I had to ask for financial help with the 226$ tow bill and the 356$ repair that my monthly 900$ disability payment could not afford. Disability because I am and have been unable to work due to Multiple Personality Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Disorder from a childhood, teenhood spent surviving weekly incest and monthly bouts of being sold as a child prostitute to groups of men.

Owning a car seems like a luxury reserved for the able bodied, the unabused and those survivors stronger than I.

I feel like a failure because I had to ask people to sacrifice their hard earned incomes for the sorry likes of me.

What did I do to deserve this?

I feel bad that I am getting help. I'm grateful but I feel like a heel.

I'm sorry I'm not better equipped to live my life in a fulfilling manner.

Forgive me.

Sometimes I need help.

You can live without love

You can live completely alone without anyone to love you. No hugs. No one to hold your hand. No one to care that you've been in bed all day. No "I love yous" in words, eyes or smile.

It can be done. 

Love is overrated.

Or, rather, unobtainable. 

You can live without it if that's just the way it is.

And you can grow up without a parent to love you, to care, to hold and make the bad stuff all go away.

Love is probably great, if you can get it.

Exciting, Excitement a new emotion identified and felt

I have found myself saying that I feel excited. When I published my book, talked about giving it to someone, and now, as I watch NFL football for the first time this year.

I feel excited. My facial expressions and accompanying gestures outwardly express it, too.

It's a new emotion for me to identify and exhibit. It's a "whole body emotion" that I had never encountered before. It's funny, I started saying the word out loud and then I noticed how it felt. Next, I could feel my face express dramatically. Like every cell has a little spark, sparkle. The accompanying hand gestures are those crazy fist pumps in the air, or just arms shooting skyward.

I've been a very secluded, reserved person and this large, visible expression of emotion I have never experienced before.

So, I go to look for an image online, to use for this post, and I'm surprised they all have a unique facial expression I tried to describe, And and that crazy fist in the air!!!!

61 and still learning

I wrote a book

Solitude is a gift

The absence of drama and waterfalls of insignificance. I am free to breathe and be exactly who I am without having to worry about how I look or what should I say.

It is immense peace deep within and surrounding. 

A gift of stress-free living and being.

To be totally alone, ones thinking needs to be geared differently, towards independence and self-reliance. Accepting shortfalls and celebrating victories without an audience or fanfare is not for everyone. I dare say those who love solitude and the silence of external voices that accompanies it, are mighty few and far between. I'm grateful for my solitude and deep sense of self and independence.

Extraordinary Attorney Woo Autistic Series

I love this series. Im still speechless and wound up from being amongst the public at the busy movie theater or I would be able to think and point out all I like about this.