Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Monday, December 31, 2012

New Years Eve? I don't get holidays

As I see it, the average nt creates and enjoys holidays to a) get a day off work and get paid b) excuses to get together with other nts c) any reason to party, get naked and drunk
I'm not an nt.  What exactly are we celebrating? I don't get this new years eve thingy, anymore than I understand Christmas, Easter or Columbus day. They make no logical sense to me. Maybe it's because I don't work and am a recluse. Or maybe it's just my Aspie sensibility whereby in order to do anything it must have a predictable outcome and damn good.
I don't care for the redneck obligatory gunfire and firecrackers neither, mind you. Geez, it sounded like Sam Christmas was out on my front porch shooting off the shotgun,
I am not nt fun. I don't believe anything should be celebrated but birth, marriage and death.
Anyway, that's my opinion.
AspieAmy signing out.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Silence is my preference

I'm a reluctant talker, mostly. Speaking has always proven to require effort, whether it be a little or a whole lot, or anywhere in between. Speech, to this autistic, is akin to a muscle. I use it or lose it, meaning that the longer I go without engaging in conversations, the harder it is to start talking. It's like I lose the ability to converse. I forget what needs saying or mentioning. I kinda get comfortably lost within myself.
Even my thoughts have grown hushed, barely whispers. I have little use for outside noise either. I'm at peace in the silence.
I've actually been feeling very healthy and been pleasantly busy.
I'm just not feeling like sharing.
Be well

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Aspergers and Learning to Play

I never learned how to play. As an autistic child, play was a foreign concept. I'd sit in stunned confusion as I'd watch the other kids amuse themselves. At the tender age of 49, this Aspie is learning the rules of play.
Webster defines Play as: 1 to move lightly, rapidly, or erratically; flutter [note to self, they are not talking about hand flapping, arm and finger tics or rapid, erratic pacing]
2 to amuse oneself, as by taking part in a game or sport; engage in recreation [note to self, counting floor tiles, cracks in the ceiling, watching clouds float and imagining walls and barriers all around oneself, do not count here]

My definition of play is to engage in a form of entertainment that is not distressful, in which there are no rules and the outcome is arbitrary.
As an Aspie, my every waking moment is defined by very strict rules and guidelines for conduct and daily activities. From the moment I get out of bed, the routine must strictly be adhered to. My food is identical every morning. The timing in which I get dressed and get my little guy ready for school must be close to exact.
Getting washed and dressed, like everything else, is a well thought out and honed procedure.
Play is very odd. It's hard to drop the formalities, the need for rules and order with a number of possible projected outcomes. Play is delving into the great unknown. It's living in the present moment. It's deciphering what feels right, at the time and trusting that it will be okay....even with an uncertain outcome. It's being willing to lay down the sword and scepter and allowing flow past the walls of rigid routine.

To build, to create an original craft or art project means being willing to be okay with imperfection.....trusting and listening to that very subdued and hidden little voice .
Uncertainty, within parameters, Can be an okay thing. I didn't say it was comfortable, but it's an interesting new place to explore. Releasing the need to project and know all possible outcomes....takes the fun out of things.
We need our lives to be predictable and safe. Our patterns and routines allow us the greatest feelings of safety and security. Never feel negative about our rituals. They are who we are. There is no shame in feeling safe and comfortable.

Play, it's a new thingy I'm learning about.

Aspergers way of thinking

I'm still in shutdown. My body is heavily exhausted but my mind is restless, thus I lay here and write.
I've learned and observed a number of things, this past week, that I don't want to forget. I hope to expound more on these at a near future point.
My mind is constantly turned on, hence my difficulty in sleeping and being fully present. It's like standing on the shore and constantly pulling on a thick rope...attached to that ship you just know is on the end of the line, just beyond the horizon. You never stop pulling, tugging, struggling to reach ....something. If I were to put the rope down...I would be lost, confused and aimless.
Aspies spend large amounts of time trying to put words to feelings, sensations and experiences that most people don't have and have never been written or spoken aloud except in muted, obscure terms amongst Aspies themselves.
We talk and ask questions as if we were foreigners. We are simpletons here, appear brilliant and resplendent, intelligent and wise, yet....we don't understand what a salad fork is for, or why are there holidays, or social customs, that can hurt us like handshakes and chitchat.
We make up our own language to describe the intensity of how we feel. Dark means standard nighttime. Darkdark means scarey double dark. Veryvery means twice as intense as very. Realreal means real without a doubt. Your words are simply too lame, tame and we make our own, not in vanity but in our truth.
Confusion makes up the better part of our day and contributes to ongoing frustration within, with the outside. The problem isn't when we are alone..,it's mostly when we interact outside of ourselves. It's quite a hefty barrier between the nt and my autistic self. What works best is if both parties willingly and with Great effort attempt to work together and try and understand the other.
We are hopelessly naive and trusting, at times. We mistakenly believe that others, nts, share the same intense honest we have within our Aspie selves. But it is far from true. Aspies frequently imply a strict...higher standard, if you will of morals and ethics.

Aspies can be "rescuers", altruistic ambassadors of the highest order. If I see someone without a coat, I immediately give them mine. I see a person without shoes...I give them mine. I see a person in ripped, dirty get the picture. Pretty soon, I'm standing there naked.
It's a strong compulsion, a deeply felt desire to save the world from the pain of hunger, poverty, addiction, homelessness and even there own stupidity. And it's hard to...turn away..stop trying to help everyone.

It can feel hopeless....when you have known the pangs of hunger...and you want no one else to ever feel a hint of the intensity of That despair.
I've been hungry. I've been physically beaten. I've been molested. I've been very poor. I've had days where I wasn't sure where I'd be living or sleeping the next night. I've felt the aloneness so deep and dark...of being an orphan, a vagabond in a strange city of strangers. I've had nowhere to turn...nowhere to one who gave a shit...days where I was sure no one knew or cared I was alive. I've been locked and trapped in the screaming silence of incest and in the mute confusion of autism.
Look at me now!

Problem is....I can see others pain..the pains I have personally exerienced..I can see in others. I see the children who are starving for love and food. I see the ones who are hit...and the ones where daddy does bad shit. I see the adults.....who carry their grief and pain like dragging bloody bandages trailing behind them. And I turn away. And I can not help them....the pain of knowing another's pain....
People wonder why I avoid eye contact. It hurts to see pain, silly.
I live within my unique world of autism.
Just felt like sharing some shit.
Be well.
Be nice to yourself.
Why can't people see that they are beautiful?

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Asking for help, special treatment or guilt

It's hard to ask for help. My overly high expectations of myself cause me to want to just suck up and deal with whatever comes my way. As it is difficult for me to measure/ evaluate my level of physical pain, it is equally hard to determine what is uncomfortable and to what degree.
Do I shut up, man up and deal with an upcoming social situation? Or do I...somehow figure that the stress lode may be too great and ask someone to help me get out of or change the upcoming event?
See, I don't like being special like that. I'm uncomfortable acknowledge that I need help. I don't know which mandatory situations I Have to attend to or which ones I have a say in changing, postponing, altering or eliminating.
I am highly intelligent...why do I need help? Why can't I handle every situation completely on my own? What if I ask and no one can help?
I have no barometer, no way to measure how much discomfort and stress is "normal". Do others have this much anxiety? What is too much anxiety?
Nobody can tell me what a "normal" person feels like and experiences. I can not comprehend.
Case in point, until I went on anti anxiety meds, about five years ago, I did not know or feel that I was stressed and anxious. Once I started the medication, I realized that I was running at about 8 on the 1-10 anxiety scale, with 10 being unrelenting and pure chaos. I did not know I needed meds because my normal was feeling agitated and nervous everyday. What I know and experience is All I know. I cannot compare.

The Aspie runs on her own engine, on her own track, never seeing the other trains.  In my case, all the other engines were going muchmuch slower.
I don't know when it's appropriate and proper to ask for assistance, so I just suck it up and deal. I cannot comprehend and measure my own pain, emotional and physical, and my wn discomfort.
I'm not difficult, just perpetually confused.
It's so weird...I feel like I'm manipulating people when I ask for help. After all I'm an adult and intelligent, can't I handle everything?
I can't predict any events or situations, in the future. I am completely clueless as to how I will react or feel in the Actual Moment. When I cross the bg Mackinaw Bridge, I never know if it will produce a panic attack until I'm actually on the bridge. I can be totally nervous the entire drive to the bridge, and then nonchalant, with absolutely no fear, cross it. Other times, I have been perfectly calm the way to the bridge, only to totally freak out once I actually saw it.
The uncertainty of being me.

I never knw what tomorrow brings...much less the next moment.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Finding the Right Food...Eating and Aspergers, My Hunger Games

Suffering takes on many forms. Eating, like other mundane daily tasks, is a complex process.
Hmmm...putting words to the weird, unusual and....unique...
I struggled greatly, the past two days, to find something to eat. It's not through lack of money or just wasn't the right kind of food. My body wants..craves...something and I could not figure out what it was.
I have a healthy, stable breakfast everyday of the same thing. It's this lunch and dinner that was the dilemma.
(I hate it when my posts sound simplistic and moronic when I struggle to articulate. I hate sounding petty....cause it is no small matter)
I tend to make one type of food, say, spaghetti, and eat it lunch and dinner for two to three weeks. It works for me to have the spaghetti prepared every couple of days and sitting in the fridge so I can grab it on a moments notice without having to worry about cooking, just reheating.
I have trouble recognizing my own hunger. I don't know if most have a "lag time", minutes before their hunger gets out-of-control or overpowering. Most of the time, especially when I am engaged in a project or enjoyable task, I don't realize that I am "getting hungry" until I am voracious. And then I race to the fridge, plate the food and microwave. I can't get it cooked and ready fast enough.
One other issue, I don't like dinner. I cook family meals and eat them, but they are usually unsatisfying. The only reason I continue to go through this dinner ordeal is to sit at the table with my family And because I bribe myself with Nestlé Crunch bars for dessert. Seriously, all the while I'm eating my chicken and broccoli I'm thinking about dessert. I don't know why this is. I can't make any sense of it.

The other strange issue that I was plagued with the past couple days...I couldn't find what I craved. I'd try this or that for lunch and it just didn't work. If I eat and it's not what my body ants or craves, I feel like I haven't even eaten, so I try some other food. I snack and search and snack and search, constantly feeling unfulfilled. The feeling never went away. I finally went to the grocery store, bought burger, spinach, mushrooms and cheese, made a pizza, ate the whole damn thing and Finally got some hunger relief. I had been hungry and most uncomfortable for two entire days! I just could nt find what I needed.
It's damn frustrating being Aspie...damn frustrating at times.
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