Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Low Gear, too many changes, too busy

I'm definitely running in Low Gear working to keep my cookies and prevent shutdown and overload. Within the past 2 days I've had 4 appointment changes/rescheduling and each and every day this week has at least one appointment or have-to-do.
Both my son and myself started seeing new therapists which means two healthy packets of paperwork that require filling out and visits to 2 totally new offices. That, in and of itself, can cause Autistic overload. Add the appointment to get the car fixed, acupuncture treatment, my 1 1/2 new survivor group and post office mailings and I'm trying to pilot a full boat without any relief.
I usually work it so that I have at least one, preferably two, full days off during the week. This week is anomalous and distress in the making.
Sure, laundry needs doing, the floor could stand a vacuuming and dishes are piling up, however, I am conscious of the fact that weeks like this readily produce exhaustion and shutdown, therefore all unnecessary tasks are suspended and put on hold, deemed extravaganzas, if you will.
It Is a personal challenge to listen to my body, my mind and recuperate instead of chores. I've learned to let things lie when my days are this full one after another. Maybe this weekend I'll catch up or maybe it won't be until sometime next week.
I am learning how much stress I can handle and how to deal with these everyday tasks.
Low Gear is where I am at and where I will stay until I manuvuer through this most hectic week.
Nice and Slow
Easy as she goes
Take Care

Leaving Neo, Changing Therapists

I'm feeling more confident in my decision to leave my previous therapist, Neo. When Rb, the new therapist asked why I left, it really prompted me to think deeply on the subject.
Neo, not only took extended and frequent vacations; she was also unreachable. She had walls greater than I and insulation that kept her perpetually out of reach. I had noticed this factor way back when we first started seeing her, though I couldn't put words to it.
Not once, in our 18 months together, did I ever feel her energy, even when she was no more than 4 feet away. She kept herself tightly ensconced within extremely well. It's like, I could never reach her...there was this foggy distance, this gap that I could never leap over.
Was she a good therapist? Absolutely. Does her method of counseling work and help? Of course. Just not for this Autistic Multiple.
My first meeting with Rb went very well. I was pleasantly surprised by her openness, and she had this dynamic quality about her. She enjoys her work! She likes learning and helping in the field of mental health. And I readily could feel her presence, her personal energy while sitting a few feet away. She asked questions, listened well and was completely engaged!!! No distance. No walls. I was impressed.
These are simply my first impressions but I really like what I see, hear, feel and see.
Neo was great for awhile. She helped me enormously but it was only meant to be for a short, intense period of time. I'm grateful that we worked together.
It's time to move on.
I'm feeling very good about that!!!!!!

Life isn't easy

Monday, April 16, 2018

Passengers, the movie, aloneness and my life

I'm watching the movie Passengers, for the second time. I'm drawn to these scant few movies of isolation and desperation that offer brief glimpses of my own journey.
There is a connection, a mirror, if you will, whereby I don't feel quite so alone and wrapped up in my own stockings. To see one's life...a semblance of one anyway, subtle connections, fingertips touch then quickly turn away.
I'm but an awesomely small percentage of this waking, walking, incessant chattering, drama filled world of families, relationships, friendships deep and shallow. These, all of these occupy around 90-95% of the movies, the books, and the people around me.
I am miniscule, an atom spinning on its own access watching those around me connect, mate and intermingle.
I am but an obscure, isolated, wounded fraction that rarely finds another thus so. My interactions are brief, short-lived and mostly tragic or hopeless or silly girl wishes...daydreams carried out an open window, yet another thing that will never be. Dreams and wishes are for unicorns and good little girls whose fathers don't rape them and sell them. Connections are for people whose mothers can love them, not repeatedly look the other way, turn around and walk out the door as fathers molest them, beat them bloody, bruise and starve.
My world is double closed and mine alone.
You watch Passengers you get a wee bit of a view into my waking dream

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Leaving the Therapist

It was one of the most heart wrenching decisions I had ever had to make but it needed doing.
Neo was the One, for about a year and a half, she was everything my system needed and required. She left for her annual month long vacation and I seriously lost my cookies. Last year, when I had only been seeing her for a few months, she took her first extended absence. I didn't think too much of it. I didn't know her that well and my people hadn't started seeing and trusting her regularly thus no big deal.
This year, Big, Huge Deal.
I was inconsolable, lost and in a panic. My anchor had picked itself up and Voluntarily left me. I couldn't think straight.
Something needed to be done. When something wounds me, I tend to avoid the blow. It was time to discuss leaving her. And discuss, and mull and debate, and make up lists of pros and cons and decide.
Time to leave Neo.
Her lack of availability had forever been an issue. She was a 50 minute a week therapist with zero wiggle room. If I had a crisis, I couldn't turn to her. If I wanted to see her more than once a week, ah, nope, she could never fit me in.
Awhile ago, I asked her, or rather, one of my alters asked her how long she had been our therapist. She replied six months. Later, I realized it had been an entire year. Guess we weren't that remarkable or memorable.
Before she left, she casually rescheduled our appointment time from its normal 10 am to 12, because another client needed the earlier time. Yeah, we quickly figured out how little regard she held for us.
So, after the heavy discussions, the year soaked pillows and the examination of all pertinent issues, we decided that it would be in my best interest to leave.
I even inquired as to whether these month long outings were truly annual. Her response was that it wasn't a rule but it wasn't unusual either.
I refused to put myself through such agony ever again.
I would be the fool to walk into a maelstrom knowing it was coming my way, Again and Again and Again.
Part of me wishes that she had fought to continue to see us, a foolish young and small and emotionally attached part, that is.
Neo did assist us in some truly amazing work. But, she lost the war.
She and I were incompatible in only one way but it was a way that was significant and solid.
Her loss. I wonder if she even misses me or cares. I honestly don't know. Logically, it doesn't matter.
I see my new therapist in a few days. She assures me that she "sticks around town." I'll see if we can work together. She will be the third counselor who has never worked with a Multiple. The last two did great. I'm pretty good at helping counselors comprehend crazy multiple me. And I am quite a "stable Multiple" in many ways.
I'll give it a go.
I know, we all know, that Neo is gone, done and will never really work.
Still, it's been an extremely difficult month.
Take Care

My other blog


Wednesday, April 11, 2018


Having to make the worst, heart wrenching decision....i hate this.