Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Signs You May Have Asperger's

I'm not a professional, just a woman with Asperger's and an Aspie son. Recently I started dating a man who also has Aspergers. These are a few of the things us Aspies have in common:
We love our shoes in a weird, extreme way. We only buy and wear a certain brand of shoes. My boyfriend- Doc Marten. Me-Brooks running shoes. We love our shoes in obnoxious, colorful patterns, too.
A love of shoeboxes! And the inability to throw them out.
My BF and I both have our keys on a clamp keychain attached to a belt loop on which we keep our keys handy.
We all hate talking on the phone, deplore phone calls, experts at text and email for communicating.
Require large amounts of time completely alone to regroup and recharge especially after social engagements.
We don't put a lot of time and effort into buying the latest fashions or appearing like anyone other than ourselves.
Have no interest in gossip, celebrities or the rich and famous.
Watch a sparse amount of television.
We are excellent and focused workers with an incredible work ethic. We do the very best and are devoted to whatever job we are working.
Lol, we have a difficult time opening our mail unless it's something we are excited about and expecting.
Both of us our nightowls that stay awake at all hours and often fall asleep on the couch.
We don't like being told what we have to do. If you want to set off an Aspie just tell us we must do something. We do not take orders well.
We thrive on our own independence.
We complain very little, realizing that there are things that we can't change.
Optimists to a fault. The glass is always half full even if we spill it.
Its definitely a thrill and delight to date someone that I have such commonality of spirit with.

Friday, September 14, 2018

I want to be somebody

I don't want to be simply the receptacle of repressed and tragic memories wrapped in a sack of depressed grief and pity. I'm so much more than that.
I want my life to matter.
I want what I say to be heard.
I want all the things, the intimate things about who I am and how I tick, the hidden me that I keep hidden inside for fear of ridicule and laughter, I want to be okay with letting the real me out.
I don't want to be afraid to be myself anymore.
I want people to like me, to love me, to accept me exactly as I am.
Because I am weird and wonderful.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Happiness Scares Me

To be honest, the thought of experiencing happiness frightens me.
I'm familiar, nay, intimate with the dank darkness that I have walked with each and every day. I know depression. Its every book and cranny. The heaviness of its feel. The musty stale smell. I know how to carry its hefty weight; how to dance and dash and hide within it.
The familiar often becomes the friend no matter how unhealthy and painful.
Change is where courage comes in.
Happiness appears as a light cloud forever out of reach. I've admired it. It looks pretty, over there. But it's so light. How could it hide me? Maybe it's weightlessness would make me feel naked, vulnerable and exposed.
The years have taught me that chasing happiness is akin to chasing rainbows. I kindof thought it was a myth.
What would that even feel like? The light, the bright, the airy and unencumbered? Surely, I cannot begin to fathom.
I wince at the thought of venturing into this brand new virginal territory of smiles and cake.
How can I explain that the thought of being happy is uncomfortable, strange and slightly bizarre?
It's like a child that has never tasted candy. Or a snail that's never felt the security of a shell.
I'm guessing the feeling would be fleeting. Why feel good for a day when all the following days are a return to darkness.
Wouldn't that be cruel then? To experience something like bliss only to have to whisked away?
It's as if I've never truly sought happiness for fear it would abandoned me and having tasted its sweet nectar I'd regret the knowledge of the absence of darkness.
To find and bathe in the light only to return to the cold seems doubly painful than never having known the light.
I can see the issue quite clearly.
In order not to experience the thrill of victory, I've been content to stay in the place of great defeat.
Never get your hopes up and you'll never feel the whipping sting of backlashing disappointment.
I'm thinking I want to see what its like, you know, that place where sunshine and happiness dwells.
I'm sure it will feel odd and unsettling at first but maybe it will stay awhile and I'll grow used to it. I think I'm on that precipice. Happiness is closer to me than I've ever seen it.
It will take big courage to risk feeling happy, to feel completely new, odd sensations. Maybe I'll give it a go.
Yeah, the thought of happiness is scary.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Aspergers dating another Aspergers

I've started dating a very nice, kind guy. He's a college professor, positively brilliant, a leader in his field worldwide, gentle, soft spoken, tall, and easy going.
He's also on the autism spectrum and has an autistic son as well.
I easily see signs that he's on the spectrum.
A) he is honest. Something few neurotypical can pull off easily. He doesn't lie which has the potential to hamper him in his competitive field.
B) he doesn't like to see anyone hurt. He has great empathy. When a bug bit me, when I told him I'd had Lyme, he overtly displayed sadness. We've only known each other a week yet something that had hurt me hurt him. His emotions so easy to read.
C) he is gentle with his touch and soft spoken with his words.
D) he has a strong work ethic whereby he can intensely focus on whatever project is before him and he gives it a solid 100%.
E) he doesn't focus on clothes, appearance or how someone appears. What matters is what's on the inside.
F) he has a strong sense of independence, doesn't like to be told what to do and follows his own dreams best. A self-made man in a collegiate world.
G) he is his own boss in most ways. Sure, he's employed by the university, and consultant to other business and colleges but he turns down the countries he doesn't want to visit. He makes all the calls and decides where he wants to go.
H) we operate on the same wavelength. We both need time alone yet time to be together.
It's so funny in that I never thought much of Public Displays of Affection, PDA, but with him, we both are quite comfortable making out in full public view. We both care little for what others think yet we are considerate. If someone looks bothered by seeing this middle aged couple kissing in the middle of downtown, well, we take it somewhere private.
I see it in him, the softness, the vulnerability of his autism. And I feel it in him. He's really cool. I want to spend more time with him. It feels good to be with him.
He's kind.
He gives genuine compliments; words I haven't heard in twenty years. The words feel odd, rusty, newfangled...but I feel his genuineness. Holding his hand, I can feel his sincerity.
I'm going slow and enjoying this very new ride.

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Kissing a Stranger in Central Park

If you were strolling through Central Park Corvallis today, you would have caught sight of me kissing a stranger.
It's a habit of mine. Seems every six months I do a little online dating and meet someone for one brief meet and greet. Inevitably there ends up to be an embrace or two. I'm both relieved and reviled.
Relieved because such a small amount of intimate contact satisfies my animalistic urges completely for months and reviled because whenever I draw near to the idea of mating or partnership, I'm reminded that my life is best lived alone.
Each encounter smartens me up. I'm less optimistic and more of a realist. My awareness that anything that feels good will quickly end returns in full.
People come with baggage, drama and stress. At half a century of age, the baggage is bound to be heavy.
I'll not carry another man's 3 piece set of imitation alligator Samsonites. I'll not open my book past the chapters that are well read. It's a game of dice and I forever shoot craps.
I actually feel less revile and dwell in the minuscule moments of relief.
For a few hours someone was nice to me and said kind words. That's a few hours I'll relish.
Until the next half year interval, sayonara dating. See you in six months.