Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

New Blog..The Hermit Plays Solitaire

I decided to start a new blog and kinda leave this one as is.
Part of the reason is that I have a new life now. I'm finally free and able to be myself.
The other reason is that when I switched phones I somehow disabled the comment feature and spent hours trying to remedy with no success. The new blog allows comments.
Thank you for reading.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing

I have periods of time where I am just an empty, nonthinking shell. For some reason, this time around, it coincides with having a feverish cold. The past few days I've felt nothing, no feelings, emotions, drives. No hunger, thirst, just nothing. It's like the dead zone whereby I'm unmoved and unaffected by anything. I have nothing to do or so.
I hate it when it's like this. Don't know when it's going to end.

Maybe I'll give up the therapist and therapy

It might be time to realize that this therapist isn't going to work. My 3 day processing time on this week's session has shown me that she committed the unpardonable sin. She laughed at an honest question leaving the ability to trust her in high jeopardy. If I have to continually wonder if each utterance, thought or query will cause her to ridicule then maybe it's time to end and get safe again.
I can't think of anything I'll miss about her. Can't even find that I've gained anything by this pseudo alliance. Can't say I'm better off for having met her these short few months.
This Is no meeting of the minds just an exercise in futility and 6 months of trying to teach and school her in something out of her reach, out of her innate abilities.
It's sad having to start all over again but maybe I never got anywhere anyway and leaving therapy may do me more good than harm.
Honestly, clearly I've gotten nowhere just faster.
It's a shame, a sham, really, putting hope where hope does not belong.
God, I'm tired of trying to fix things that shouldn't continually break.
I throw up my hands and wave the white flag.
Maybe I can at least get this one storm to end.

She never had a chance really

Disconnected unable to convey all the mixed up stuff inside
Couldn't find a connection, an open station, a portal, a someone that could try and care, try and hear
She never had a chance, the cards always stacked against her or on the hands of madmen and thieves
Too many wicked got to her, took advantage and stole
She saw and heard the jokes, the grimaces, the weakness in her own character, the character flaws that perpetuated and drew in the sharks like blood in the water.
Could never find someone who could care behind the walls, across the distance that just kept expanding, widening
She wasn't one that someone could care about. She had always been too far gone
Couldn't find anyone to be sad when the words stopped.
No one noticed her silence, or were concerned about the reasons why
Hell, she didn't even know half the time
Either swim with the sharks amongst fear and bites, or just live alone, aimlessly on the island.
Living to avoid pain isn't much of a life
There were no dreams, nothing to wish for just the familiar emptiness that demanded and gave nothing
She wasn't someone anyone missed. She couldn't make the connections. No one knew she was gone
Words had no meaning when said in pity
No more desperation
No more try to search for a meaning that doesn't exist
It's not even sad anymore, just the usual emptiness of numb and no hurt, no drive, no ambition
It's nothing really...just nothing
She couldn't find anyone to simply hold her hand and let her be her
No one could see

Friday, June 9, 2017

Growing up abused, neglected Light Poetry "The Candy Jar"


Photo Art, Composition at 12:15am, and thoughts

Today turned out to be fairly productive even with this annoying summer cold. I'm feverish, achy all over, runny sinuses and feeling malaise. Lethargy keeps me from doing much of anything but the boy needed groceries and a trip to his therapist. I somehow managed to get necessities completed.
I anxiously await getting my new prescription glasses. The drugstore reading glasses severely limit the times that I can write and read. I have almost constant eyestrain and slight dizziness these days.
I'm realizing that happiness is a choice!! It's similar to gratitude, being able to see all that is Sunnyside up and the half full glass.
I've decided to be nicer to myself. Hmmm, that's a big mental change that will take some getting used to.
I'm trying to just be me, lol, generally speaking. There is no one to impress or try to please. It's just me. I don't need to fix my hair a certain way or dress as I want others to see me, anymore.
My youngest seems to be pushing me away to make it easier to transition from living with me to spending his first time away from me for the summer. He's combative, bossy and probably has a ton of mixed feelings regarding this transition. It's got to be scary, exciting and overwhelming for him. I get that and I'm trying to keep his emotional state in mind.
In a couple of weeks, it'll just be me and the pup for 2 months. My autistic brain cannot predict how I will react to such a dramatic, completely new scenario.
I'll keep ya posted.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

My goals are simple, needs are few...the dichotomy

I'm currently experiencing my own dichotomy and seeing everything as having two distinct, opposite sides. I can't help but wonder if the right and left hemispheres of my brain are exploring the once invisible middle ground.
Internally, I am this complex, introspective party of clowns, mimes and ringmasters frantically fighting to keep the show going on, both forward in the real world, as well as backward trying to make sense of startling flashback memories. It's sometimes a tug of war with bystanders and a pit of mud in the middle.
In a very real sense, I have one foot in each world and I can finally stand in middle ground and see both sides...confusing, yes.
Externally, my needs and wants are simple and few. I want a safe, non-threatening environment where I can be myself. I require a comfortable bed with clean sheets and soft blankies. I need just enough food in the fridge so that the starving sensation doesn't throw me into a panic. I desire to have my enough steady income so my needs are met. The SSD coming through, being approved would help that aspect. I crave a gentle, honest, kind and freely affectionate girlfriend who enjoys my company. Simple, right?
Thus I have complex versus simple.
I want to balance these two opposing worlds of living in the past, retro therapy vs. functioning  and being present. Funny, previously i could see only one side or the other. No wonder I feel confusion as I've never had access to such a full view before. It makes sense that my direction is All Stop. Amazing how a little writing can provide me with much needed perspective.
Is it just Me? Or does talking and writing bring about answers? What a small gift with such a huge impact. Must write more often...note to self.
I'm sitting on a fence post..no, rather I'm straddling it and can see both sides for once. It's hard to make heads or tails of things when you see both sides as it's continually flipping in the air.
My life will change shortly, as my youngest goes away for the summer. Both the positive and negative stand in front of me. I can make no choice as to which one will weigh in stronger. They are equal in their own right even though I'm stymied as.....sure things are black and some things are white..like equality, like indecision. Stalemate. Hmmm.
What an odd place to find my self. Being able to acknowledge, sense and see both sides. I cannot weigh in. Opinions are now vague...or fugue..or mute...or nonsense....
Funny, it's starting to make sense this inner wandering. What a strange and new place.