Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Monday, December 31, 2012

New Years Eve? I don't get holidays

As I see it, the average nt creates and enjoys holidays to a) get a day off work and get paid b) excuses to get together with other nts c) any reason to party, get naked and drunk
I'm not an nt.  What exactly are we celebrating? I don't get this new years eve thingy, anymore than I understand Christmas, Easter or Columbus day. They make no logical sense to me. Maybe it's because I don't work and am a recluse. Or maybe it's just my Aspie sensibility whereby in order to do anything it must have a predictable outcome and damn good.
I don't care for the redneck obligatory gunfire and firecrackers neither, mind you. Geez, it sounded like Sam Christmas was out on my front porch shooting off the shotgun,
I am not nt fun. I don't believe anything should be celebrated but birth, marriage and death.
Anyway, that's my opinion.
AspieAmy signing out.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Silence is my preference

I'm a reluctant talker, mostly. Speaking has always proven to require effort, whether it be a little or a whole lot, or anywhere in between. Speech, to this autistic, is akin to a muscle. I use it or lose it, meaning that the longer I go without engaging in conversations, the harder it is to start talking. It's like I lose the ability to converse. I forget what needs saying or mentioning. I kinda get comfortably lost within myself.
Even my thoughts have grown hushed, barely whispers. I have little use for outside noise either. I'm at peace in the silence.
I've actually been feeling very healthy and been pleasantly busy.
I'm just not feeling like sharing.
Be well

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Aspergers and Learning to Play

I never learned how to play. As an autistic child, play was a foreign concept. I'd sit in stunned confusion as I'd watch the other kids amuse themselves. At the tender age of 49, this Aspie is learning the rules of play.
Webster defines Play as: 1 to move lightly, rapidly, or erratically; flutter [note to self, they are not talking about hand flapping, arm and finger tics or rapid, erratic pacing]
2 to amuse oneself, as by taking part in a game or sport; engage in recreation [note to self, counting floor tiles, cracks in the ceiling, watching clouds float and imagining walls and barriers all around oneself, do not count here]

My definition of play is to engage in a form of entertainment that is not distressful, in which there are no rules and the outcome is arbitrary.
As an Aspie, my every waking moment is defined by very strict rules and guidelines for conduct and daily activities. From the moment I get out of bed, the routine must strictly be adhered to. My food is identical every morning. The timing in which I get dressed and get my little guy ready for school must be close to exact.
Getting washed and dressed, like everything else, is a well thought out and honed procedure.
Play is very odd. It's hard to drop the formalities, the need for rules and order with a number of possible projected outcomes. Play is delving into the great unknown. It's living in the present moment. It's deciphering what feels right, at the time and trusting that it will be okay....even with an uncertain outcome. It's being willing to lay down the sword and scepter and allowing flow past the walls of rigid routine.

To build, to create an original craft or art project means being willing to be okay with imperfection.....trusting and listening to that very subdued and hidden little voice .
Uncertainty, within parameters, Can be an okay thing. I didn't say it was comfortable, but it's an interesting new place to explore. Releasing the need to project and know all possible outcomes....takes the fun out of things.
We need our lives to be predictable and safe. Our patterns and routines allow us the greatest feelings of safety and security. Never feel negative about our rituals. They are who we are. There is no shame in feeling safe and comfortable.

Play, it's a new thingy I'm learning about.

Aspergers way of thinking

I'm still in shutdown. My body is heavily exhausted but my mind is restless, thus I lay here and write.
I've learned and observed a number of things, this past week, that I don't want to forget. I hope to expound more on these at a near future point.
My mind is constantly turned on, hence my difficulty in sleeping and being fully present. It's like standing on the shore and constantly pulling on a thick rope...attached to that ship you just know is on the end of the line, just beyond the horizon. You never stop pulling, tugging, struggling to reach ....something. If I were to put the rope down...I would be lost, confused and aimless.
Aspies spend large amounts of time trying to put words to feelings, sensations and experiences that most people don't have and have never been written or spoken aloud except in muted, obscure terms amongst Aspies themselves.
We talk and ask questions as if we were foreigners. We are simpletons here, appear brilliant and resplendent, intelligent and wise, yet....we don't understand what a salad fork is for, or why are there holidays, or social customs, that can hurt us like handshakes and chitchat.
We make up our own language to describe the intensity of how we feel. Dark means standard nighttime. Darkdark means scarey double dark. Veryvery means twice as intense as very. Realreal means real without a doubt. Your words are simply too lame, tame and we make our own, not in vanity but in our truth.
Confusion makes up the better part of our day and contributes to ongoing frustration within, with the outside. The problem isn't when we are alone..,it's mostly when we interact outside of ourselves. It's quite a hefty barrier between the nt and my autistic self. What works best is if both parties willingly and with Great effort attempt to work together and try and understand the other.
We are hopelessly naive and trusting, at times. We mistakenly believe that others, nts, share the same intense honest we have within our Aspie selves. But it is far from true. Aspies frequently imply a strict...higher standard, if you will of morals and ethics.

Aspies can be "rescuers", altruistic ambassadors of the highest order. If I see someone without a coat, I immediately give them mine. I see a person without shoes...I give them mine. I see a person in ripped, dirty get the picture. Pretty soon, I'm standing there naked.
It's a strong compulsion, a deeply felt desire to save the world from the pain of hunger, poverty, addiction, homelessness and even there own stupidity. And it's hard to...turn away..stop trying to help everyone.

It can feel hopeless....when you have known the pangs of hunger...and you want no one else to ever feel a hint of the intensity of That despair.
I've been hungry. I've been physically beaten. I've been molested. I've been very poor. I've had days where I wasn't sure where I'd be living or sleeping the next night. I've felt the aloneness so deep and dark...of being an orphan, a vagabond in a strange city of strangers. I've had nowhere to turn...nowhere to one who gave a shit...days where I was sure no one knew or cared I was alive. I've been locked and trapped in the screaming silence of incest and in the mute confusion of autism.
Look at me now!

Problem is....I can see others pain..the pains I have personally exerienced..I can see in others. I see the children who are starving for love and food. I see the ones who are hit...and the ones where daddy does bad shit. I see the adults.....who carry their grief and pain like dragging bloody bandages trailing behind them. And I turn away. And I can not help them....the pain of knowing another's pain....
People wonder why I avoid eye contact. It hurts to see pain, silly.
I live within my unique world of autism.
Just felt like sharing some shit.
Be well.
Be nice to yourself.
Why can't people see that they are beautiful?

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Asking for help, special treatment or guilt

It's hard to ask for help. My overly high expectations of myself cause me to want to just suck up and deal with whatever comes my way. As it is difficult for me to measure/ evaluate my level of physical pain, it is equally hard to determine what is uncomfortable and to what degree.
Do I shut up, man up and deal with an upcoming social situation? Or do I...somehow figure that the stress lode may be too great and ask someone to help me get out of or change the upcoming event?
See, I don't like being special like that. I'm uncomfortable acknowledge that I need help. I don't know which mandatory situations I Have to attend to or which ones I have a say in changing, postponing, altering or eliminating.
I am highly intelligent...why do I need help? Why can't I handle every situation completely on my own? What if I ask and no one can help?
I have no barometer, no way to measure how much discomfort and stress is "normal". Do others have this much anxiety? What is too much anxiety?
Nobody can tell me what a "normal" person feels like and experiences. I can not comprehend.
Case in point, until I went on anti anxiety meds, about five years ago, I did not know or feel that I was stressed and anxious. Once I started the medication, I realized that I was running at about 8 on the 1-10 anxiety scale, with 10 being unrelenting and pure chaos. I did not know I needed meds because my normal was feeling agitated and nervous everyday. What I know and experience is All I know. I cannot compare.

The Aspie runs on her own engine, on her own track, never seeing the other trains.  In my case, all the other engines were going muchmuch slower.
I don't know when it's appropriate and proper to ask for assistance, so I just suck it up and deal. I cannot comprehend and measure my own pain, emotional and physical, and my wn discomfort.
I'm not difficult, just perpetually confused.
It's so weird...I feel like I'm manipulating people when I ask for help. After all I'm an adult and intelligent, can't I handle everything?
I can't predict any events or situations, in the future. I am completely clueless as to how I will react or feel in the Actual Moment. When I cross the bg Mackinaw Bridge, I never know if it will produce a panic attack until I'm actually on the bridge. I can be totally nervous the entire drive to the bridge, and then nonchalant, with absolutely no fear, cross it. Other times, I have been perfectly calm the way to the bridge, only to totally freak out once I actually saw it.
The uncertainty of being me.

I never knw what tomorrow brings...much less the next moment.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Finding the Right Food...Eating and Aspergers, My Hunger Games

Suffering takes on many forms. Eating, like other mundane daily tasks, is a complex process.
Hmmm...putting words to the weird, unusual and....unique...
I struggled greatly, the past two days, to find something to eat. It's not through lack of money or just wasn't the right kind of food. My body wants..craves...something and I could not figure out what it was.
I have a healthy, stable breakfast everyday of the same thing. It's this lunch and dinner that was the dilemma.
(I hate it when my posts sound simplistic and moronic when I struggle to articulate. I hate sounding petty....cause it is no small matter)
I tend to make one type of food, say, spaghetti, and eat it lunch and dinner for two to three weeks. It works for me to have the spaghetti prepared every couple of days and sitting in the fridge so I can grab it on a moments notice without having to worry about cooking, just reheating.
I have trouble recognizing my own hunger. I don't know if most have a "lag time", minutes before their hunger gets out-of-control or overpowering. Most of the time, especially when I am engaged in a project or enjoyable task, I don't realize that I am "getting hungry" until I am voracious. And then I race to the fridge, plate the food and microwave. I can't get it cooked and ready fast enough.
One other issue, I don't like dinner. I cook family meals and eat them, but they are usually unsatisfying. The only reason I continue to go through this dinner ordeal is to sit at the table with my family And because I bribe myself with Nestlé Crunch bars for dessert. Seriously, all the while I'm eating my chicken and broccoli I'm thinking about dessert. I don't know why this is. I can't make any sense of it.

The other strange issue that I was plagued with the past couple days...I couldn't find what I craved. I'd try this or that for lunch and it just didn't work. If I eat and it's not what my body ants or craves, I feel like I haven't even eaten, so I try some other food. I snack and search and snack and search, constantly feeling unfulfilled. The feeling never went away. I finally went to the grocery store, bought burger, spinach, mushrooms and cheese, made a pizza, ate the whole damn thing and Finally got some hunger relief. I had been hungry and most uncomfortable for two entire days! I just could nt find what I needed.
It's damn frustrating being Aspie...damn frustrating at times.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

My Dad Died

Last night, peacefully at home. I'm glad his suffering was not long. I hope he accomplished what he needed to in this life.
It's complicated

Monday, November 26, 2012

Appointments and Waiting Rooms Make Me Nervous

Appointments of all kinds, doctors, teacher, school, therapist, all make me nervous. The worst appointments are the ones in which I have never been to the office building and havent met the person I have the appointment with.
I have one of those "worst" appointments this week. I can goggle and map search for the building, but I am clueless as to what the waiting room set-up is. I don't know where the escape routes or restrooms are. I can't even guess if the receptionist is friendly and helpful or a hardass having a really bad day.
It's so damn unknown.
Then I have to meet with the actual doctor. I goggled him, also, and have his age and education, but no picture, so I can't get a visual on who I will be dealing with. Having never seen this type of doctor before, a specialist, I am quite nervous as to what info he will want, his demeanor and expectations. When he asks a question, will I be able to come up with the appropriate answer or will I start down that long road where I give endless, nonsensical details because I don't understand what he is really asking?
My appointment is in a few days, and I've been nervous since last week.
Later this week, I meet and greet my new therapist at community mental health. I've been to the building before. It arbors many very old painful memories from when I was a client there 25 years ago. Thank god they don't keep records that long! And I have had a couple recent bad encounters there as well.
I don't know the chick I'll be working with. Yup, I googled her and found a small photo (which helps tremendously) and her education. This appointment makes me equally nervous because I'll be in a closed room with this person for about an hour, I'm uncertain of what to say. I can't really preplan conversation (I hate it when I can't preplan talks....if I know what to expect, I feel so much calmer)
or get a handle on her personality. Heck, I'm not even sure her office has a window!
It's like walking into a great unknown with shakey footing and head-in-the-fog confusion.
Even when I am scheduled to see people's offices I frequent, there can be a certain amount of butterfly nervousness. It depends on what I need to talk about, mostly. When I have to see my amity doctor about...delicate..matters, I get anxiety.
My weekly therapist visits can be anticipated with zero stress all the way up to panic depending on my state of mind and being.
Can I talk about waiting rooms? Not just any waiting rooms, but the ones that are chock full of people and that must be endured for half an hour or more. Once a week, I take my little guy to the allergist. The waiting room is akin to a walk through a busy grocery store. People fly in and out every twenty minutes and the room usually harbors between 10-15 strange and unpredictable life forms.
It's crowded. It's noisy. It's smelly and very uncomfortable. It's reminds me of being trapped in a cage.
I never know who will be there, although there is a host of "regulars". My son has a few kids his age to share video ages with. I have to keep a civil tongue and not say everything that is on my mind. One regular is my Eldests first grade teacher who scarred him for life with her anal retentive, "I hate kids because they make noise and drag in dirt" attitude. I always want to say to her, "Are you still an ass and ruining young lives in a job you are completely unsuited for?" I just think it over and over and hope she gets the message telepathically. Mean bitch. Oh, and she will not look in my direction and likes to have her friend sitting between me and her. She knows how I feel about her.
The second semi-regular is my Younglinks swim instructor who almost allowed him to drown. She always says hi and how you doing? I always want to punch her in the face or tell her to shove it up her ass.....but I don't. I just harbor more mean thoughts and keep my mouth shut lest I make a scene. Incompetent ignoramus.
Waiting rooms are highly unpredictable. My best bet is to find a safe spot to it, away from others and closest to the exit. I bring earplugs these days and just drift out the large windows.
There is a reason they make anti-anxiety meds. Appointments and waiting rooms make me nervous.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Lyme and Lichen..visiting my family doctor

I gathered my info on the correlation between Lyme Disease and Lichen Sclerosus and Borrelia. I presented my findings to my doctor. She finds it rather fascinating and referred me to an infectious disease specialist! Yeah! And she agreed to put me on Doxycycline to try and help this virulent sinus infection! Yeah, number two.
Having previously been on Doxy, I know it has an effect on the Borrelia. I have moved one small step in the right direction.

In reading more about possible symptoms of Borrelia, neurological disorders was one of the symptoms mentioned. I have had a long string of strange and undiagnosable neurological problems that have been sending me to the ER for years.
Let's take a look at them:
Neurological pain in my feet. Numbness, tingling, soreness
Loss of the ability to sit up and move without extreme effort
Excruciating lower back pain with no known cause
Eye disturbances causing my vision in one eye to turn into a bright, hot light.
Ringing in my ears

Upon doing any type of heavy physical exertion, ex. shoveling, the muscles involved in the activity burn and I am sore and exhausted for days afterward.
Honestly, I don't know what it's like to feel "good", healthy or well. I consider myself to have always felt subpar and either dealing with an illness or getting over one. Basically, I always feel like crap, just in varying degrees.
I've started keeping a log of my LS, Lyme and sinus conditions. I'm writing down what I eat and what medicines I take and when.
Maybe there is just a wee bit of hope for me.
Next step will be my visit to the specialist.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Lyme Disease and Lichen Sclerosus, my conclusions

I have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow. I will present my findings. Here they are:
Lyme Disease (LD) and Lichen Sclerosus (LS) are both rare diseases caused by the same bacteria, Borrelia. Study after medical study shows this to be the case.
I had my first symptoms of LS,  intense itching, at seven years of age.
LS frequently manifests at sites of trauma or injury. My sexual abuse started at five years of age and was at least a few times weekly.
Borrelia is difficult to identify as it "hides" well. It doesn't overtly show up in routine blood work ups, lab results.  One symptom is chronic low WBC, white blood cell, count. Looking over my lab test results, my WBC is consistently normal but very much in the lower end of the spectrum.
My LS has acted up, flared, if you will, throughout my entire life.
I have had a compromised immune system and very frequent illness, far above normal since I can remember.
I have consistently felt "Better" on certain antibiotics and for two weeks after taking them. Then I would start feeling unwell again.
I have had many instances of "unknown" and strange ailments, including neurological symptoms that have baffled doctors. Borrelia causes neurological problems.

There Is treatment available that can eradicat Borrelia. Various strong antibiotics taken over months do work. I will see if my doctor is willing to deal with this and/or refer me to a specialist.
I cannot see one dr. for my LD and chronic sinusitis and another for my LS as They Are Both Linked. Both caused by One organism.
It's time to get the proper care and treatment for what ails me.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I Dream of Love

Sometimes dreams are our brains way of expressing everyday stress and frustration. At other times, dreams enlighten and entertain. Then there are, what I like to call, healing dreams.
The dreams my autistic brain creates are...more real, than average. I believe one commonly used term is "vivid dreaming". The events and feelings I experience are just slightly less intense than every day life.
I have repeatedly had dreams where I am talking and hugging my sister who passed away. I love the discussions we "have", how it feels to hear her voice again, and the magical touch of her hand.
On more than one occassion, I have dreamt I put money in my pocket. Upon awaking, I actually searched for it and was quite dismayed to find "it was just a dream." I have awoken in pure terror when dream living one of my sons being lost. Likewise, I frequently dream that my Eldest is home and released from prison. Again, I happily, if ever so briefly, look for him and end up in tears because it is not reality.
In dreams, I feel strongly emotionally and physically.

The past couple weeks, I have had at least four-five different dreams with the same theme...someone, a boyfriend or girlfriend, loves me very, very much. The person who cares for me so deeply is always different. The common thread is that each love is very kind, sweet, caring, safe and be with me. I awaken feeling warm, smiling and with an inner feeling of...being loved.

Prior to two weekes ago, I fail to recall ever having a dream of this love and feeling magnitude. The sheer number of healing love dreams is beyond erratic or coincidental. Just today, I had one love dream with a twenty something, casually attractive and highly caring young man at night, in addition to having a nap dream with a thirty something sweet and beautiful woman television personality. I must add that the dreams are completely without a sexual component. They encompass nothing but deep caring and love.
I am very much enjoying these. I love the feeling in the dream, as well as the warm residue I experience upon awakening. Dreams can truly be healing.

Reading Body Language, Facial Expressions, Eye Contact, Smile

Facial expressions can be very difficult to read. People smile for a wide variety of reasons:
1) They are genuinely happy to see me
2) it's the polite thing to do
3) They do it all the time and it means nothing
4) It's a mask.
5) It's a ruse, deceptive they want to manipulate. They need something or want you to do something for them, possible sinister

Eye Contact
Eyes have "expression" that can be almost too intense. It is highly accurate in dictating how someone is feeling about themselves, about you and their life in general.
I see the eyes of someone in pain and it hurts me.
Likewise, with people who are upset or angry with me, painful.
I've seen "dead eyes", an expression completely devoid of any warmth or care; otherwise known as, "You are dead to me" or "I feel nothing at all for you."
Happy, warm, "I like you" eyes are my favorite.
It's easy to tell when someone is uninterested and bored. Those persons who look a away from me...I find upsetting and rude. (Yes, this from someone who rarely maintains eye contact. I deplore double-standards, but it is true)
While I cannot routinely be accurate in reading facial cues, I'm actually very good at reading body language. My Aspie brain easily picks out the detail of small and slight movements, shifts in head tilt and subtle foot taps.
The way a person carries themselves, that unique walk tell me about the overall happiness and well-being of an individual. How free are the major joints? Do the arms swing casually from the shoulder carefree? Or are arms pressed tightly to the body in defense and pain?
The ability to determine who a person is, even from a good distance, is one of my hallmarks. Each walk is very unique.
I guess I entered into this subject because of an event this morning. I went to my doctors to ask for copies of some of my medical records. My intent was to procure three or four different pages, but upon my inquiring at the reception desk, it was quite clear the secretary was having an awful morning. Without her even speaking, her eyes looked tired and heavy. Her shoulders were low, sank, in futility and exasperation. Her arm movements were slightly erratic in confusion, frustration.
I could see that I was an imposition...that my being there was at a hectic time for her.

I respected that, pared down my request to just two pages and left.
Reading people, faces, posture, movement is a valuable skill. It makes people, the world, a little more predictable.
I do recommend that if you would like to learn how to read body language, there are many very good and easy to understand books and material on the Internet. I read a number of them whilst a teen and believe that they helped me.

Monday, November 5, 2012

The correlation between Lyme Disease and Lichen Sclerosus

After spending the past few hours researching Lichen Sclerosus, I came upon an interesting common thread. Both diseases can be traced to the Borrelia burgdorferi bacterium. I find this highly interesting.
Two, very rare diseases, one body, one bad guy.
There apparently, according to at least one study, antibiotics that can eradicat or subdue the Lichen, which continues to be my biggest issue.
I'm going to call either or both, my family doctor and ob/gyn to see who can refer me to an infectious disease specialist in the nearby city, since someone, with knowledge of Both diseases needs to take a look at this.
Hmmm, there might be hope for me yet. I'll keep you informed

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Human Hibernation, Lotska

For the last five years, or so, i have jokingly commented that i start hibernating every fall. My energy level drops to 10-20%, and i easily spend up to 20 hours resting or sleeping. Seriously, this Is my normal.
In reading this wonderful article off the net....i dont feel so odd. It makes logical sense. My Eldest has always said that i am very much in tune with the rhythms of the earth and the seasons.
My diet changes with each season, along with my mood. In Spring I bounce and have bountiful energy and I crave salads, chicken and light foods. Autumn I rest and eat lots of root veggies, potatoes and pumpkin pies along with burgers and steak. Frequently, I end up with a string of illnesses, but methinks that's only because I fight the urge to rest so much.
I'm not sick. I'm nowhere near depressed, I'm hibernating!
I do find it interesting that this phenomenon has been recorded among Russian peasants. My genealogy states that I am more Polish than anything else. Maybe it's a genetic, regional occurrence.

A Long Winter’s Nap: How Hibernation Helps You
Season changes in weather also affect how our minds and bodies work.
By Carol Venolia
January/Febraury 2009
In the depths of winter, do you find yourself wanting to sleep more, eat more and curl up by the fire? We often behave as if seasonal changes are irrelevant to a modern lifestyle. After all, in many ways, civilization is all about overcoming nature. But our bodies are evolutionarily old and remember how weather once dictated behavior. In winter, we hunkered around a fire, repairing tools and telling tales that wove our culture. We packed our bodies close and slept long.
Now we act as if it’s always summer, demanding consistently high productivity at work and at home. But our bodies require cycles of activity and rest—daily, annually. When days are long, our metabolisms and energy levels amp up. In winter, we produce hormones that make us sleepy, giving us time to restore body, mind and soul.

And there’s nothing wrong with that cycle—except that we work against it, forcing ourselves to operate at summer levels even in winter. No wonder so many people feel depressed at this time of year!
How SAD is that?
You’ve probably heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. You might even suffer from it—as many as half a million U.S. citizens do, according to the American Academy of Family Physicians. The fact that most clinicians address the issue via technology (daily exposure to high-intensity electric light) and/or medication provides an interesting perspective on our time. But some have noted that SAD’s symptoms have more in common with hibernation than with clinical depression.
Could SAD be a result of modern living’s demand to move at top speed all day, every day—and mostly indoors, disconnected from the sun’s cycles? Could we give in to a bit of hibernation?
Oh, to hibernate!
Hibernation is a survival strategy some animals use to get through foodless winters. Though humans don’t hibernate, some cultures have come close.
In 1900, the British Medical Association published a description of winters among Russian peasants. For centuries, they survived scant winter food by engaging in lotska—sleeping the whole season away. “At the first fall of snow the whole family gathers round the stove, lies down, ceases to wrestle with the problems of human existence and quietly goes to sleep.”
The peasants woke daily to eat some bread and drink some water and then dropped off again, taking turns keeping the fire going. After six months, “the family wakes up, shakes itself, goes out to see if the grass is growing, and by-and-by sets to work at summer tasks,” the article states.
In a 2007 New York Times editorial, historian Graham Robb similarly described rural 19th-century France:
Economists and bureaucrats who ventured out into the countryside after the Revolution were horrified to find that the work force disappeared between fall and spring...Villages and even small towns were silent, with barely a column of smoke to reveal a human presence. As soon as the weather turned cold, people all over France shut themselves away and practiced the forgotten art of doing nothing at all for months on end.

Dreaming of a better world
What if we indulged our inclination to slow down in winter? We’d sleep more and demand less from ourselves. We’d be more inward and reflective. I once met an artist who had mastered this. Perusing her work, I asked how she stayed creative as a painter, writer, weaver and sculptor. Her answer:
She changes media each season. In summer she’s out on her deck chiseling a sculpture. In fall, she is reflective and poetic. In winter, she works with warm fiber at her loom. And as spring beckons her outdoors, she sets up her easel in the meadow. Should our lives be any less a work of seasonal art?
Carol Venolia is an eco-architect and co-author of Natural Remodeling for the Not-So-Green House (Lark Books, 2006). She teaches in the Sustainable Communities program at Dominican University of California . Chat with her at .
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Dunderweed Definition

A dunderweed is an idiot or nincompoop who is obnoxious, intrusive and difficult to get rid of.
They are invasive, widespread and just plain creepy. Impossible to eradicat, they can be somewhat contained with accurate identification and appropriate verbal bantering skills. Avoidance is the best protocol, but somedays they are just fucking everywhere.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Autism and Gender, Tomboys and Engineers

I read this fascinating article by Simon Baron-Cohen and I want to share paraphrased excerpts that amuse and enlighten me.
The genetic component...children and grandchildren of engineers are more likely to be autistic.
My grandfather And my great-grandfather were both engineers.
Systemizing-the passion to analyze and construct systems, whether mechanical (automobiles, computers, rocket or weapon technology), natural (health, running, weight training, dietary), political or social (utopian societies, communal communities, public welfare systems)
All systems follow rules. When you can systemize, you identify the rules that govern the system so you can predict how that system works. The fundamental drive to systemize may explain why autistics love repetition, patterns, predictability and resist unexpected changes.
I remember in sixth grade designing a utopian world where everyone was equal, wore the same clothes, all jobs paid the same, all homes identical, etc. I designed kennels whereby all puppies were equally fed and attended to. My Aspie son works on a more global scale designing fleets, systems of new, improved technological armies and navies, green technologies, improved political systems, among other things.

A study was conducted in which children with Aspergers outperformed older Neuro-typical kids on a test info understanding mechanics. Aspies also scored high in attention to detail. Attention to detail is necessary for systemizing. When trying to understand a system, it is essential to be able to spot the small details or if you mistake one tiny variable (imagine building a bridge with one miscalculation near the base). Both parents also tested higher for attention to detail.
Not only engineers, but other technological people's may harbor the autism gene. In one study, math students were nine times more likely than humanities students to be autistic.

If genes for technological aptitude are linked to autism, then autism should be higher in technological communities, like Silicon Valley, which some claim has autism rates 10 times higher than the general population.
On a slightly different note, autism is more common in boys. Classic autism 4 boys to every girl. Aspergers 9 boys to every girl. Strong systemizing is much more common in men. Likewise, in childhood, boys have a stronger interest in mechanical systems (toy cars) and construction systems (Legos). As adults, en are over represented in science, technology, engineering and math). Maybe high levels of testosterone in the fetus contribute to strong systemizing.
A study of over 200 amniocentesis, found that the more testosterone surrounding a fetus, the stronger the child's later interests in systems, better interest in details and higher autism traits.
If true, women with autism should be especially masculinized in certain ways. Girls with autism show tomboyism in toy choice preferences. I, myself, have always had a plethora of masculine traits and consider myself androgynous.
"People with autism, whose minds differ from what we consider typical, frequently display both disability and exceptional aptitude. Genes that contribute to autism may overlap with genes for the uniquely human ability to understand how the world works in extraordinary detail-see beauty in patterns inherent in nature, technology, music and math." Thanks Simon:)

Anchors and Aspergers

An Aspie Anchor: someOne or someThing that can be trusted, helpful, grounding and provide a source of stability, comfort and reason, whether in person, memory or fantasy

I've had this theory that every Aspie needs at least one outside person who is an anchor.
Throughout my life, it's been a mixed bag. Sometimes I had an anchor, many times not. An anchor is probably the greatest...resource and assistance for an autistic to navigate the challenges of everyday life and functionality.
Autistics without any anchor...well, it makes me very know, seeing them flounder in the raging waters, hiding in closets, self-abusing, you get the picture. I call anchorless autistics "Orphan Aspies". It's oft a confusing, needy, unsure way to live.
I know, my words contine to befuddle me and come out kinda tilted.
An Orphan Aspie is sometimes...directionless, chasing red herrings and unable to focus. Like that damn inner compass that NTs are gifted with is completely missing. It's hard to figure out the big things from the little things.
I consider myself...somewhat adrift, these days. I think I have a partial rudder and the steering works on some days.
I used to have.....a few reliable anchors. Lately, in this storm of chaos, I barely have one, maybe.

I've been turning more from the people anchors to item anchors, as they seem more hardy and trustworthy. Things never let you down, don't talk back and can't ignore you. Yeah, they hurt less right now.
My bio family has fallen away, again. And I can't fathom ever seeing or being near any of them again. Friends have retreated into autumn and warm fires at the hearth. Those who I used to...count on...fell down, got busy, turned away. So be it. I ant sit and whine. Everyone has to live their own life.
I do consider myself to be in a...better place whilst half-anchored. I don't think this rope will break as I'm tossed to and for. Complaining, whining, really doesn't get one anywhere and serves little purpose.
It's just the way it is. I'm fine.

On Being a Loner

I'm not sure if being a loner is a choice or a necessity. Interacting with people just hurts too much. Betrayal is you thought that pit bull was chained up but now suddenly it's running loose.
Trust is breaking and shards of glass rain all about...I hate that sound.
At least when Im alone, someone listens to me.
By myself, my dreams and fantasies are richer and more entertaining than any real life drama or play.
I'm no longer invisible to myself. I see and value who I am.
My words continue to stumble and fall, like an errant toddler chasing the bouncy ball.
When I'm alone, I don't have to pretend to pay attention or work to maintain eye contact, try and analyze expressions or search for the meaning of what someone is really trying to say.

I don't have to put up with pretenders and empty words either.
When I'm alone, the world slowly revolves around me and I am at the center of my universe.
By myself, what I've always been and probably what I always will be.
No one can hurt me if I keep them all away. Guess I'm still feeling pretty wounded.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Polite isn't always right

Sometimes my autism and delay in verbal processing makes me feel stupid and defenseless. I had a meeting at Younglinks school and the notice said four other school personnel would be attending. I looked over the paper, noting which parties I was familiar with and the one wild card, and mentally prepared my self.

When I showed up for the meeting, I was quickly introduced to Stranger #1 and asked, no, told that she would be attending.
Then as the other attendees arrived, someone invited Known Uninvitee #2. Now I was screwed.
In the first place, had I not been so darn polite, I would have quickly asked Stranger #1 to please leave. But, since the thought of humiliating someone so, goes against everything I believe in, I let it ride. I could have easily requested that Known Invitee leave as well. But no.

My only response to these unknown variables was typical....I shut down. I only spoke when necessary and spent most of my time staring out the window, wishing I had some control over this unforeseen mess and desperately wishing I could be somewhere else.
It wasn't until late that evening that all the delayed emotions surfaced. I was pissed at the meeting chairperson, who Knows I am autistic and does not adjust well to sudden, unpredictable changes and complete strangers. I felt she betrayed me and was disrespectful in her oversight. Yes, I'm still miffed about that one.
Secondly, I was mad at myself. Damned upset at the helpless feeling of being in an uncontrollable situation which I could not change. I felt Ambushed and bushwhacked. Had I not been polite, not autistic, and with a hint of self esteem, I would have requested a recess and a re "grouping".
The following morning, today, I contacted the meeting chairperson for a private meeting where I vented and stated my feelings. I so insulted. I know the world is by its very nature unpredictable, but I expect respect, especially...if Only from those people that are Aware of what makes me uncomfortable And distressed!
Yeah, I'm still pissed.
Meeting chair took full responsibility for the "oversight" and apologized. She quickly understood her err.
At first, I thought I was making a big thing from a little thing, but no.....this is how I feel and it is justified.
Just another thing, another situation to be mentally prepared for when the next meeting comes due. Dammit

Friday, August 31, 2012

I Am An Incest Survivor

*Strong Adult Content. Highly Disturbing and Graphic.*
Incest-sexual intercourse between persons too closely related to marry

Incest, the very word frightens people. No one likes to think that an adult would deliberately rape a child, especially their own offspring.
My father repeatedly raped me from the time I was five years old. Dads favorite form of sexual assault was anal rape, which he forced on me from the time I was five until my teenage years.
When it started, dad described it as a "special kind of game" that only I could play with him. There were prizes and rewards based on my behavior and outcome. I was his favorite, his special one that could satisfy him sexually as my mother never could. It was all trickery, deceit and manipulation of my small child self. I had no idea that it was wrong or immoral as this was my father, a person, the only person whom I loved and trusted. Why would he betray me and lead me astray?
I was sworn to secrecy....under penalty of death.
Dad made his point by unmercifully killing my pets in front of me.
He routinely tied me up, held me down and forced himself into my fragile body. I had no resources to fight him off.
I learned to dissociate, to leave my body at will and to numb myself to the incredible pain.
If I resisted, I was physically injured with a hand at my throat or a hard slap to the side of my head.
I was forced to perform oral sex on him, repeatedly, weekly, from the time I was five. I was often rewarded with money or treats for my performance.

I repressed the memories of the rapes, the incest, as long as possible. I had to appear normal. In my twenties I finally broke down....and memories started rushing to the forefront.
I moved away and completely disconnected from my biological family, save an accusatory letter to them. My father viciously denied what he did. My mother always supports whatever dad says. My nine siblings sided with my dad, as well. They thought I was just making it up.
Would someone give me one,nsolid reason why a child would make up stories about being raped? There are no reasons. They were just protecting the sole breadwinner and trying to keep their good catholic name clean. They cared not for me. I get that. They were protecting themselves.
My father lives still. He and my mother babysit their grandchildren. All of my siblings are fully aware that I accuse my father of sexually raping me when I was young...yet they disbelieve me and put their own precious children within his reach. This frightens me. And angers me. If they fail to care about me, so be it, but do not tempt a child not allow this egregious harm to happen again. The statute of limitations is up...and they refuse to listen and believe.
The Incest, repeated rapes from my father have left me with a shattered psyche and numerous ailments. It's hard to trust anyone. It's almost impossible to like and feel good about myself. I suffer from chronic depression, nightmares and insomnia. I am full of fear, pain and anxiety. I have spent over fourteen years in therapy trying to feel okay about myself.
In the telling, is the truth
In the remembering and releasing is the healing.
Incest has no power over me.
I will continue to shatter taboo and speak openly and freely about my fathers incestuous behaviors.
I am not ashamed for what was done to me, when I was young and completely powerless.
I carry not the blame or shame. For I am now,and always have been, Completely Innocent.
An adult who rapes a child is the lowest, most vile criminal.
My father walks free. He is not behind bars.
I am the one who bears the scars and wounds...
And I Will Not Keep Quiet
I Will Continue To Shatter The Silence With The Truth
Incest Happens
And I Survived

Saturday, August 25, 2012

First Impressions and Aspergers

Heads Up. If you know that you are going to meet someone with Aspergers for the very first time, heed my advice. Dress in comfortable clothes that give clues to your personality. Wear sensible and fun shoes, as Aspies spend a lot of time looking down. Bling it up. Adorn yourself with sparklies, jewelry, watches and bracelets, and something shiny at your neckline. Aspies love bling and it gives us a focal point other than your face.
Most importantly, wear the brightest, friendliest smile you can muster. The first impression you create, is the one that will forever stay with the Aspie. Make it a happy memory.

Friday, August 24, 2012

The Many Reasons I Sometimes Cannot Talk

In rethinking my post, "When I Cannot Speak", there are actually a multitude of reasons I am unable to utter a single word.
1) When I am in one of my autistic exhaustion shutdown modes,and I simply do not have the energy.
2) if I get very emotional, verbal center shuts down
3) sometimes I have two or three trains of thought vying to get out at once
4) I go selectively mute when overwhelmed with anxiety
5) I cannot pronounce words, names....for reasons unknown to me. Unusual proper people names that don't compute in my Aspie brain
6) words that can have sexual connotations, pleasure, s t i m, g r o i n. And words I consider gross....f e c e s, c r a p, v o m i t....sometimes I can say them, but rarely
7) I cannot pronounce words, Not already in my mental dictionary, like acacia as an example, properly unless I hear someone say it and then consciously write out the word in my head.
8) when younger, non-verbal or mute parts of myself are fully present
Verbalizing...well, it's very complicated

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Most Important Thing I Wish People Would Understand About My Autism that I am giving 110% , 100% of the time. Simple tasks often involve Enormous Effort. I am probably the most honest person that you will ever your lifetime. I fake Nothing. I manipulate no one. Please believe what I am trying to say to you. That's all I ask.
Case in point, funny, sad but true. I was invited onto my friends boat, the other day. I saw my friend descend this ladder and easily hop on. I got stuck and stymied. I stood there. I had difficulty figuring out exactly how to turn my body and go down this ladder And step upon this boat that was visibly the water. Visually, it was daunting...the descent, not being able to see where I was going and stepping onto a new, strange moving object. Oh, I was sure I would end up in the water. This whole, relatively simple experience put my autistic mind into a tailspin. After standing there...I asked for help and with difficulty managed to accomplish this.
I am, very honestly, doing the very best that I can with what I have got.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Aspergers Communication 101

Communication, like everything else in my life, is a complexity. I'll try and narrow down the highlights of the communication challenge:
I have to figure out exactly what I want to convey, find the right words and put them in order so I may be understood.
Two, I have to decide whether what I want to say, is appropriate.
Three, I have to casually scan, search, for the right time to verbalize, watching for lips to stop moving, pauses in the other persons speech and some good guessing that it is my turn to speak.
Four, lol, I have to actually speak the words and sentences that I have been holding in wait, in my brain.
Sounds easy, doesn't it? It's weird how the simplest, everyday things, no one ever thinks or worries about causes great stress for this Aspie.

People write blogs for different reasons. Me, I write so people hear my thoughts are finally blog listens and makes me real:)

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Aspergers, Employment and Reality

Well, I sat down with a friend of mine, who knows me extremely well and understands autism. She confirmed my current train of thought. I don't believe that I could ever hold a full time job due to my autism.
Hmm, in my late forties and finally seeing the full picture.
Even a short term, part time job is questionable due to my shutdowns, emotional....upheavals and selective mutism.
It's a...challenging piece of reality. This is how I will always be. Unless an ideal job comes along...I don't have the ability to retain sustainable employment.
I'm still processing this info. I don't know, the fallacy was fun...that I could get a job. Hmm, time for that harsh reality check.

I will...always require human assistance in understanding basic, everyday things and situations. I will always be fifty cents short of a dollar. This is more challenging then the former as I must interact with nts. Nts are not the most trustworthy of individuals. I find, overall, their moral code to be subpar. Yikes, I'm not trying to be prejudicial, but I have run in to too many nts that lie with alarming regularity. Trust of Aspie to nt......yikes.
How many people have I trusted...well, actually, I can think of three or four at this moment, people nts that I currently know. Hmmm, those few bad apples really do spoil the sauce. My apologies nts. Some Do have acceptable and admirable morals. Sorry I jumped to judgement.
So, I will always have to rely on stay in touch with everyday reality, that is.
Hmm, I was going to write more...but those two items right there will keep me up nights...processing
It'll be ok

Saturday, August 4, 2012

A Down Day

On the upside, I had my first decent night of sleeping in, like, forever. I honestly cannot remember the last time I slept for many hours comfortably. I tried my new med and boy, did it feel like a piece of heaven. It was, pardon me if I sound like a heroin addict here, like a gentle slide into a warm, quiet, comforting, safe place. My incessant, rambling mind sllooowwweeedddd way down. All my bothersome aches and body pains evaporated. I was left in the most pleasing of states. So I slept.
Then my day...the aches and digestive discomforts return. The weather is oppressive, hot and I go out and mow the lawn. Yep, one of those people who doesn't realize she should come in out of the rain, as it were. Aw, I just don't like feeling useless. I tolerated that for a short spell and it took me out f the running for going to church tonight as I've become somewhat listless and overwhelmed with fatigue.
So I'm laying here, in my room, cleaning up my iPad, drifting off into space, mulling over possibilities and such. Pretty damn useless.
I know there are two items to be done this week, one with therapist and one with my friend. Two main components to my plan for better health. Oh, three, have that lab work done on Monday.
It's hard to see clearly with foggy lens. My autism colors and shades every decision I make. I wish I could trust my autistic self. Hmfp, that sounds like a huge core issue. Like something I always wrestle with but can never pin down.
How can an autistic trust herself? Ever?

Monday, July 30, 2012

Being a Good Parent, The Aspergers Parent

One of the things, that I am most proud of, is being a good parent. This skill I learned completely on my own, as I had no positive role models.
Here's what I've learned:
The child always comes first ahead of my needs. If my son needs something, for me to listen or to help, I stop what I am doing. Yes, it's a no-brainier, but with my loops and monorailic trains of thought, this can challenge me.
My son eats healthy meals at regular intervals. It doesn't matter that I eat erratically and the same exact meals everyday. My child needs a variety and is always served a main dish, fruit or vegetable, milk or juice and sometimes dessert.
I compliment good behavior and work at building on his strengths and minimizing his weaknesses.
I lead, teach by my example.
I am generous with love and affection.
I am honest with my child regarding my autism. If there is some activity that I cannot do because of my Aspergers, I explain it to my son, in terms he understands.
I've taught my son that there are times I cannot speak. He has learned my various hand gestures so we can communicate. He is aware that I sometimes cannot talk and drive. My up raised hand is his signal to wait. Hugs and handholding reassure him that even though I cant speak, I am listening and there for him.
I correct and talk about negative behaviors and again, I lead by example.
I forgive indiscretions and have taught my sons to do likewise.
If we are both hungry, I make sure he eats first. If there is one sandwich, he gets three fourths. That's what being a parent means.
I make sure he gets outside, exercises and plays with other kids, as much as possible. It does not matter that I would rather lay on the couch or don't feel well. His needs come first.
I am teaching and learning about consequences of actions.
I stand up for my sons against teachers, school systems, rude and mean people All the Time!!! They know momma will always fight for their rights and their well being.
I say what I mean and I mean what I say, I Love my children:)

Friday, July 20, 2012

The World Within

Time to engage in inside trading, sharing some of the intricate, rarely mentioned small tales of what my inner world is like.
There are many barriers, invisible electrified fences between me and any's just a varying degree of layers and thickness.
Picture someone standing at a closed window unable to break the glass...seeing, silently watching...unable to figure out how the window opens.
The outside world is alien....and sometimes I am an alien onto myself.
Feelings, emotions are these estranged, sticky, foreign thingies...that are either too far away or consuming me.
Because I am unable to easily ascertain how I am feeling, emotionally speaking, I get visual clues of pictures and scenes. If I look at the scene and analyze, I can tell how I am feeling. The post Where the Walls Live, goodness, I love that title plus it is extremely apt.
I see a version of me skipping through a meadow, which indicates that overall, I am feeling pretty good. In the vision I am not trudging nor do I carry any baggage or worries. The sky is clear, blue with a spattering of bright white, distant clouds. Then that damn wall appears, out of nowhere, unexpectedly, telling me what I already knew, I have reached a block, a place I cannot go or get through with any sense of ease.
I could stand there, stuck and stymied, for days if I so desired...the wall isn't moving, so I do.
I've learned that I can muddle through paths awash in heavy rains, over small boulder strewn roads, out of pits, wells and crevices of my specialties is going over, around and through barricades...many, many barricades have there been, but I've not mastered the walls. They be too thick and fortified. There are some, albeit few, places I cannot travel. Mostly, I respect that. Sometimes I grab hammer and chisel...often I just have to wait for the wall to melt on its own accord. Timing can be everything.

Sometimes I don't know where I'm going...but the direction feels right. I started a brand new art project...and I'm not sure what it will be when I'm done.

She was a tornado, churning and twisting upon alone in the fields, dangerous to those caught too near...knowing not her own strength or impact. Few dared draw near...fewer still, could withstand the wind....

It is very weird, at suddenly find my self autistic. Hmmmm, very weird indeed.

Where the Walls Live

I am always autistic, but the symptoms outwardly show only 5-10% of the time. My life is like running in an open meadow and suddenly being stopped cold, by a ten foot tall wall, in all directions.
Those times, wall encounters, when I remember I have Aspergers and need help or am unable to function "normally", are frustrating. As I stand affixed to the ground, transfixed on some far way vanishing point, I remember that I am different.
I've been doing a helluva lot of passing for normal these days. Sometimes I have to work at it, other times it's a natural flow for me. As my fears and phobias have shrunk from large, looming monsters into small, muffled barking dogs, Life has become less times I may even call it "easier" and more manageable.
Then this wall appeared, out of nowhere. Hmmm, struck mute, yet again. Seems I've come across a situation that....that is emotionally painful to the point of all-stop. I am at a loss to describe it. I have no words for it. When I attempt to think about it, my mind goes blank and carries me to that cherry blossom tree, over there.
I cannot address or fix, what I cannot think about or say. This Is Autistic Behavior. I'm not trying to be rude or bad, difficult or cryptic. It is a sticky place, a stuck point.
I cannot even begin to fathom how to move beyond this wall. So, like the good Aspie that I am, I turn around and find another road to travel.
It's just me. I'm okay

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Unspeakable Dreams

Who would have thought I sometimes hang with liers and thieves. Lately, I dream of aggressive venomous snakes and shiny black guns. My dreams, once again, flow rich with symbolism. So much I am not at liberty to say. Uncomfortable be the princess in the tower...for Rapunzel, Rapunzel has no hair...she had to shave it off when the tic bit and her body fell into an unpleasant, heavy stupor, but at least, she still remembers her name,
Dreams are fluffy, white bunches of clouds pulled from the sky, then molded and shaped to whim. Yup, my hands be full of cloudy bits and pieces.
Today was a Mighty suck...three strikes, three sins, three mistakes and I retreat to the dugout built in the side of that hill where the sun doth shine unless I ask it to.
Ahhh, feeling helpless and small...trampled and stepped on. Damn you oh accursed elephants! If only I could find the key, that I freely gave away. If only I could muster...a charge up that hill...but I have no idea what is on the other side...but whispy dreams and fairy tale wishes.
Realigning my strength, trying not to think...too hard about that present.
I really feel my physical hiatus should be done now...really. Three weeks and counting..searching for even half of normal. Sigh..very, very frustrated. Someone start this carnival back up so I can mess with the carnies. And enjoy elephant ears and weasel-on-a-stick. The princess demands it...oh, if wishes were horses...ride, ride, ride
Nough said

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Not about you

I'm still deeply ensconced in this swinging pendulum of Lyme induced freakish sleep patterns. It always carries an insomniatic twist and is unlike anything that I have ever experienced before. The most probable nighttime pattern, is to sleep for an hour or two. However, this week has proven to take sleep disturbances to a whole new level. I can be awake for two entire days and nights without feeling tired at all. Then what follows is almost two days of solid sleep, or wanting to anyway.
Thank heavens my arthritic knee pain has abated. It is still around just to a very minor degree. The fatigue seems to be omnipresent. I have little energy the majority of time. I'm just happy when I have the ability to keep little guy and myself bathed, fed and somewhat entertained.
I've spent considerable resting time listening to chakra singing bowls by 12soundsolutions on YouTube. Omg, my chakras are opening and healing in pronounced and dramatic ways. Thus, my time really hasn't been wasted.
I've pondered and learned A Lot about where I am in this life, how I got here and where to go next. I love it when the mindfog clears and I can clearly see the chess board before and who has played what. Developing a strategy for healthier living:)
I'm listening to my body and doing what I can to heal. Currently that means big time rest. I am happy to report that I do feel progress and I feel less sick inside, if that makes sense. I be ambling up that road to recovery slowly but surely:)
Be Well

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Eye Contact and Body Language

I'm really more in belief of the theory that Aspies don't make eye contact because we see too much. Being a visual species, eye contact contains a plethora of often overwhelming information. I can see when people carry deep pain, or when they are bored, angry or disappointed. I can see when they are happy to see me or wish they were somewhere else.
It's a gamble, eye contact. I want to see all the positives, but the negatives can be too saddening.
I have seen a number of things. Someone wore "dead eyes", telling me that I was unworthy, disappointing, of no worth or value to them.
I see sparkles of happiness or " I'm glad to see you" in the most unlikely places, often times those clerks at the store that I enjoy chatting with.
I can see where peoples are satisfied with their life and the direction it is going.
Troubled eyes bother me, when I don't know if it's at all about me or some other facet of ones life.
So many people have such pain. Hmmm, I wonder if that is one reason that I couldn't look in the mirror for lo these many years.
I think I avoid eye contact when I don't want to see too much into someone else's life, or it hurts too much. Often I don't want to share, give away so much of what is going on inside of me, either.

Body Language, BL
Again, being a visual species once learned, BL can be mastered by the Aspie. I remember reading quite a few books on the subject in high school. It is quite interesting and fairly easy to learn, once you acquire the basics. Of course, sometimes when I am passionately engaged in speaking, I completely forget to look for clues and I have been known to misread them. Overall, I find it, BL a useful indicator of a persons mood and feeling. I highly recommend reading books or Internet articles regarding body language.
Eldest wrote and said that he is enjoying the television show "The Mentalist" because there is a lot of information regarding body language and postures.
Body Language signs and meanings can be learned and are a useful tool for autistics.

I'm Sorry...regarding apologies

There are some people, who are polite, who easily apologize. There are others who apologizes way too much, to their own detriment. Usually it's those who have low self-esteem and feel unworthy.
I would have previously, fallen into the latter category.
The people to be most weary of are those who never or very rarely, apologize. They are the control freaks who crave power and are never wrong.
Just something I've noticed

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Lyme Disease and Insomnia

I slept 1 hour last night, Seriously. I haven't even been tired today. Bedtime approaches and I am nothing near feeling sleepy. Methinks I shall phone my doctor in the morn. This symptom feels so very bizarre.
I did lookup on the inet and this is a rather common complaint with having Lyme D.
I'm too weary to be anything near productive. I rest as much as I can to help me body rid this ill.

I've been thinking quite a bit...all those hours awake and all. I have faith that the wind is blowing with me, not against me. I know that I am more capable than I have been. I am a series of ready-to-be-tapped resources.....good thing as opportunity is knocking.
Take Care Friends....sleep tight. Lololololol

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Gluten-free Crackers

I had my first cracker in over a year and a half, yesterday. Or, dare I say, my first cracker that actually tastes like a cracker.
Schar GF free Cheese Bites are crackers that taste Great. I had tried a number of other crusty, crackly, cardboard-like thingys that called themselves crackers, but they weren't edible by any stretch of the imagination.
I am so happy! I cracked open a can of my favorite chicken and rice soup and through a handful of Cheese Bites on top.....Heaven!
I'm just sayin

Generic vs Non-Generic, Not The Same, Medication

I started my antibiotics last week. My pharmacy didn't have enough doxycycline, so they gave me enough for a few days. When I returned to get the remaining pills, they were generic. The first batch was a brilliant blue color. These last ones are pale beige. Supposedly the beige is the generic equivalent. Not true.
When I ingested the blue, my hypersensitive system registered a reaction. About twenty minutes after taking blue, there was this little inner heat wave along with some subtle nausea. My intestional system also registered the standard antibiotic reaction and became....freer.
I take beige...and I get absolutely nothing. My body has zero reaction. In the three days since starting beige, my Lyme symptoms have all returned. Blue actually stopped, temporarily cured my arthritic knees, painful joints, headaches and swollen lymph nodes.mi could be up, semi-functional and moving about.
Since taking beige...the generic....I've gone completely downhill. I'm back where I started. I feel cheated and frustrated.
Once again, what someone says is perfectly sound and alright, in this case the FDA, is Absolutely Not.
Once again, my body speaks truth and I listen.
My Lyme Disease will not be cured taking the beige sugar pills. I'm not sure about my rights but I will march to my pharmacy with a smile on my face, a gentle voice and a determined nature. I will, once Again, be in charge of my own healing. I will see if I can get the beige changed to blue.
You know, it really makes me many perfectly legal but completely inept generic meds are out there being ingested by the unsuspected public. How many people are failing to heal because their medication is inferior? Superbugs makes sense.
Damn, this seems so epidemically Wrong and downright criminal, but it is all perfectly legal.
Be wary, listen to your body.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

The One Friend Theory...loneliness

Aspies highly value their friendships. To find someone with whom they can completely be themselves, to allow the walls, barriers and barricades to drop, is such a blessing, a relief.
The years, the nights spent in the thick fog of loneliness, praying and pleading for someone of worth to come along and hold out their Aspie only needs one true friend for that entire realm of loneliness to go away.
A prayer answered is highly cherished. Aspie doesn't need a dozen, a handful or even a few. Every Aspie craves one person in this alien world to be able to communicate with. It seems like such a small, small request...but it's near impossible to accomplish.
It's hard to see and hear others doing this, going there, engaging in that....when one was not born with the mechanism or know how to inquire, to speak, to exchange pleasantries, share a joke, go out to eat.
I used to kinda talk down about my son who had just the one friend...hmmm, now I get it. Now I understand why one friend can mean so much.
Because that was all he needed to feel good about himself and his place in the world.
One friend cures loneliness. That simple.
Friendship is such an enormous gift. I wish I knew the secret formula
Must be feeling rather isolated, locked in.
I mean, some, probably most have family members available,that care or that they can count on. I don't...haven't for years...but I do remember what it was like.
Hmm, I used to have a half dozen people's I could drop in on, call or see a movie with. Damn, just guess I felt like suffering tonight. Damn, that was probably the best thing about my immediate and extended family. Someone cared, someone wanted to talk with...sometimes even asking for advice or my Opinion. Wow...why did I give that up again? At this moment that seems like heaven.Damn. Something just isn't working for me. Frolicking in the depths of despair. Remembering...wondering...
I know I'm not the only one
I just wish I could make me and every one who feels like this better..because god its awful.
Nothing like pouring my heart out at 5am
I wonder if anyone knows I'm here

Friday, July 6, 2012

Find Me

I used to play a game...I'd go outside, to park or woods and wait for someone to find me...or notice I was missing. Those summer days, as a child, completely off and alone...and no one ever came looking.
I used to play a game, when I was a teenager. I'd walk off to the playground or woods, sit and wait to see if anyone noticed I was gone. Those summer nights long, dark, peaceful, lonely. No one ever looked.
I used to play a game, when I was married. I'd drive off to the store, for hours. Returning I was not really missed.
I used to play a game, when I was an adult...because I learned it as a child. No one calls or comes looking. Nothing has changed.

True story

Too much time awake

Methinks too much with mind awake and body tired.
Strange, dark and gloomy feelings in the midst. It took me a few moments to realize that it is my old and cherished friend, loneliness.
Loneliness: the want of another; wanting someone who likes you to be near, to converse with, to share with...hoping it will be awhile before they get really irritating and you have to send them off.
Damn, hadn't communed with loneliness...for awhile.
Just realized that I have had one outside conversation that week. It also dawned on me that no one has called. No hounds of love or like looking for me....again.
Guess summer is a busy time...peoples want to spend it with family.
So if you don't have family, you are kinda screwed. If you don't rake high up on that ladder of priority And tell many friends can rate anywhere...even beloved family?
Is it so much to be wanted?
I don't think I was ever wanted
Came into this world, arms one on that receiving end. There was no one there. Guess I have a little predisposition to loneliness, feeling lost and unwanted. Sigh
Not sure how to fix that one
What kind of rug or lumber can you buy to cover up That hole.
How do you make peoples care about you?
How do you get thems to want to be around you?
Seems a lifelong problem I haven't figured out yet
I have never felt wanted...unless someone wanted to use me
Few value my company
Very, very, very few

Lyme and Whine, Festivals and Frenzy

I'm rolling with the unexpected bouts of insomnia or sudden tiredness. I'm not entirely convinced my now generic antibiotic is working as well as the non-generic pills I started off taking. The arthritis in my news has flared with a vengeance. My energy level has fallen as well. If this keeps up overthe weekend I'll check in with my doc and see what she says.
My little town of 7,000 has doubled in size with the summer residents and tourists. All of my familiar haunts and stores, even the streets are filled with uncertainty. It's like all the normal, predictable patterns from traffic flow, to where to park at the grocstore, the sights and outfits people wear, even the very sounds of different voices, pitch and accent have all my Aspie senses ..well...upset and confused. I don't like it one bit.
I'm hesitant to go out anywhere. The craze of chaotic traffic patterns from those unfamiliar with our town layout, is so obvious to me. Nothing moves as it used to. It's like I'm standing, driving in a foreign city where all the rules, sights and sounds have suddenly changed. Somewhat discerning and distressing, no doubt.
I wasn't make it into the actual grocstore. My usual parking spot was unavailable, lost amongst a sea of RVs and trailers with boats. I saw no familiar patterns or manner of dress in those crowds walking to and fro the store. I found absolutely nothing familiar or I left. Same story at the only other I went home, empty-handed...didn't need that hamburger anyway.
I don't feel like doing anything, so I won't.
Enjoy your weekend:)

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Living alone

Circumstances are such that I have the house completely to myself, going on three days now.
I really like it. I have no expectations and no one to answer to. I'm not working to appease or please anyone but me. I sleep, eat, dress and do whatever I fancy. I've found out a lot about me. I like who I am.
There is no hurry, no stress or worry. I don't believe I have ever, ever been in this place before.
I've been rudimenting...happily on some recent experiences. I have been making peace and understanding the part of me that was three years old and disconnected from the outside world. I comprendo. Normal likes noise. Most people seem to relish or have become accustomed to incessant, irritating noise, televisions and such. Ninety percent of my alonetime has been in absolute silence, save the sound of my own breath and quiet murmurings to myself. I like quiet.
My appetite and sleep "schedule" are still very skewed due to the Lyme D. Seems I wait until dawn to even attempt anything resembling sleep. Methinks Lyme + nightly childhood incest are equally responsible for the heavy insomnia.
I eat when hungry and sleep whenever, as long as its after dawn.
I realized that I am attractive, fun, niceable, desirable and a very good, caring person.
I found someone who cares and loves me For No Reason...not to use, abuse, manipulate or tower over. It's earth shattering, heaven quaking and extremely cool.
I can feel love....another newbie as the mechanism for lovelove was previously seriously broken, busted, clogged and not at all working. I spend a lot of time in this awareness.
Angels walk the earth, in human form. I should know, I've met at least two.
Trust is a two-handled glass. Trust is the basis of any good, healthy relationship. I almost lost someone I cared very much about. It wasn't that her handle on the glass was slipping, rather, due to questionable circumstances, I was getting ready to release the handle on my end. I did not want this relationship to end and addressed the issue much satisfactorily. I feel good about that.
I'm not afraid of ticks or going outdoors. I refuse to allow fear to run my life anymore. I have a new regiment that includes tick checks, insect repellant and better hygienic practices.
I know not what tomorrow brings, but I ain't gonna worry about it.
I'm adopting healthier mental attitudes as well.
Since my medication disallows exposure to sunshine, I took Lady Abigail, my SUV, to the shaded cemetery and walked a bit till it became too hot. It's been around 90 the past couple of days.

What I notice most these past few days....calmness and absence of rush. I feel pretty darn pleasant, overall:)
Just wanted to share. Thanks for reading:)

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I understand Fatigue

Since I've come down with Lyme Disease, LD, I have finally realized what "fatigue" really means.
Without benefit of a looksee in Webster's, I'd like to try and define fatigue.
It's a physical heaviness, weariness, trepidation. It's a body-bone-muscle, purely physical tiredness where my body craves inertia and rest. Every movement has to be it worth the aftermath? The intensity of fatigue after the deed/ exertion is done? How hungry am I? Can it wait? What is quickest to grab and snarf down?
Most important is rest, strictly timed medication and fluids.
Hmmm, I went out in the yard and played, laid in the grass...listening to the birds, feeling the sun through the leaves, carefully examining blades of grass and blooms of colors. I desperately needed to be off the couch, outta bed and into natures soul and solace. I can only dirge four walks and television duo for so long before it makes me numb and crazy.
The insomnia is odd, as well...completely not of normal symptomology. My mind is always casually awake. I can drift off for small intervals of usually an hour or less. My normal dose of meds hastens not sleep. I don't fight the insomnia...just accepting it for what it is....a minor symptom of the LD that will abate soon.
Ahhh, I've started watching weird late night television, when holding a book is too much work. I've started watching "Breaking Bad"...quite strange, "Wilfred" even stranger, perplexing, a constant questionng of what reality Really is. That's about it. Mostly I lay and drift, resting my body on its way ack to health.
IDK...just felt like writing, sharing...Be Well

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Fun Lyme disease facts have got to be kidding me!
In 2009, the last year of completed statistics, in my home state of Michigan, according to the CDC, there were...81... Reported cases of Lyme the Entire State!
The odds of getting the disease is 1 in 18,100
If I had removed bad boy tick within the first twenty four hours, I'd probably not have the disease.
70-80 % of affected individuals, have a tell-tale bullseye rash. I fell in to the 30% with no rash.
I think I should start buying lottery tickets.
Sometimes...all afternoon, really, I think You are Fucking Kidding Me!

Friday, June 29, 2012

Lyme Disease...hmm, that explains things...but really?

I saw my doctor this Tuesday, a few days ago. I hadn't been feeling right. All my glands/ lymph nodes had swollen. I suddenly came down with some painful arthritis in my knees and other joints. I never get headaches, but I was getting them with frequency. I was tired a lot! Even in the morning, when I knew I was supposed to be up, I could barely drag my self out of bed. Everything hurt, ached and was sore.
So my Nurse Practitioner ordered some blood work. The test results came back today. She said I tested positive for Lyme Disease. Honestly, I know very little about Lyme. Seems there are some horror stories out there but most cases resolve completely, especially when diagnosed early, as mine was.
I pulled a tick off my belly about three to four weeks ago. I did not get the common ( in 70-80%) red ring rash.
I now know two people who had Lyme and they both fully recovered.
Please don't leave comments of fear or horror or worst case scenarios.
I started a three week course of antibiotics. I will be feeling better quite soon. I'm just really tired and want to get some rest.
Even with not feeling well, I have been quite busy and productive. I continued to get things/ chores done in and around the house. I pushed myself and kept telling myself, "Yeah, I don't feel well, but I can get this done...or I can fold clothes for five minutes and take a break." I don't quit and nothing can keep me down.
My body is a fighting machine. This is just a little piddley thingy compared to other stuff I have endured and triumphed over.
Maybe I was too busy this summer. It's just time to slow down a bit and take a well deserved, short break:)
Be Well, Smile:), Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Beautiful Audio and Video of the Tufted Titmouse

I tricked a tufted titmouse to come near by playing her song off my iPad. You hear two birds, as one is the computer.
Boy, this birdie looks so confused.
I was thrilled birdie came so close! To see him sing! Such a clear picture! Love it!!

Who do you tell that you have Aspergers?

I only found out about my Aspergers in the past five years or so. The most important people, that I shared my diagnosis with were:
My Partner of 18 years. She doesn't always understand or comprehend my challenges, but she is willing to learn and listen.
My children. As my Eldest is the one whose formal testing enlightened our family into the whole realm of Autusm Aspergers, I readily shared my Aspergers. My youngest, at eight years old, understands that momma has autism and that sometimes she has difficulty with social situations, being unable to verbalize and sometimes needs a lot of rest.
The rest of my extended family, parents, siblings and such, I am rather estranged from. They have heard it probably through the grapevine. Due to the lack if closeness, it didn't matter to me whether they knew or not.

My doctor/ nurse practitioner Needed to know. My autism causes me to have great difficulty relaying symptoms and putting words to how my body feels. I am forgetful. I am very sensitive to meds, so we often start with children's size doses. I sometimes have a delay in processing her questions, so she gives me time to answer. I audibly process slowly, at times, and I need things, instructions spoken repeatedly or even better, written down. Having a practitioner who understands my autism and it's challenges is vitally important.

Health Care Providers can help me more effectively, is they are aware of my autism. I talked to my optometrist, who doesn't think I look like Rainman, but he listens. It's important that he knows because with my eye exam, he asks multiple questions and I have that delay in understanding thingy going on. I frequently ask him to repeat his questions, often more than is this clearer or this? As he flips lenses.

Employers...I don't have an opinion on this topic, as I work for no one but myself. Each and every nt can be different in their understandings and opinions of an autistic employee.

At school. My grade school sons teachers need to know about my Aspergers. My slightly physically different, Younglink, requires me to interact and problem solve with his teachers due to his physical difference and....hmm, high energy nature. I feel it important that the teachers know that I'm not going to be the classroom volunteer mom...for anything. But I am always available to meet and talk about my son in the classroom.

My friends and neighbors. I like that they know because I have moments of high stress in which my autism sometimes breaks out. Nope, I'm not a drug addict in withdrawal and no, I don't have alcohol or psychiatric issues. It makes my life easier and it's easier to be me, walking around my yard, talking to myself and pointing to "fairies" in the air, at times.

This is my list of people who I am Glad know about my autism:)

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Learning to accept a kindness

I don't know if accepting and receiving a kindness, hand up or love comes naturally or not. Logic tells me that it is probably a necessary survival skill. But I heartily refused. I really haven't known how to accept and receive. See, in my dysfunctional family, and maybe with my autism, I learned that a kindness, in word or deed, was nothing more than an open and holding a small sharp knife.
If someone was nice to me, they wanted something. If there was a compliment, well, they only said that because they wanted one back or it was said to trick me. I had not a lot of trust or faith in those people's around me. I'm not being paranoid as I had ample examples and dozens of experiences to prove my distrust.
Hmm, so I never learned or found the mechanism that says, " I am being nice to you because you are a nice person, and I like you". I rarely found anyone genuine, who wanted to give to me, that didn't want something back. Scoundrels!
Now, in my forties, I am trying to learn this new thingy called accepting and receiving. Methinks my soul tells me that I was born into a world aflush with an abundance of love, kindness, energy and prosperity.
Hard to silence the mistrust, the experiences, the sinisters I mingles with for so long. It's difficult to change that visual of the open and concealing a weapon. Changing this old, deeply ingrained thought pattern is quite the challenge, I kid you not.
I believe life actually has some positives that it freely gives. I will e exploring this further.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Sinking Ships, friendships, relationships

If time and repitition are any indication, I sink ships, friend ships, relation ships, by opening my mouth and pouring forth truth. Things are very...different in my aspieworld, but I will surely tell you how I feel when need be. I don't believe in lies, half truths or sins of omission, which I believe are overly used and practiced in the outside. People grow up believing in hiding and holding everything in.
Well, I surely don't. But people frequently, can't handle what I say. My words, like my emotions, like who I am, are intense and highly charged.
I don't even know why I'm writing this...not sure where I am as of late. Shivering in a cloud of worry, senseless, unable to decide whether to walk in to the flames, ignore the heat or put it out.
Sometimes there is no such thing as free will. Times I think it would be most ideal to live alone, completely unplugged and disconnected.
Sometimes truth Is sad....she says as she realizes her recent happy respite was not reality and just a a small ray of sunshine in the ever present storm.
God sometimes I hate this life, this corner that I live in. I hate the feeling of being a child standing in times square during rush hour. Hate the lostness, out of place, invisible singularity feeling where to speak up would hurt someone else whilst I drown with the stone life jacket wrapped tightly round my neck.
Hate the return on anxiety, that little beastie that has completely disappeared only to return a small, constantly roaring lion cub that has grown in size, strength and ferocity right before my very eyes.the never ending growling of snake like shivers and quavers of fear and uncertainty. My temple of peace, she be shaking and I, I stand, hands in pocket, eyes cast downward....unable to decide...what to do. Been here before, hated it then also.
I got lost again. I strayed from the plateau, the pleasant valley...not sure when or if I can ever find my way back there.