So, it feels like I'm living in a circus and riding the front elephant. Some days are just like that.
I've spent a few hours cleaning out sticky memories, otherwise known as my personal bureau drawers. It's nice to realize that I have a choice regarding what papers and pictures to hold onto...and which ones need to be trashed. I filled two bags full of trash and one flat box of keeps.
There is another very full bag of clothes for the second hand store. Two boxes of goods sit by the door to the garage, just waiting to be discarded to the store, as well. Letting go of who I once was, or thought I Had to be. Downsizing, it's good for my health.
I received an invitation to a dear aunts nuptials. Oh, no chance in hell of me showing up but I feel really good about just getting invited. Grateful for the kindness of my aunt as I'm feeling quite invisible lately. I swear, a branch fell from the tree not more than three feet behind me, but, just maybe, it passed right through me. I may be joking but it is how I feel.
Therapy has been tumultuous. I feel like I'm sealed in a barrel without cushions, and perpetually rolling over Niagara Falls without a rudder. Unsettling and somewhat lost and distance these days, even though I've been engaging in tons more grounding activities each and every day.
I currently have use of a real bed. Boy, it sure is nice to sleep in. I don't know why I believed for do long that I couldn't ask for and receive a bed of my own...oh, wait...that's right..I have no self-esteem. I'd laugh but it's too damn bad. I've lived the life of sewer rat for so long, I'd be lost without the stench.
Being a mom has proven to be a dismal challenge. It's like drinking from a poisoned pond and hoping to not get sick...it's all about the odds. Yeah, that visual doesn't make much sense to me.
Trying to build a walkway from nothing but thin air and puffs of filthy smoke. Some days I wish I was high.
I'm amass if images as I seem to be a little slow on the verbalization party. When I can't articulate well, images and visions firm that I simply have to write down and record. The pictures tell the story, in my case.
I'm tired. Time for my annual checkup in a week or two. I'll talk to my nurse prac about meds for sleep. Having a drink or two seems to be the only way to calm down the circus in my head.
Thanks for reading
People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.
Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.
Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
So, it feels like I'm living in a circus and riding the front elephant. Some days are just like that.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
So many new activities, each one deserves a post of its own but here is a synapse.
I went horseback riding for the first time in over 2 years! I rode Miss Nana. Mary Horses schooled me in riding. It had been so long that I sincerely welcomed all her advice. I can't believe how much I had forgottrn. Riding was so much fun, exhilarating!!!
I also had the opportunity to play with 3 5-week old kittens. Yeah, I could have sat there and toyed with them all day long.
I took my Younglink fishing for the very first time in his life. He caught his first rock bass within 10 minutes of casting his line. He ended up catching 4 fish total and each was a respectable size. He loved it, as did I. Lol, I caught 2 perch. Each fish was about 4 inches long. I kept moving closer to where Younglink was fishing as he had the luck with him. I learned about waxworms which I hadn't ever used before. They are a lot cleaner than earthworms. I also took the fish off hooks without poking myself.
When we were fishing, a stray chocolate lab dog was making the rounds searching for love and food. We decided to bring her home until we can find her owners. She seems like an escapee more than an abandoned animal. We nicknamed her Ruby and she is a house dog. She understands commands and loves to be pet. I'm guessing a family misses her terribly, so I'll check with the local vets and shelter after the holiday. I couldn't stand the thought of her roaming lost, hungry and needing a temporary home. I'm optomistic we will locate her family soon.
Cleaning out my stuff is feeling very cathartic. How often does the opportunity present itself whereby you can start over and discard all the old baggage? Each bag I get rid of feels like a 50lb weight off my back.
At the Salvation Army Store, I paid it forward, giving my dollars change to the nice couple behind me. They were a couple of caring parents with an autistic daughter that they obviously loved very much. I needed to do something to lighten their load, if even just a tiny, wee bit. I slipped the money to the cashier with instructions and high tailed it out. I love paying it forward but I hate the idea of people catching me. It would ruin the whole thing if someone talked to me about it. I get so nervous thinking I'll get caught.
Fortune smiled upon me and I found a large bag of Legos cheap. Come to find out, there are three complete sets. Since all the pieces are there, I simply have to read the instructions and put them together. I can sell them for a handsome profit. The Lego series, Paradisa, I didn't recognize. Looking it up, the series was created way back in 1998 or so. It's vintage! What fun.
Lots of inner workings going on. New old stuff that I've become aware of. It's been a busy few days, inside and outside.
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Umm, I'm confused. Having never experienced the graphics before, I have no frame of reference and am, thus, perplexed. It's not a cartoon, never real time, but it kind of resembles both.
I can't place the landscape. It makes no sense like a jumbled ball of various wires.
Did I like it?
Did I hate it?
I can't say one way or another. It's beyond me.
Did I understand it? Not really, as everything proved to be unfamiliar. I have no base to compare it to.
Positive or Negative?
Hmmm, intriguing yet puzzling and it is hard to like something that you cannot comprehend.
Friday, May 27, 2016
And like most things, I take them very seriously. I'm kind of perturbed that my son sees fit to rip the hands, arms, legs and heads off the minifigures...and I'm hard pressed to find all the missing hands. Where the heck do they disappear to anyway?
I'm also upset that there are other toys, non-legos in my Lego bins. Worse yet, there are these things called Tyco that are cheap Lego wannabes. I detest them. Every time I sort bricks, I throw out handfuls of these fake crappy bricks. Argh!
Then there is the dust and cat hair I pick out. Some bricks need a good washing. Legos need to be cleaned and sorted, not tainted with dirt, dust and non-legos.
As I've mentioned, I'll be moving soon, so I have been emptying and cleaning out, figuring the bare minimum that I need to move on. Another big bag of clothes left the closet. Four bags, also, made it to goodwill this week.
When it all boils down, there is little that I require in my new place. Yeah, Legos be one of them.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
There comes a point where you realize that you are composed of 90% baggage. Then it's time to move on. When each wall, every street and each store houses memories of the old and decaying, you aren't living each day anew, you're just following the repetitive string of dead remembrances.
What we cling to, possession wise, inprisons us. My belongings keep me stuck, glued to the floor and engulfed with old memories. I don't want to live my life affixed to the familiar flotsam that covers the floors, rise up the walls and almost hit the ceiling.
My belongings are what I choose, consciously or subconsciously, to be. Looking around, I'm not liking what I see. Old ideas that I never completed and half finished projects that I've lost interest and direction in. Boxes upon crates of "I want to do this if i only had the time." It Is time to let all these things go. They aren't me...anymore.
I've given weight to holding on to old things and dumb ideas. The friends that have left...they are gone, honey. It's time to stop wishing and hoping they'll come back. It's time to stop second guessing and feeling bad for whatever things said or unsaid that may have caused them to leave. Recognize that it's a waste of time. They are gone. Let them go. Bury them. Lay flowers. Cry if you feel the need but definitely turn and walk away. Life is all about how to let go of the things we've grown attached to that are no longer in our best interest.
Everyone and everything is temporary. Things turn ugly, stale and fester when we try to hang on past the expiration date.
We find security in familiar things and pile them all around us. Things can't hurt us like people, can they? The more things, the less we feel. The less we need people to fill up those empty places in our lives.
Life is risky...especially when you decide to grow up and evolve out of the sameness and pseudo comfort of old things.
Life is an adventure if you can break out of the things and ideas you have molded around you.
I know some choose to smother and suffocate rather than change because I used to be that way. Then I found myself dying in the stagnant piles. No more. I choose to live by discarding and letting go of the old. Now, to pare down my belongings, those things that once owned me, so I can see and be myself without the excess baggage.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Monday, May 16, 2016
It's been many years since I've found a movie where the central character has Asperger's. This film gets 4 Aspie stars and ranks right up there with my favorite movie, Adam.
This is a film, based on the true story of Alan Turing, a mathematician and inventor. Saying much more regarding the plot would necessitate a spoiler alert, so I'll be mum on the storyline. In my opinion, the storyline is secondary to the main character and his blatant autism.
If you want to know what makes an autistic tick, or how an Aspie uniquely interacts, plays with others, this is the movie for you.
There is nothing covert or suggested as his autistic mannerisms are worn on his sleeve for all to see.
I loved this movie. Sure, it isn't all sunshine and roses but in an industry where autistic films are rare treats, this one takes the cake.
Check it out.
Tell me what you think.
Friday, May 13, 2016
I don't know how to put words to all the things going on in my head.
I do know there are many kind people in the world that do want to help.
I don't know what I need or what type of help I'm allowed or allotted to ask for.
I do know I've received great assistance at times.
I don't know how to speedily, easily pick out my clothes everyday.
I do know most days, it's raining on the inside.
I don't know the words to the emotions.
I do know I feel deeply
I do know I'm different.
I don't know how much I can change or if that's even a desire or possibility.
I do know each day is hard and difficulty.
I don't know how to make it ant easier.
Yeah, my use of verbage and wording just isn't normal, is it?
1) I don't know how to make friends and I never have. I am perplexed and oft jealous at the ease with which two people can become entwined in this twisted thing called friendship. Although I have experienced periodic, months long bouts of having a friend, the complex to and fro of words, phone calls, facial expressions and body language that goes into keeping two friends together, is completely lost on me.
I've studied books, formed mental algorithms, thoroughly tried to dissect each brief friendship I've partaken in but, I continue to be hopelessly confused and left out. At over half a century old, I don't know how much more time I want to devout to pursuing a rather hopeless condition. It just feels best to accept this fact at face value and to stop swimming against this strong tide. It is what it is.
I do know that I am a very dear, caring and loyal friend.
2) I don't know why my previous friends have left, most of them anyway. I fail to understand how non-autistics think. In trying to determine my failings or why others have left, these I have concluded, right or wrong, as I shall never know. (It can truly be maddening, you know...this perpetual unclear, foggy, no clear answer place that is a part of my life)
I guess that:
a) I'm overwhelming. Getting a friend once every year or two is like Christmas morning after living in a swamp. I get so uplifted, exuberant, ascending into this "happy place" and I love it there, and I know it will be brief. I know I will burn out the friendship, so it's like a rush, a race, to get as many answers to questions as fast as possible. It's like a lit match on a snowbank. It's like a junkie's high. I know it won't last so I use it up too fast. Maybe I become obsessive, I don't know, probably. Feeling good for a few weeks a year keeps me going. The remote possibility that I'll be able to connect with someone again, takes up more of my daydreams than I will ever publicly admit.
b) I don't know the criteria for texting or making a phone call or stopping over to say hi. I may not be calling enough, texting too much or not realize that I've been invited over.
c) I go on silent running, underground, into the bunker. My need for silence and rest can last for days or weeks. I can't continually explain this odd fact. It's complicated.
I do know that I respect the boundries. When ex-friends leave, I don't want to bother them anymore. I'll keep a respectable distance. I don't want to be around anyone that is uncomfortable around me. It's okay.
3) I don't know my place in this world. I don't know what a woman unable to work, who rarely leaves the house and contributes extremely little to the good of anyone, is doing here. What is my place? What is my purpose?
I do know that I have a rich and wealthy inner world.
4) I don't know if I have any value. This pretty much goes with #3, I guess.
I do know I need to increase my self-worth.
5) I don't know what others think of me. I'm not sure if I want to know. Sometimes, I just wish I knew what others saw in me.
I spend a lot of time in deep thought, wondering about these cray things. I wish I knew when to let dreams die, you know, the ones that will never come true.
It's frustrating, all this daily, incessant uncertainty. I'm a person that loves concrete answers....and they are nowhere to be found.
Maybe it's just me.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
I've decided on the word, Soloist, to designate that I am without extended family or many close friends.
It's a word that is readily interpreted correctly.
Being neutral, neither positive or negative, is what I was seeking.
I am not whole, nor am I lost...I'm simply walking alone with few stops along the way.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Straddling light and darkness
One minute here
The next minute there
With an iron, aberrant whip
Right hand feeds the left
The past reborn
Within next breathe
If the past
What shall the future hold?
Right hand held out
Waiting to receive
To take one step
Would be to
Acknowledge the last
Of decadent steps
That have led me
To this point
I don't stand
At the precipice
I am the abyss
I am the vast
Oh, how I wish that one could understand the precarious predicament that I currently face.
Seems like a riddle, yet it is all too clear.
No one can answer this...but me
At any second...my life will drastically change. Forgive me for trying to stand far back from the railing, arms crossed and hand rubbing chin.
It could be the best of times
It could be the worst of times
Change in a package without a bow
When words fail me, as they forever do, my mind switches back to its primal, visual program and how I feel, what I'm thinking, pops up in pictures, brief visions. Write the visions and the picture forms.
Clarity is either the bitch I hate or the one I take to bed
I'm in a funny, precarious place. Things hanging by strings await me with scissor in hand to collect them, they, the hanging things I cast away so long ago. They can't hurt me anymore, doesn't mean I want them in my pocket.
Do they bite? Or sting? I won't know unless I decide to touch them. I fear burning fingertips and lips aglow.
Good lord, is shit getting real
My journey, my path, my steps
I got this
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Yeah, it is hard to find the right thing to say, the right thing to do, most every day. Uncertainty is the only constant. To catch the run away horse or just let it go on it's merry way because it's better in the long run. And there is never a picture or clear idea of what this mythical long run is.
I'm just working on making it through the day. Can't worry too much about tomorrow. What if tomorrow never comes and I'm living one long dream where the sun never rises and the moon never sets?
It's not a fork in the round, it's a roulette wheel that never stops spinning. That's how it feels, never knowing if you are moving in the right or the wrong direction. That's what each day feels like. Being sick just means I can't escape this vise by different views. The windows all reveal the same old, same old. No clues. No new clues. The view never changes.
Monday, May 9, 2016
I found this very interesting, especially in reference to the differences between males and females. I agree with them, as my Aspie son never goes mute and has the taste traits they mention.
What do you think?
Syn- naive implies a genuine, innocent simplicity or lack of artificiality but sometimes connotes an almost foolish lack of worldly wisdom
So says Webster
I am naive. And I know it. One of the conundrums of Aspergers is an almost childlike innocence and way of looking at the world. I used to trust people, take them at face value, believe the words they said were literal and true...and I got hurt...a lot.
In my twenties and early thirties I found ways to protect myself and they weren't the most positive of virtues. I became suspicious, always looking for hidden meanings behind others actions. I learned to not trust what was being said because the actions rarely supported the words. I learned about masks that people wear, one for work, another for home, one for mom, one for friend.....but mostly, I learned to build walls...to separate even more from society because, quite frankly, I try and avoid pain.
I became the observer, the fly on the wall, watching, studying the words, movements and interactions around me.
Naivety is innocence. Be kind to the autistic. Remember that even though they look older, mature, grown up....sometimes they are nothing more than children trapped in adult bodies.
For the Aspie, the Auttie, be wary, but don't shut yourself off. I am physically old enough to say that there are many, many kind and caring NTs out there.
Things that helped me find the kind peoples: most NTs have patterns of behavior...if they yell and scream at their dog, they yell and scream at people; if they constantly put others down, whine a lot and are downright miserable, please, please walk away...don't try and rescue....rescuing is for the professionals, therapists, clergy; aim for hanging out with healthy people, those he are happy and content with themselves; avoid people who abuse substances and have a criminal history; don't make friends fast...take your time to get to know someone, find their patterns; trust your instincts...sometimes I meet someone for the first time and just feel like "ick" for no clear reason..I honor those inner feelings; ask someone You trust what they think about a new person you have recently meet...and listen to what they have to say.
You just have to be a little more cautious when you're Aspie. There are friendly, helpful and nice people's out there! I know, I have met many.
I have great admiration for those who are totally alone. The amount of willpower and self-affirming care that is needed each and every day is remarkable. Going through the motions and having nobody to tell you when you are doing right or a good job takes a special caliber of person. It's like navigating without a back-up guidance system. I believe that I would be a very different person, more self-confident, if I just had a stretch whereby someone believed, supported and pointed out all the positive, good things I do on a daily basis. I hate to admit that I might be a better person with someone else, a friend, a companion, or a cheerleader, but I probably would. Hmm, methinks to find such a person one might have to venture outside of the house and into seething crowds, lol. Yeah, embrace the anxiety and throw myself to the wolves.
I have to constantly tell myself positive affirmations. Harder still, I really need to start believing them. I think of the phrase "sticks and stones..." and how deeply words hurt me. I can only imagine the reverse is true and kind, caring words can deeply help me. One person, I just need one person to believe in me. One person to give a kind word, tell me I'm doing something write. Give me a compliment. Oy, hope this isn't sounding desperate or pathetic. Overall, I've been doing quite well on my own. Maybe I'm just pointing out the obvious but maybe it will enlighten those around us. It takes so little to brighten someone's day.
For clarity, whilst, I left most of my family years ago, I continue to have intermittent communication with cousins, brother and aunts. Maybe that disqualifies me, although I am not in constant or even monthly rapport with them. I guess if you feel Totally Alone, you qualify.
People like us, experience the world quite differently. Holidays, birthdays, weekends, common times where people draw together affect us on many levels. I can only guess that depression and sadness run deep in others like me, as well as a sense of insecurity and wonder at what the hell we are doing here. Somehow, we find enough value in ourselves to get through everyday and the tough holiday seasons.
Just venting and stating, I guess. I know I'm not alone in this phenomena.
Friday, May 6, 2016
First off, there was a new dental assistant. She was nice enough but she had a timid voice and looked just a wee bit nervous.
Second, when my dentist arrived, I could tell he wasn't in his usually really good moods. There was something different about his voice that betrayed that he wasn't having a great day. That made me nervous.
Third, the normal glaring headlight of a lamp had been replaced by a smaller, sleeker model that was attached to a microscope so the dentist could see clearer. Technology is nice but I found that the dentist didn't have as wide of a scope of vision, as his left hand kept hitting my teeth, irritating and I'd grab his wrist to tell him to move it a bit. The first time it happened, his hand was touching a part of my inner throat that was invasive, scary, triggering, I guess you could say. A little subtle panic started floating around beneath my surface.
I was having a chipped tooth bandaged. It was my first time for such a procedure so I was clueless as to the various steps they would employ. Each and every one of these points, were new and autistically troubling to me.
Fourth, I had to hold back tears as dentist explained the options and costs of having my one missing tooth replaced. I cant even smile without that space showing so I consider myself to have a broken smile. I had always wanted to not have a toothless grin. We had agreed to get it repaired a couple years ago, then the Lyme was flaring so I never got around to it. My loss. I don't know, maybe I can make some housing adjustments and sacrifices to get my toothy grin back. I don't tend to talk about things that bother me a lot cause it just makes it worse. It was majorly distressing to hear that bad news.
Fifth, the dental assistant kept having me bite on that darn bite film. Problem was, from my angle, I couldn't see when she was holding it, so I kept feeling lost and stupid. Why didn't she hold it up higher or tell me its time for the bite strip? Geez, I'm getting all stressed just writing about this. Good thing I'm drinking my laced orange juice.
Sixth, the drilling and sanding dental tools...well, they are annoying.
Seventh, the assistant wasn't good with her tools, the water sprayer and sucker. Just couldn't get it right for me.
Eighth, dentist highly recommended having a panoramic x-ray done to see if my missing tooth spot had enough bone growth and that my teeth hadn't started shifting. Yikes, darn crazy, grabbing machine. By this time I had asked and reasked the tech to give me the instructions one at a time and slowly. She complied very well. She had to have me make a bunch of minor adjustments. Then the damn machine lightly squeezed my head! Yeah, its a good thing I can keep my flaps and tics to myself for periods of time.
Nine, the whole time I saw my dentist, he had his mask on because he had a cold, hence his slightly off mood. Well, I had no idea how distressing it was to not be able to see some ones lips move while they are talking. Serious offense. It didn't sound like him and then no lips moving, I didn't know when he had finished a sentence and I could talk. To be honest, it was muchmuch harder to try and understand what he was saying, as well. Didn't know I'd be freaking out over masks.
Ten, at no charge for me, I had to have a pink gooey gross, gaggin impression done. The two most terrifying minutes of my hour long visit by far.
Eleven, just before I had the panoramic done, another way new thing, the dentist had to temporarily affix a small metal ball to the inside of my mouth behind the missing tooth spot for measurements. I asked them to explain it a couple different times but I just couldn't understand it. Once the ball was cemented in, it felt wayway weirdy.
See, I can flap and type at the same time.
Anyway, most dental visits are rather smooth "known" and not scary affairs. This one was a helluva bugger. Still destressing.
When another is within outstretched hand reach.
If only the cry of our hearts became audible sweet whispers.
Logic eludes, fails to feel
One head upon soft pillow
As a thousand other heads do the same
We cry for arms that
Never held us
Or that never will again.
It seems that we are locked in to the ideas of our own minds.
We are orphans,
Self-made heroes of unsung tales and stories.
We break the molds and suffer ourselves to grow.
I walk alone, but it not be in vain.
If I am true to me, I have not failed.
Those who say we must live for others are but poor fools.
I am loved, even when I am alone.
The walk of the solo sojourner is only for the brave.
No longer will I knock on doors that will not open.
I will know my beauty without ever seeing a mirror.
I will value myself even when penniless.
My footsteps, my path, my journey is my own.
No one can take that from me.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Feeling wanderlust and the need to travel and drive away, anywhere near. The weather is too nice to be indoors as I watch my piles increase in length, width and breadth. I decided to cut back my medication a bit and ob serve how I'm feeling. Life on Celexa is like a 4 x 4 garden with 3 inch floors covered by a pane of glass. Without Celexa, it's 4 foot high, brilliantly colored, oddly shaped creations.
Oh, I wanna art so bad yet I have 3 separate projects that require my attentions, that and the perfunctory phone calls and forms to fill out.
I've started riding a bike and made it once around the loop, no less! Specific leg muscles doth protest thus I take my turning wheels slowly and for meager bits of time. My speed and duration will surely increase albeit a snails pace, it be.
Hunger seems more regulated as does sleep.
My writing project is going along very well. Funny, I noted I get the same pangs of insecurity and "don't foul this up" when I go to write, same as when I start an art project. Oh, my heads swimming with art ideas but I must resort to cleaning my room and my aforementioned timely jobs primo.
I smile more these days.
Less TV and more outside these days. I'm looking at taking up fishing again. I spent many good days just floating on the water or standing upon a shore and casting lines. I miss it, that certain peacefulness. Hopeful very soon. Yay!