*Strong Adult Content. Highly Disturbing and Graphic.*
Incest-sexual intercourse between persons too closely related to marry
Incest, the very word frightens people. No one likes to think that an adult would deliberately rape a child, especially their own offspring.
My father repeatedly raped me from the time I was five years old. Dads favorite form of sexual assault was anal rape, which he forced on me from the time I was five until my teenage years.
When it started, dad described it as a "special kind of game" that only I could play with him. There were prizes and rewards based on my behavior and outcome. I was his favorite, his special one that could satisfy him sexually as my mother never could. It was all trickery, deceit and manipulation of my small child self. I had no idea that it was wrong or immoral as this was my father, a person, the only person whom I loved and trusted. Why would he betray me and lead me astray?
I was sworn to secrecy....under penalty of death.
Dad made his point by unmercifully killing my pets in front of me.
He routinely tied me up, held me down and forced himself into my fragile body. I had no resources to fight him off.
I learned to dissociate, to leave my body at will and to numb myself to the incredible pain.
If I resisted, I was physically injured with a hand at my throat or a hard slap to the side of my head.
I was forced to perform oral sex on him, repeatedly, weekly, from the time I was five. I was often rewarded with money or treats for my performance.
I repressed the memories of the rapes, the incest, as long as possible. I had to appear normal. In my twenties I finally broke down....and memories started rushing to the forefront.
I moved away and completely disconnected from my biological family, save an accusatory letter to them. My father viciously denied what he did. My mother always supports whatever dad says. My nine siblings sided with my dad, as well. They thought I was just making it up.
Would someone give me one,nsolid reason why a child would make up stories about being raped? There are no reasons. They were just protecting the sole breadwinner and trying to keep their good catholic name clean. They cared not for me. I get that. They were protecting themselves.
My father lives still. He and my mother babysit their grandchildren. All of my siblings are fully aware that I accuse my father of sexually raping me when I was young...yet they disbelieve me and put their own precious children within his reach. This frightens me. And angers me. If they fail to care about me, so be it, but do not tempt a child rapist....do not allow this egregious harm to happen again. The statute of limitations is up...and they refuse to listen and believe.
The Incest, repeated rapes from my father have left me with a shattered psyche and numerous ailments. It's hard to trust anyone. It's almost impossible to like and feel good about myself. I suffer from chronic depression, nightmares and insomnia. I am full of fear, pain and anxiety. I have spent over fourteen years in therapy trying to feel okay about myself.
In the telling, is the truth
In the remembering and releasing is the healing.
Incest has no power over me.
I will continue to shatter taboo and speak openly and freely about my fathers incestuous behaviors.
I am not ashamed for what was done to me, when I was young and completely powerless.
I carry not the blame or shame. For I am now,and always have been, Completely Innocent.
An adult who rapes a child is the lowest, most vile criminal.
My father walks free. He is not behind bars.
I am the one who bears the scars and wounds...
And I Will Not Keep Quiet
I Will Continue To Shatter The Silence With The Truth
And I Survived