Struggling to Go Outside

I want to go for a walk outside, specifically to collect wildflowers photos but, there are issues, people mostly. It is a weekend and there tends to be more of them walking and migrating about. I need to lower my anxiety level by careful planning to mitigate the unpleasantness. 

First, maybe I'll drive to the local park instead of walking. That will eliminate any sidewalk stranger nervousness.

Second, I can pick a park that I believe to be in less use today. The sky says much scattered rain, so most parks should be reduced due to that factor alone. I'm considering if the shorter park for only walkers might be less crowded than the larger park, a greater distance, that also caters to bicycles, horses, and typically, a whole lot of dogs. Since the aggressive dog incidents times 2, a year or two or three ago, that particular park tends to raise anxiety whenever it's thought about and whenever I am there and see any dog, especially larger ones. (The smaller ones I worry about less as they are "kickable" like a football if they attack. I say that with only half a jest and I own a wonderful small dog that I love enormously.) Yes, I fear attack there and have to "armor up" mentally, emotionally if I go there but, ah, it is so beautiful there and I do wonder what the wildflowers say and think that may currently be blooming there.

Decisions...

The rain is a factor. My tennis shoes may get wet. I have no "rain off" waterproof shoes. Wet socks can make me highly unpleasant and extremely uncomfortable but I have been in the house too much much. My physical corporeal being strongly wishes, nay, requires movement.

Conundrum after Conundrum, the wheel of life erratically spins, slows down and throws me off on occasion to deal with enclosed recesses filled with wild, toothy beasts and surmountable problems to mill through and climb.

Dilemma....

If I do go out for a walk, if I actually venture out that far, a reward is in order either a welcome treat of a big coffee or a sidetrip to a thrift store with a 10$ reward fee. There, I have sweetened the pot, as it were. Time to get ready to go out that big red door into the wilds of life outside my tiny, amazing and safe fortress.

Spring is being unpleasant, unfortunate

I can't remember a winter seasonal transition more unpleasant and challenging than this one. Maybe it has to do with it being my 69th year on this continent. The years have taken a toll on my ability to adjust and flex and roll with the massive changes, in every external corner of my environment. 

The wind proves the largest and most consistent nemesis. My curtains stay closed anytime the leaves tremble and twitch enough to cause dizziness and discomfort, which is proving to be 80% of the days when it's daylight.

At night, minus sunlight, I've adjusted my usual sleeping position so that I am far from windows, ensconced in a fortified field of blankets and pillows.

I welcome the rain. It cannot rain too much for me. The cold that accompanied this mornings rain prompts me to curtail my anticipated excursion to the post office, coffee shop and cemetery adventure. No shower either. I can't imagine being cold times two. All of today's plans are scrapped. I only want couch, comfort, blankets and sci-fi. I have yearnings for football, too, but am unable to pilfer through the tangles of streaming channels and such. One simple thing, a place to turn to in order to watch past nfl games is a monumental and, unfortunately, an impossible task.

I find this event, this searching for a certain tv event, one of the few times I wish there was someone who could help me. Ah, the seemingly little things that mean so much.

Exhaustion continues with erratic moments of having enough energy to get up to complete a small task.

This is Me, venting hopefully, rather than complaining about things I'm unable to change.

Tolerance to the external is low. Hibernation and hide, is high.

I just don't know what to do. Seriously

I don't know how to structure my day with what actually needs to be done, what can wait, doing what I feel like doing, what is necessary, what I must do, how do I want to spend my days, how long can I let the dishes sit, how uncomfortable do I have to be to break into the bank and buy food if I already have some food on hand.

Do I continue to eat the frozen leftovers until they are near completely gone before I buy more food? Do I really need to go for a walk or do I want to or do I feel too tired or really just want to avoid people?

Should I accept my disability check and not try and work to make supplemental income? If so, to what degree? How many hours and how much effort should I put into that?

Cleaning. I'm going through everything in the spare oom and deciding what to sell, give away, throw away and keep. For how many hours shall I do this each day.

No job. No school. No children. No responsibilities to anyone.

I have all these hours. I've always believed in being the highest productivity as possible. Do I get time off? A day of rest? How much and how long?

I find these many hours a conundrum of possibilities and confusion.

There are no clear and definite answers as so much depends on my current wants and energy level.

No one can ever answer these questions for me.

How shall I spend my next hour, dishes, map making, reading, writing, baking, chores, resting? 

There are no answers, only open questions.