I'm still in shutdown. My body is heavily exhausted but my mind is restless, thus I lay here and write.
I've learned and observed a number of things, this past week, that I don't want to forget. I hope to expound more on these at a near future point.
My mind is constantly turned on, hence my difficulty in sleeping and being fully present. It's like standing on the shore and constantly pulling on a thick rope...attached to that ship you just know is on the end of the line, just beyond the horizon. You never stop pulling, tugging, struggling to reach ....something. If I were to put the rope down...I would be lost, confused and aimless.
Aspies spend large amounts of time trying to put words to feelings, sensations and experiences that most people don't have and have never been written or spoken aloud except in muted, obscure terms amongst Aspies themselves.
We talk and ask questions as if we were foreigners. We are simpletons here, appear brilliant and resplendent, intelligent and wise, yet....we don't understand what a salad fork is for, or why are there holidays, or social customs, that can hurt us like handshakes and chitchat.
We make up our own language to describe the intensity of how we feel. Dark means standard nighttime. Darkdark means scarey double dark. Veryvery means twice as intense as very. Realreal means real without a doubt. Your words are simply too lame, tame and obtuse.....so we make our own, not in vanity but in our truth.
Confusion makes up the better part of our day and contributes to ongoing frustration within, with the outside. The problem isn't when we are alone..,it's mostly when we interact outside of ourselves. It's quite a hefty barrier between the nt and my autistic self. What works best is if both parties willingly and with Great effort attempt to work together and try and understand the other.
We are hopelessly naive and trusting, at times. We mistakenly believe that others, nts, share the same intense honest we have within our Aspie selves. But it is far from true. Aspies frequently imply a strict...higher standard, if you will of morals and ethics.
Aspies can be "rescuers", altruistic ambassadors of the highest order. If I see someone without a coat, I immediately give them mine. I see a person without shoes...I give them mine. I see a person in ripped, dirty shirt...well...you get the picture. Pretty soon, I'm standing there naked.
It's a strong compulsion, a deeply felt desire to save the world from the pain of hunger, poverty, addiction, homelessness and even there own stupidity. And it's hard to...turn away..stop trying to help everyone.
It can feel hopeless....when you have known the pangs of hunger...and you want no one else to ever feel a hint of the intensity of That despair.
I've been hungry. I've been physically beaten. I've been molested. I've been very poor. I've had days where I wasn't sure where I'd be living or sleeping the next night. I've felt the aloneness so deep and dark...of being an orphan, a vagabond in a strange city of strangers. I've had nowhere to turn...nowhere to go...no one who gave a shit...days where I was sure no one knew or cared I was alive. I've been locked and trapped in the screaming silence of incest and in the mute confusion of autism.
Look at me now!
Problem is....I can see others pain..the pains I have personally exerienced..I can see in others. I see the children who are starving for love and food. I see the ones who are hit...and the ones where daddy does bad shit. I see the adults.....who carry their grief and pain like dragging bloody bandages trailing behind them. And I turn away. And I can not help them....the pain of knowing another's pain....
People wonder why I avoid eye contact. It hurts to see pain, silly.
I live within my unique world of autism.
Just felt like sharing some shit.
Be well.
Be nice to yourself.
Why can't people see that they are beautiful?
