Meltdown
"You come from far away
With pictures in your eyes"
Unexpectedly, I was put in a situation that caused me great internal strife. Couldn't figure out what I was supposed to say, how to escape, how to stop the verbal barrage...
"Of coffee shops and morning streets
In the blue and silent sunrise"
And this...person, would not shut the fuck up.
Then she realized I was upset. Asked what was going on. Wanted to take me to another room, away from my highly distressed son, and Talk Some More.
How can I make these fucking idiots realize that there comes a point in which words become flaming weapons of hurt?
At these times, I have to, have to, for my own safety and protection, figuratively Slam the Door, shut them out, pretend they have disappeared off the face of the earth because The Words Hurt Too Much! In the interest of stopping pain, I run. I'm a runner. When stuck, stymied, on the verge of uncontrollable emotion, I drop everything and I Run.
I slammed the door.
And then she tried calling me at the house.
I cannot deal anymore. I refused to "pick up and deal" because I cannot!!
"But night is the cathedral
Where we recognize the sign
We strangers know each other now
As part of the whole design"
I feel like a bird without wings, completely useless to fly outside. Do you think, if others knew....how precarious and fragile the autistic survivor is.....that they might hold me up? Off the damp ground? And help me find my wings?
Do you think that they might look, before they throw the match?
Because once I'm lit baby, once I start to crumble and melt, it's easily hours and days before I can find my feet and open the door and step out again.
Forgive them, for they know not how easily we hurt.
"Oh, hold me like a baby
That will not fall asleep
Curl me up inside you
And let me hear you through the heat"
They don't realize the toll of this everyday existence. They are clueless to the strategies, planning, maneuvers, strife and electrified wire we must cross to make it through this minefield.
Why is solace easily found alone? And what of comfort? Can an Aspie find comfort in someone else's arms? Can a survivor? Others are so complex, manipulative and they talk too damn much.
"You are the jester
Of this courtyard
With a smile
Like a girls"
I keep thinking if I arrange the pillows and blankets just right...maybe it will feel like someone is holding me, comforting me.
"Distracted by the women
With the dimples and the curls"
And there is comfort in music. In the warm, mystical lyrics and rhythms of Suzanne Vega:)
"By the pretty and the mischievous
By the timid and the blessed
By the bowing skirts of ladies
Who promise to gather you to their breast"
I'm guessing many have favorite songs that offer some relief. That allow one to drift to soft visions and away from the pain.
"Oh, hold me like a baby
That will not fall asleep
Curl me up inside you
And let me hear you through the heat"
My faults, weaknesses are showing, like a slip showing, or toilet paper stuck to my shoe.
I hadn't cried in front of this person before. Can't fathom meeting her again face-to-face. Can't even deal with the thought of speaking to her.
Know what? I Don't Have To
Yup, I care about myself enough to avoid any further deep distress.
"You have hands of raining water
And that earring in your ear
The wisdom on your face
Denies the number of your years
With the fingers of the potter
And the laughing of the fool
The arranger of disorder
With your strange and simple rules
Yes now I've met me another spinner
Of strange and gauzy threads
With a long and slender body
And a bump upon the head"
Wow, didn't realize how exceptionally well this song fits.
"Oh, hold me like a baby
That will not fall asleep.....
Thanks Suzanne
Hi Lis
Maybe tomorrow will be even a bit better
