Teardrops

I hate giving and receiving gifts

Gift giving is overrated, highly stressful, embarrassing and something to be avoided whenever possible. It is a social custom that stymies and bothers me.
First off, the social protocols are not well defined. Who receives a gift, subject matter and price range is highly individualized. Determining what an individual perceives of as a "wanted gift" is akin to rolling the dice and hoping for the best.
I have given gifts that caused another to do the prefunctionary mumbled, "thank you", where upon said gift vanishes into obscurity in a closet, drawer, trash or local thrift store.
The amount of thought, I put into selecting a gift, has proven to be time consuming and pretty much useless. I can't count how many gifts live in this house that were never wanted or appreciated....so, I stopped giving gifts. Problem solved.
Then, but of course, I'm met with the childlike disappointment of others who feel...less important or valued because I failed to buy the right number and type of gifts indicated by some obscure mental tally in their head.
Gift giving is not a simple, easy thing.
Receiving gifts is mostly an on-the-spot exercise in how quickly I can pretend to be grateful whilst processing the meaning of the gift; it's intent and the prefunctionary, oh my gosh, did I give a gift of equal value? I feel my reactions are watched acutely, which is horrid anyway. I'm trying to figure out how the gift giver would like me to react....and then, depending on the item, after a few days processing, I figure out whether I like it, will ever use it, want to keep it or throw it out.
It's simply too much thinking and figuring out. It is big stress with huge uncertainty on both sides. My blood pressure rises just writing about it and I feel I need a stiff drink and a toke.
Autism and gift giving...I don't wanna

Composing Haiku

Composing haiku is about awareness to the subtle, dramatic, details in our everyday lives.
It slows me down, entices me to pick a solitary subject, use a syllabic arrangement that starts off in one vein and suddenly turns into another.
I find writing haiku calms my mind and brings me into a more awake and aware state of being.
It's like a meditation of sorts. Highly theraputic.

Micropoetry

Shhhhhh

Do not touch my stuff

I can go from normal to rainman, in the blink of an eye, especially when a stranger touches a personal item.
Feeling highly autistic these days. Had a bad experience at the checkout today. The clerk was "helping me" by taking my license out of my wallet, that lay on the counter, as I wrote a check.
I quickly flipped out. Asked her, "I'm autistic, please don't do that." She immediately backed off, but the damage was done. I think I need to go get a new wallet.
I figured out that I need a separate hard plastic case, like they use for trading cards, and put my license in that. This way, I can hand over my license and change the plastic sleeve, as I see fit.
  Argh, I feel so violated.

Asking Questions

I probably have over a thousand questions, that I will never find answers to, because I cannot format and articulate the question in a way that will procure an answer.
  At times, I feel it is the saddest, most frustrating part about having Aspergers. I have so many questions...if I could just find the right words and correct sentence structure And a person that I could trust not to laugh and make fun of me.
It makes me incredibly sad really, that something so simple for most, is near impossible for me. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent searching on the internet with useless terms and best guesses before I figured out what I was actually seeking.
I've seen the responses, all my life, where I'd ask a simple, naive question and the recipient just laughed, rolled her eyes or thought I was joking. And it's like, I have to pretend that I'm okay with that...not asking questions, not completely understanding the people, customs and routines around me.
I guess I'd rather be thought of as aloof and keep my mouth shut, than a stupid idiot and ask juvenile questions.
It's like, everyone has this book with answers, but me...and I can't figure out how to convince someone to look up the answers for me.
I cannot convey the largess of this conundrum...but this is a start.