Painting by John Millais
I've been having great difficulty falling asleep before 4 am. My body exhibits all the symptoms of tiredness and lethargy, yet my mind is as agile as a Spring day.
I tend to wander about the house. Is it frustration? Am I searching or in need of something, someone, a certain word or feeling?
Am I finding no peace, unsettled with myself? Am I trying to solve a mystery?
I tend to snack frequently and food tastes better in the dark...well, chocolate does anyway.
I feel no fear, nothing scary going on. I'm restless. Tossing and turning to the point where I throw myself off the couch and pace and wander...hoping to calm my active, racing mind.
I feel unobssessed. Nothing particular is bothering me. Oh, I replay therapy, scenarios, art projects. Mostly I'm challenged to slow down and still myself, inside.
Nothing going on...above the surface...but I'm thirsty, I want something and I have no idea what that something is.
I'm not quite comfortable to sleep, like I'm displaced. Maybe I'm just distressed in some subconscious way. Maybe I'm fitting pieces together from opposing sides. Maybe I'm feeding a very old and distant hunger.
I replay therapy because it's this homey, strange place where I'm me and the things said and done are worthy of replaying over and over and over so I comprehend. Therapy and dreams are the only places where I'm heard, it makes sense, and I am free to be me...well, those places and nightime, that is.
It's safe at night. Maybe I simply need more of that freedom right now.
