So I found myself flipping channels and landed on this new, SyFy show called Alphas. Immediately, I was transfixed by this young guy who talked as pie and was full of gestures. Yes! He turned out to be autistic.
The storyline was okay and yes, I enjoyed the chick who could see energy and the other one who could talk people into things but far and away, I liked the autistic character.
I couldn't even tell you his name or what part he played in the investigation....I just wanted to watch him move in that very cool autistic way. It is sooo fascinating to see on the screen, someone who, albeit an actor, displays characteristics of myself. It must be akin to how my little guy feels when he interacts with someone else born with one hands. It's a kinship, a recognition, a sense that you are not alone or the only one who is a bit....different. The show delighted me. I plan on checking it out every Monday night at ten pm, no matter the storyline or plot. I just want to watch the very, very cool autistic guy!!!!!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Silent Running, I'm Autistic not Broken
"Walking with non-moving lips", would be a more apt title.
I stand on my fence, hand in pocket, hand combing hair purveying the two Vastly, Vastly different worlds.
My home, my instinctual, casual comfy place...is quiet, solitary, all encompassing, inherited, free of gadgets and others. It's my natural state of being that requires no effort, no work, no stress nor modifications to my behavior. In my world, on my planet, I am the most perfect of beings Exactly as I am. If I step one foot, one little, tiny toe into your world, outside of myself, walls and defenses leap into place and the modifiers, the censors all come online and I go to high alert, strategizing and figuring out how to get through or move around obstacle after barrier after barbed wire. I twist and I duck, I run, I leap, I dash, I throw on more armor, start sweating too much, feel faint, fall down, regroup, struggle to my knees, pray to God, and grab my lance and shield yet again.
I am so fucking tired of this shit....how I have to struggle and fight each fucking day. I'm tired. It's like there is this constant, endless game going on and I have to continually be awake, aware and move my pieces right. I'm so fucking tired of this. Head hangs, somber and contrite.
Choosing between comfort and battle...between home and hostility...go figure, which I choose.
This game does not end...not ever...just somedays my equipment works better than others or my moves are a little smoother or....or I take a bow, a powder, take care of myself...stop fighting and figuring and...some would say hide...I say self-preserve or stay comfortable. It's not a retreat.....sometimes I just want to be off the battlefield.
If I Dont compare myself to others, I do just fine. If I am not forced to interact, even better.
Since when is it wrong to just want to be what one inherently is? I'm not a defect, a disability, a needy, problem child. I am none of those things....unless I step into your world.
I am perfect...absolutely beautiful and perfection itself. But no one can see it...no one can ever see it....only me. To me, I am just right.
This is who I am, no faults, changes or tweaks required
I stand on my fence, hand in pocket, hand combing hair purveying the two Vastly, Vastly different worlds.
My home, my instinctual, casual comfy place...is quiet, solitary, all encompassing, inherited, free of gadgets and others. It's my natural state of being that requires no effort, no work, no stress nor modifications to my behavior. In my world, on my planet, I am the most perfect of beings Exactly as I am. If I step one foot, one little, tiny toe into your world, outside of myself, walls and defenses leap into place and the modifiers, the censors all come online and I go to high alert, strategizing and figuring out how to get through or move around obstacle after barrier after barbed wire. I twist and I duck, I run, I leap, I dash, I throw on more armor, start sweating too much, feel faint, fall down, regroup, struggle to my knees, pray to God, and grab my lance and shield yet again.
I am so fucking tired of this shit....how I have to struggle and fight each fucking day. I'm tired. It's like there is this constant, endless game going on and I have to continually be awake, aware and move my pieces right. I'm so fucking tired of this. Head hangs, somber and contrite.
Choosing between comfort and battle...between home and hostility...go figure, which I choose.
This game does not end...not ever...just somedays my equipment works better than others or my moves are a little smoother or....or I take a bow, a powder, take care of myself...stop fighting and figuring and...some would say hide...I say self-preserve or stay comfortable. It's not a retreat.....sometimes I just want to be off the battlefield.
If I Dont compare myself to others, I do just fine. If I am not forced to interact, even better.
Since when is it wrong to just want to be what one inherently is? I'm not a defect, a disability, a needy, problem child. I am none of those things....unless I step into your world.
I am perfect...absolutely beautiful and perfection itself. But no one can see it...no one can ever see it....only me. To me, I am just right.
This is who I am, no faults, changes or tweaks required
Monday, July 4, 2011
I Don't Hear so Good...verbal processing, aspergers, autism
Today was spent sequestered...walking around in last nights jammies, head in the clouds, the fog, the myth. Once again, I am startled into the submissive realization that I am different...I am autistic.
I have been playing and replaying the Lord of the Rings movies. I enjoyed them and decided to turn on the written subtitles. I...was astounded. I obviously have a serious hearing processing deficit as most of the written subtitles, the vast majority of the dialog and the real names of all the characters save Frodo and the indistinguishable Merry and Pip were all very new to me. I would wager about 90% of the words were new...even though I had seen each movie half a dozen times.
I continue to be rather, no make that very, stunned by this awareness. I'm not you...I'm nothing like you. An Alien Moment, again.
Thoughts rumble and tumble, shift and twirl by the censors. Just say it.
I don't know why I belong here amongst such a strange breed. I don't know why I bother with conversation or verbalizations.
Listening and verbal processing never came natural to me. It was a tough-fought learned mannerism.
When someone talks to me, here is how it goes. In person, I hear muted sound of various intensity...if I can watch a persons lips move I am given Huge clues as to what the actual words are. The lips give the sounds body and form. Then the sounds travel to my ears, bounce off one wall, where they become even more solid and formed, then they bounce off another, becoming clearer and finally, the words go round and round, a circular room inside my head, where they slow down to the point that I can read them. I read verbal speech in order to comprehend what is being said to me.
Phone calls, well...that's a challenge as I have no lip clues and I stress out and fly by the seat of my pants in trying to understand what is said.
I...store information from people that I talk with. When my Partner talks...well, this is usual what she says, how she says it and what it usually means. 17 years is a good amount of time in order to learn someone's speech patterns and rhythms. Family and friends are the same way...I draw upon the remembrances, the mental files in my possession to engage conversation appropriately.
Now, give me a brand new person, whom I have never met before and the whole ballgame changes. I become supremely focused on this one person and watch their lips, mannerisms, play and replay each word, phrase, sentence so I can figure it out.
I avoid new people, go figure, too damn much work. Work and effort equals stress. Stress is tension. I don't care for tension.
As I sat and talked for three hours with my friend from years ago, it struck me how unstressed I was. We understood each others patterns with comfort. I didn't need to work or strain...our conversation simply flowed.
I'm learning. When I am with someone and come home and feel the need to destress or I'm physically and mentally exhausted...well, that's really not someone that is healthy for me.
Each day is different. Today was a zero processing day whereby I wasn't up to processing any conversations at all. I engaged no one, played no wordy lyrics...I needed just to be down. Other days, I seek people out. It varies.
If my movie watching skills are any indication, I miss at least half of what is said to me...at least. Why bother? I have always thought talking was overrated. If I cannot capture the words, it's like ping pong balls rolling around and bouncing...just obnoxious, frustrating noise.
I frequently ask people to repeat things and spell new words for me. Frustrating. Back to my old adage of shut up, take a step back and take it easy...this daily stuff is just a bitch.
Enough already. I admire non-moving lips. I enjoy the absence of stress of nonVerbalism...it is a religion onto itself. You wouldn't understand. I am nothing like you
I have been playing and replaying the Lord of the Rings movies. I enjoyed them and decided to turn on the written subtitles. I...was astounded. I obviously have a serious hearing processing deficit as most of the written subtitles, the vast majority of the dialog and the real names of all the characters save Frodo and the indistinguishable Merry and Pip were all very new to me. I would wager about 90% of the words were new...even though I had seen each movie half a dozen times.
I continue to be rather, no make that very, stunned by this awareness. I'm not you...I'm nothing like you. An Alien Moment, again.
Thoughts rumble and tumble, shift and twirl by the censors. Just say it.
I don't know why I belong here amongst such a strange breed. I don't know why I bother with conversation or verbalizations.
Listening and verbal processing never came natural to me. It was a tough-fought learned mannerism.
When someone talks to me, here is how it goes. In person, I hear muted sound of various intensity...if I can watch a persons lips move I am given Huge clues as to what the actual words are. The lips give the sounds body and form. Then the sounds travel to my ears, bounce off one wall, where they become even more solid and formed, then they bounce off another, becoming clearer and finally, the words go round and round, a circular room inside my head, where they slow down to the point that I can read them. I read verbal speech in order to comprehend what is being said to me.
Phone calls, well...that's a challenge as I have no lip clues and I stress out and fly by the seat of my pants in trying to understand what is said.
I...store information from people that I talk with. When my Partner talks...well, this is usual what she says, how she says it and what it usually means. 17 years is a good amount of time in order to learn someone's speech patterns and rhythms. Family and friends are the same way...I draw upon the remembrances, the mental files in my possession to engage conversation appropriately.
Now, give me a brand new person, whom I have never met before and the whole ballgame changes. I become supremely focused on this one person and watch their lips, mannerisms, play and replay each word, phrase, sentence so I can figure it out.
I avoid new people, go figure, too damn much work. Work and effort equals stress. Stress is tension. I don't care for tension.
As I sat and talked for three hours with my friend from years ago, it struck me how unstressed I was. We understood each others patterns with comfort. I didn't need to work or strain...our conversation simply flowed.
I'm learning. When I am with someone and come home and feel the need to destress or I'm physically and mentally exhausted...well, that's really not someone that is healthy for me.
Each day is different. Today was a zero processing day whereby I wasn't up to processing any conversations at all. I engaged no one, played no wordy lyrics...I needed just to be down. Other days, I seek people out. It varies.
If my movie watching skills are any indication, I miss at least half of what is said to me...at least. Why bother? I have always thought talking was overrated. If I cannot capture the words, it's like ping pong balls rolling around and bouncing...just obnoxious, frustrating noise.
I frequently ask people to repeat things and spell new words for me. Frustrating. Back to my old adage of shut up, take a step back and take it easy...this daily stuff is just a bitch.
Enough already. I admire non-moving lips. I enjoy the absence of stress of nonVerbalism...it is a religion onto itself. You wouldn't understand. I am nothing like you
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