Silent Running, I'm Autistic not Broken

"Walking with non-moving lips", would be a more apt title.
I stand on my fence, hand in pocket, hand combing hair purveying the two Vastly, Vastly different worlds.
My home, my instinctual, casual comfy place...is quiet, solitary, all encompassing, inherited, free of gadgets and others. It's my natural state of being that requires no effort, no work, no stress nor modifications to my behavior. In my world, on my planet, I am the most perfect of beings Exactly as I am. If I step one foot, one little, tiny toe into your world, outside of myself, walls and defenses leap into place and the modifiers, the censors all come online and I go to high alert, strategizing and figuring out how to get through or move around obstacle after barrier after barbed wire. I twist and I duck, I run, I leap, I dash, I throw on more armor, start sweating too much, feel faint, fall down, regroup, struggle to my knees, pray to God, and grab my lance and shield yet again.
I am so fucking tired of this shit....how I have to struggle and fight each fucking day. I'm tired. It's like there is this constant, endless game going on and I have to continually be awake, aware and move my pieces right. I'm so fucking tired of this. Head hangs, somber and contrite.
Choosing between comfort and battle...between home and hostility...go figure, which I choose.
This game does not end...not ever...just somedays my equipment works better than others or my moves are a little smoother or....or I take a bow, a powder, take care of myself...stop fighting and figuring and...some would say hide...I say self-preserve or stay comfortable. It's not a retreat.....sometimes I just want to be off the battlefield.
If I Dont compare myself to others, I do just fine. If I am not forced to interact, even better.
Since when is it wrong to just want to be what one inherently is? I'm not a defect, a disability, a needy, problem child. I am none of those things....unless I step into your world.
I am perfect...absolutely beautiful and perfection itself. But no one can see it...no one can ever see it....only me. To me, I am just right.
This is who I am, no faults, changes or tweaks required

The Dichotomy of Aspergers

Lately, I have come to realize why it feels that I live in a bipolar quandary of consternation. Aspergers seems to be a living, breathing dichotomy of contradiction. Allow me to illustrate my point.
I often appear aloof and distant yet am extremely sensitive and deeply and intimately in touch with my emotional state.
I try and be the most strategically prepared for any event yet frequently exhibit no impulse control. I thoroughly explore every aspect of an upcoming conversation yet have been known to blurt out rude and inappropriate remarks.
I can become completely and supremely focused and knowldegable on one singular, obscure subject which few can comprehend yet I have difficulty figuring out what to cook for dinner. And you don't even want to know how long it takes me to figure out what to dress myself in each day or how I have to set alarm clocks all over my house to remember to be alert to when my kid gets off the bus or when someone is stopping over or when I have to leave to do something on time. And there is the plethora of sticky notes throughout my house in order to remember to do this or that and set this appt and cancel that subscription. Yup, still the dumbest smart person you will ever know.
I am quite aware of some of my physical tics yet can also forget about others personal space and have startled many a friend or acquaintance with completely unexpected physical contact. OMG, my poor friend...she came up behind me at school and I hadn't seen her in weeks and when I turned and saw her, I was overjoyed and grasped her in a huge hug completely forgetting that she is not a touch person. Thank the good Lord she just smiled and was not offended. Trust me, it happens a lot. And most of the time, I am at a complete loss as to being able to control myself.
Its as if I am always hungry yet have no clue what to eat. Indecisive. Impulsive. Befuddled.
I crave solitude but fear being alone. I mean, comeon...how does one make any sense of that?
I push people away and lock the doors but I also beg for them to knock.
There is a reason I sit and ponder and have no clue as to which direction to take. And I think...that I have always pretty much lived in this state.

I want people to talk softly yet I fly off my handle and can launch into loud, obnoxious tirades.
I acknowledge my emotional side yet can easily tromp all over someone elses.
I am forever trying to protect myself yet invade others boundaries.
Thoughtful and thoughtless. Heavily controlled, regulated but prone to impulsive outbursts/ outpourings. Very intense and completely subdued and malleable. How does one reckon? How can one accept that their world is such a dichotomy? That black is right but so is white? I am the pot calling the kettle black. Its hard to....accept that this is just who I am.
Sometimes Aspergers isn't easy to live with. Somehow I need to find some peace among these pieces:)

I'm Not Autistic, I Have Aspergers

I have never really been comfortable saying that I am Autistic. For some reason, in my head, I have Only had Aspegers and "mild autism". Autism denotes Rainman and Aspergers is Bill Gates and Einstein. I didn't want to be in the former group.
So, I went to this conference a couple weeks ago...you may have heard about it. Anyway, it kindof slowly dawned on me that, yes, I am autistic. And, if you have noticed, a number of my posts now group both together both words Autism, Aspergers. Its a not-so-subtle attempt to wrap my brain around the moniker.
I used to think, that I had "sporadic" or "intermittent" autism in that I only really considered my self an Aussie when I got emotional and lost control of what my body was doing or had serious verbal issues.
Yeah, having lived with my...unique way of thinking and doing things, I just considered myself to be an oddball, eccentric and a wee bit strange with some comorbid PTSD, anxiety and phobias. Okay, so the comorbidities are Part of my Autism...I get it, now. And Aspergers is one part of the multi-faceted autism spectrum which covers a very wide range.
I cannot have Aspergers without being autistic. Starting to get it.

In many ways, if I were to dwell and look back, behind me at the past...I actually feel...better about having the autistic label then the mental illness, schizo disorder, manic-depressive, and other mental illnesses that I have worn, periodically, throughout my years.
Autism somehow, implies that I am okay just the way I am. I am no longer "damaged goods" or worse yet, someone who is acting out in erratic and uncontrolled ways in an attention seeking ploy and faking and pretending.
Man, I have been sooo hard on myself. Attribute it to my intelligence and strong logic, but I could find no "sane" reason as to why my emotions, my verbalizing and my body movements were sporadically completely out-of-my-control. It made no logical sense and I thought I had some strange and warped subconscious thinking going on that was causing me to "act out". Seriously, I beat myself up unrelentingly and vehemently for my autistic behaviors and mannerisms, because I did not know I was autistic. I cannot impress enough how deeply troubling and extremely frustrating it is to be aware of ones own words (or lack thereof), emotions and physical body completely run amok and have absolutely no control..whatsoever of ones own actions. To say it is truly agonizingly frustrating is a severe understatement and I would wish such a malady upon not my worst enemy.
I will say it again because I operate and understand logic...I felt like such a malcontent, mental defective, idiotic, seriously needy and way warped ogre due to the outward expression of myself and how I presented myself to the outside world. I could rationalize my behavior by most simply, looking at my parents and there extremely odd ways. And, yeah, I did not see my father as autistic either only as one severly depraraved individual with anger issues. So, actually, this news of my autism and aspergers is quite liberating. Yet another self-loathing behavior neutralized...another wall fall down, one more big stick to put back in the closet...or better yet, to burn never to be raised again.
I'm really not as bad of a person as I thought. Going to the conference and seeing people interested and totally accepting of autism definitely had an effect on this aspie.
In a strange way...in a very strange way...having the label of "autistic" makes me sooo much more normal. and I can like who I am even more

Another Reason I Go Non-Verbal..Voluntarily

There are times when I find myself in selective mutism...and i cannot get out. Looking back, there are also times that I voluntarily, with good reason go non-verbal.
One reason that I will not talk, at times, is my brain is miswired and if I go to say "good morning", even to someone that I normally say that to...my emotions will pour forth in a semi-violent and uncontrollable manner.
Sometimes, I am aware that the emotations are lurking directly below the surface and I know, I Know, that if I say a single word, any word at all, it needn't be about what is causing this emotional uproar, I will have an emotional break down immediately.

Been there, done that, Do Not like that.

It makes no sense from the outsiders point of view and I usually do not feel like explaining why that is taking place. (Most of the time, I seriously may not even know)
I tend to sing at home and frequently, when I start and get it going, the first couple of songs or so, I have to just let ...emotations express before I can get back to a semblance of order and enjoy my little singing venture. More often than not, that is simply what happens with this Aspie.
Verbalization is such a complexity and I am really just starting to understand, comprehend and be okay with my emotional expressions due to their erratic, unpredictable and often, uncontrollable nature.
There are definitely times, where I have to decide whether it is worth the embarrassing emotional display in order to speak and get a point across.
Yeah, for this Aspie, the emotional center is often directly tied to my verbal center.
In the informal and poorly funded study, where I observe the NTs, this is far from usual. Their verbal centers and emotional centers are definitely not as connected. They seem to keep emotations far from their lips, easily within its own compartment which they can access or not access at will, for the most part. Oh, to have such a grasp!

I feel like I have taken a lot of beating, much strife, from myself if not from others, regarding my verbalizations or lack thereof. Its kindof nice and reassuring to discover the whys and howcomes.
Verbalization...its complicated...quite

The Greatest Movie in My World...

I simply adore the movie, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" and would highly recommend it to all. Not only is it free of violence and cursing, which is why I thought I enjoyed it so much in the first place...but it very accurately portrays Aspergers from four different points of view!
There are four main characters; Eric, the 10 year old boy, who makes friends with squirrels and an occasional adult; Mahoney, the frustrated genius who can't quite tap into her great potential; Henry, the Mutant, the socially awkward adult businessman, who learns how to play and connect; and Mr. Magorium, the aging inventor, comfortable in his own odd, quirky ways and quite prophetic!
Oh, how I adore this movie. From the first time I saw it with the odd, brightly colored, graphics in the opening credits, I knew this was something very special and highly unique. And I was cautiously optimistic, as I watched and somewhat in awe...could this really be? Why haven't I heard of this movie before? Why isn't everyone talking about it?
The first time I watched, I could easily identify with the boy, Eric, as he struggled to make friends and was ostracized at every turn. He could connect with adults who were similarly unique but not children his own age. His mother tries her best to help..but she endlessly worries about his inability to make friends.
And then there is Mahoney, the female character, played by Natalie Portman. She is a frustrated, oh, so frustrated composer, who knows she is destined for greatness, that she is so much more than a store clerk. Her character was rather difficult for me to watch, at first. Because I feel that same frustration of being trapped and unable to express the magic that is within.
On to Henry, affectionately known as "the Mutant" because he is an accountant. He never once balks at being called Mutant...probably because he does feel like an alien. He tries so hard to be helpful and to make his affections known but is stymied at every turn. He is afraid to connect and has no clue how to play. (One of the typical Aspergers dilemmas that I must address at some point. Aspies simply don't know how to play as children or rather, with other children) And Henry tries so very hard. He finds people that he would like to get to know better and finally figures it out!
Ahhh, Mr. Magorium...a stranger, more likable character has never before been seen. Right away, I was drawn to him. He is quirky, dressing in odd, colorful clothes (do you see the appeal, here? :), going against the mainstream, questioning authority or, the social norm and living his own life as he darn well pleases. And he is a kind, gentle, very wise soul.
Oh, the wisdom in this movie...I found quite profound!!!
And it is so pleasant and enjoyable. One of the few times that I have seen aspects of myself and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
I have watched this movie a few dozen times and will surely view it a few dozen more.
It is uplifting, makes you feel good inside and actually gives me a little tickle just to think about.
This is my bestest, most favorite movie of all times!!
Zach Helm who wrote and directed it, is a genius and hopefully, probably an Aspie to be proud of!!! Thank you Zach Helm!!!
Rent this movie, buy it, see it...and tell me what you think!!!! :)