My Dad Died

Last night, peacefully at home. I'm glad his suffering was not long. I hope he accomplished what he needed to in this life.
It's complicated

Appointments and Waiting Rooms Make Me Nervous

Appointments of all kinds, doctors, teacher, school, therapist, all make me nervous. The worst appointments are the ones in which I have never been to the office building and havent met the person I have the appointment with.
I have one of those "worst" appointments this week. I can goggle and map search for the building, but I am clueless as to what the waiting room set-up is. I don't know where the escape routes or restrooms are. I can't even guess if the receptionist is friendly and helpful or a hardass having a really bad day.
It's so damn unknown.
Then I have to meet with the actual doctor. I goggled him, also, and have his age and education, but no picture, so I can't get a visual on who I will be dealing with. Having never seen this type of doctor before, a specialist, I am quite nervous as to what info he will want, his demeanor and expectations. When he asks a question, will I be able to come up with the appropriate answer or will I start down that long road where I give endless, nonsensical details because I don't understand what he is really asking?
My appointment is in a few days, and I've been nervous since last week.
Later this week, I meet and greet my new therapist at community mental health. I've been to the building before. It arbors many very old painful memories from when I was a client there 25 years ago. Thank god they don't keep records that long! And I have had a couple recent bad encounters there as well.
I don't know the chick I'll be working with. Yup, I googled her and found a small photo (which helps tremendously) and her education. This appointment makes me equally nervous because I'll be in a closed room with this person for about an hour, I'm uncertain of what to say. I can't really preplan conversation (I hate it when I can't preplan talks....if I know what to expect, I feel so much calmer)
or get a handle on her personality. Heck, I'm not even sure her office has a window!
It's like walking into a great unknown with shakey footing and head-in-the-fog confusion.
Even when I am scheduled to see people's offices I frequent, there can be a certain amount of butterfly nervousness. It depends on what I need to talk about, mostly. When I have to see my amity doctor about...delicate..matters, I get anxiety.
My weekly therapist visits can be anticipated with zero stress all the way up to panic depending on my state of mind and being.
Can I talk about waiting rooms? Not just any waiting rooms, but the ones that are chock full of people and that must be endured for half an hour or more. Once a week, I take my little guy to the allergist. The waiting room is akin to a walk through a busy grocery store. People fly in and out every twenty minutes and the room usually harbors between 10-15 strange and unpredictable life forms.
It's crowded. It's noisy. It's smelly and very uncomfortable. It's reminds me of being trapped in a cage.
I never know who will be there, although there is a host of "regulars". My son has a few kids his age to share video ages with. I have to keep a civil tongue and not say everything that is on my mind. One regular is my Eldests first grade teacher who scarred him for life with her anal retentive, "I hate kids because they make noise and drag in dirt" attitude. I always want to say to her, "Are you still an ass and ruining young lives in a job you are completely unsuited for?" I just think it over and over and hope she gets the message telepathically. Mean bitch. Oh, and she will not look in my direction and likes to have her friend sitting between me and her. She knows how I feel about her.
The second semi-regular is my Younglinks swim instructor who almost allowed him to drown. She always says hi and how you doing? I always want to punch her in the face or tell her to shove it up her ass.....but I don't. I just harbor more mean thoughts and keep my mouth shut lest I make a scene. Incompetent ignoramus.
Waiting rooms are highly unpredictable. My best bet is to find a safe spot to it, away from others and closest to the exit. I bring earplugs these days and just drift out the large windows.
There is a reason they make anti-anxiety meds. Appointments and waiting rooms make me nervous.

Lyme and Lichen..visiting my family doctor

I gathered my info on the correlation between Lyme Disease and Lichen Sclerosus and Borrelia. I presented my findings to my doctor. She finds it rather fascinating and referred me to an infectious disease specialist! Yeah! And she agreed to put me on Doxycycline to try and help this virulent sinus infection! Yeah, number two.
Having previously been on Doxy, I know it has an effect on the Borrelia. I have moved one small step in the right direction.


In reading more about possible symptoms of Borrelia, neurological disorders was one of the symptoms mentioned. I have had a long string of strange and undiagnosable neurological problems that have been sending me to the ER for years.
Let's take a look at them:
Neurological pain in my feet. Numbness, tingling, soreness
Loss of the ability to sit up and move without extreme effort
Excruciating lower back pain with no known cause
Eye disturbances causing my vision in one eye to turn into a bright, hot light.
Dizziness
Ringing in my ears


Upon doing any type of heavy physical exertion, ex. shoveling, the muscles involved in the activity burn and I am sore and exhausted for days afterward.
Honestly, I don't know what it's like to feel "good", healthy or well. I consider myself to have always felt subpar and either dealing with an illness or getting over one. Basically, I always feel like crap, just in varying degrees.
I've started keeping a log of my LS, Lyme and sinus conditions. I'm writing down what I eat and what medicines I take and when.
Maybe there is just a wee bit of hope for me.
Next step will be my visit to the specialist.

Lyme Disease and Lichen Sclerosus, my conclusions

I have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow. I will present my findings. Here they are:
Lyme Disease (LD) and Lichen Sclerosus (LS) are both rare diseases caused by the same bacteria, Borrelia. Study after medical study shows this to be the case.
I had my first symptoms of LS,  intense itching, at seven years of age.
LS frequently manifests at sites of trauma or injury. My sexual abuse started at five years of age and was at least a few times weekly.
Borrelia is difficult to identify as it "hides" well. It doesn't overtly show up in routine blood work ups, lab results.  One symptom is chronic low WBC, white blood cell, count. Looking over my lab test results, my WBC is consistently normal but very much in the lower end of the spectrum.
My LS has acted up, flared, if you will, throughout my entire life.
I have had a compromised immune system and very frequent illness, far above normal since I can remember.
I have consistently felt "Better" on certain antibiotics and for two weeks after taking them. Then I would start feeling unwell again.
I have had many instances of "unknown" and strange ailments, including neurological symptoms that have baffled doctors. Borrelia causes neurological problems.


There Is treatment available that can eradicat Borrelia. Various strong antibiotics taken over months do work. I will see if my doctor is willing to deal with this and/or refer me to a specialist.
I cannot see one dr. for my LD and chronic sinusitis and another for my LS as They Are Both Linked. Both caused by One organism.
It's time to get the proper care and treatment for what ails me.

I Dream of Love

Sometimes dreams are our brains way of expressing everyday stress and frustration. At other times, dreams enlighten and entertain. Then there are, what I like to call, healing dreams.
The dreams my autistic brain creates are...more real, than average. I believe one commonly used term is "vivid dreaming". The events and feelings I experience are just slightly less intense than every day life.
I have repeatedly had dreams where I am talking and hugging my sister who passed away. I love the discussions we "have", how it feels to hear her voice again, and the magical touch of her hand.
On more than one occassion, I have dreamt I put money in my pocket. Upon awaking, I actually searched for it and was quite dismayed to find "it was just a dream." I have awoken in pure terror when dream living one of my sons being lost. Likewise, I frequently dream that my Eldest is home and released from prison. Again, I happily, if ever so briefly, look for him and end up in tears because it is not reality.
In dreams, I feel strongly emotionally and physically.

The past couple weeks, I have had at least four-five different dreams with the same theme...someone, a boyfriend or girlfriend, loves me very, very much. The person who cares for me so deeply is always different. The common thread is that each love is very kind, sweet, caring, safe and happy...to be with me. I awaken feeling warm, smiling and with an inner feeling of...being loved.


Prior to two weekes ago, I fail to recall ever having a dream of this love and feeling magnitude. The sheer number of healing love dreams is beyond erratic or coincidental. Just today, I had one love dream with a twenty something, casually attractive and highly caring young man at night, in addition to having a nap dream with a thirty something sweet and beautiful woman television personality. I must add that the dreams are completely without a sexual component. They encompass nothing but deep caring and love.
I am very much enjoying these. I love the feeling in the dream, as well as the warm residue I experience upon awakening. Dreams can truly be healing.

Reading Body Language, Facial Expressions, Eye Contact, Smile

Facial expressions can be very difficult to read. People smile for a wide variety of reasons:
1) They are genuinely happy to see me
2) it's the polite thing to do
3) They do it all the time and it means nothing
4) It's a mask.
5) It's a ruse, deceptive they want to manipulate. They need something or want you to do something for them, possible sinister

Eye Contact
Eyes have "expression" that can be almost too intense. It is highly accurate in dictating how someone is feeling about themselves, about you and their life in general.
I see the eyes of someone in pain and it hurts me.
Likewise, with people who are upset or angry with me, painful.
I've seen "dead eyes", an expression completely devoid of any warmth or care; otherwise known as, "You are dead to me" or "I feel nothing at all for you."
Happy, warm, "I like you" eyes are my favorite.
It's easy to tell when someone is uninterested and bored. Those persons who look a away from me...I find upsetting and rude. (Yes, this from someone who rarely maintains eye contact. I deplore double-standards, but it is true)
While I cannot routinely be accurate in reading facial cues, I'm actually very good at reading body language. My Aspie brain easily picks out the detail of small and slight movements, shifts in head tilt and subtle foot taps.
The way a person carries themselves, that unique walk tell me about the overall happiness and well-being of an individual. How free are the major joints? Do the arms swing casually from the shoulder carefree? Or are arms pressed tightly to the body in defense and pain?
The ability to determine who a person is, even from a good distance, is one of my hallmarks. Each walk is very unique.
I guess I entered into this subject because of an event this morning. I went to my doctors to ask for copies of some of my medical records. My intent was to procure three or four different pages, but upon my inquiring at the reception desk, it was quite clear the secretary was having an awful morning. Without her even speaking, her eyes looked tired and heavy. Her shoulders were low, sank, in futility and exasperation. Her arm movements were slightly erratic in confusion, frustration.
I could see that I was an imposition...that my being there was at a hectic time for her.

I respected that, pared down my request to just two pages and left.
Reading people, faces, posture, movement is a valuable skill. It makes people, the world, a little more predictable.
I do recommend that if you would like to learn how to read body language, there are many very good and easy to understand books and material on the Internet. I read a number of them whilst a teen and believe that they helped me.

The correlation between Lyme Disease and Lichen Sclerosus

After spending the past few hours researching Lichen Sclerosus, I came upon an interesting common thread. Both diseases can be traced to the Borrelia burgdorferi bacterium. I find this highly interesting.
Two, very rare diseases, one body, one bad guy.
There apparently, according to at least one study, antibiotics that can eradicat or subdue the Lichen, which continues to be my biggest issue.
I'm going to call either or both, my family doctor and ob/gyn to see who can refer me to an infectious disease specialist in the nearby city, since someone, with knowledge of Both diseases needs to take a look at this.
Hmmm, there might be hope for me yet. I'll keep you informed

Human Hibernation, Lotska

For the last five years, or so, i have jokingly commented that i start hibernating every fall. My energy level drops to 10-20%, and i easily spend up to 20 hours resting or sleeping. Seriously, this Is my normal.
In reading this wonderful article off the net....i dont feel so odd. It makes logical sense. My Eldest has always said that i am very much in tune with the rhythms of the earth and the seasons.
My diet changes with each season, along with my mood. In Spring I bounce and have bountiful energy and I crave salads, chicken and light foods. Autumn I rest and eat lots of root veggies, potatoes and pumpkin pies along with burgers and steak. Frequently, I end up with a string of illnesses, but methinks that's only because I fight the urge to rest so much.
I'm not sick. I'm nowhere near depressed, I'm hibernating!
I do find it interesting that this phenomenon has been recorded among Russian peasants. My genealogy states that I am more Polish than anything else. Maybe it's a genetic, regional occurrence.

A Long Winter’s Nap: How Hibernation Helps You
Season changes in weather also affect how our minds and bodies work.
By Carol Venolia
January/Febraury 2009
In the depths of winter, do you find yourself wanting to sleep more, eat more and curl up by the fire? We often behave as if seasonal changes are irrelevant to a modern lifestyle. After all, in many ways, civilization is all about overcoming nature. But our bodies are evolutionarily old and remember how weather once dictated behavior. In winter, we hunkered around a fire, repairing tools and telling tales that wove our culture. We packed our bodies close and slept long.
Now we act as if it’s always summer, demanding consistently high productivity at work and at home. But our bodies require cycles of activity and rest—daily, annually. When days are long, our metabolisms and energy levels amp up. In winter, we produce hormones that make us sleepy, giving us time to restore body, mind and soul.

And there’s nothing wrong with that cycle—except that we work against it, forcing ourselves to operate at summer levels even in winter. No wonder so many people feel depressed at this time of year!
How SAD is that?
You’ve probably heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. You might even suffer from it—as many as half a million U.S. citizens do, according to the American Academy of Family Physicians. The fact that most clinicians address the issue via technology (daily exposure to high-intensity electric light) and/or medication provides an interesting perspective on our time. But some have noted that SAD’s symptoms have more in common with hibernation than with clinical depression.
Could SAD be a result of modern living’s demand to move at top speed all day, every day—and mostly indoors, disconnected from the sun’s cycles? Could we give in to a bit of hibernation?
Oh, to hibernate!
Hibernation is a survival strategy some animals use to get through foodless winters. Though humans don’t hibernate, some cultures have come close.
In 1900, the British Medical Association published a description of winters among Russian peasants. For centuries, they survived scant winter food by engaging in lotska—sleeping the whole season away. “At the first fall of snow the whole family gathers round the stove, lies down, ceases to wrestle with the problems of human existence and quietly goes to sleep.”
The peasants woke daily to eat some bread and drink some water and then dropped off again, taking turns keeping the fire going. After six months, “the family wakes up, shakes itself, goes out to see if the grass is growing, and by-and-by sets to work at summer tasks,” the article states.
In a 2007 New York Times editorial, historian Graham Robb similarly described rural 19th-century France:
Economists and bureaucrats who ventured out into the countryside after the Revolution were horrified to find that the work force disappeared between fall and spring...Villages and even small towns were silent, with barely a column of smoke to reveal a human presence. As soon as the weather turned cold, people all over France shut themselves away and practiced the forgotten art of doing nothing at all for months on end.


Dreaming of a better world
What if we indulged our inclination to slow down in winter? We’d sleep more and demand less from ourselves. We’d be more inward and reflective. I once met an artist who had mastered this. Perusing her work, I asked how she stayed creative as a painter, writer, weaver and sculptor. Her answer:
She changes media each season. In summer she’s out on her deck chiseling a sculpture. In fall, she is reflective and poetic. In winter, she works with warm fiber at her loom. And as spring beckons her outdoors, she sets up her easel in the meadow. Should our lives be any less a work of seasonal art?
Carol Venolia is an eco-architect and co-author of Natural Remodeling for the Not-So-Green House (Lark Books, 2006). She teaches in the Sustainable Communities program at Dominican University of California . Chat with her at cvenolia@naturalhomemagazine.com .
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Dunderweed Definition

A dunderweed is an idiot or nincompoop who is obnoxious, intrusive and difficult to get rid of.
They are invasive, widespread and just plain creepy. Impossible to eradicat, they can be somewhat contained with accurate identification and appropriate verbal bantering skills. Avoidance is the best protocol, but somedays they are just fucking everywhere.