Some Days I'm Too Autistic For the World

And that would be today. I craved a little adventure, a short 30 minute jaunt to the thrift store slightly south from here. My first encounter with the outside world, my corner gas station/ snack center, kinda set the tone for the rest of the outing. Too many people in the aisle and I felt claustrophobic, invaded. Grabbing my coffee, I hustled back to the car. It was good to get out of the house. I enjoy drives where I get to experience the outside, the trees, cows, herons and horses, from the safety of my vehicle. I am calmed by the quiet hum of the motor and the windows that shut out extraneous noise.
  Upon entering the thrift store, I don't know, everything just felt wrong. The clerk was smiling too much, you know, kinda stalkerish; the music was of a style I listen to, but it was was too loud, like I was at a live concert and I didn't feel at all comfortable covering my ears with my hands. Moving about I felt constantly stymied, claustrophobic, people in my way, carts and clerks being noisy and overly friendly. I couldn't shut out anything. The noise, the people, their loud conversations, everything  felt overwhelming. I started complaining, more like whining, about the way the shelves were stacked haphazardly; the stock was too new and nothing I wanted could be found. Prices were too high and I was quite unhappy.

  Every time it walked I into a store, I immediately wanted out. I could not be pleased. I kept thinking, well, maybe if I go to a different store I'll be fine. Fine never came. I just continued to get more dissatisfied, irritated and agitated. 

 My final stop was at a different gas station. I thought I'd bring home donuts for the kids. Walking to the donut counter, I asked if such and such type was available. The clerk didn't hear me, instead, he just walked away. 

 Hey! I'm only invisible when I want to be invisible. I said aloud, in my head. My feelings were hurt. My heart injured. I ran out the door.

 Some days, such as today, I am too autistic to safely leave the house. I don't know if it's because I got up too early, my illness is acting up, I'm too hot or cold or in pain, maybe it's the weather, the stars, I don't know...there really is no answer.

 I need to recognize when I need some rest...when going out is not a good idea. Some days it's okay to climb back into bed and pull up the covers.

 See you tomorrow