Why am I here?

I've often pondered Life's deeper mysteries. Today, my questions seem to center around Why am I here, today?

In a grand context, my life has been a series of experiments into the depths of pain and torture. Getting beaten every day and raped every other day inflicts heavy suffering of both the body and the mind.

In a way, the physical malice always appeared worse because it was so raw, an all-compassing, easy-to-see damage type of pain. I could understand why I was crying and hurt.

Rape and molestation, or being forced to do ungodly acts, left areas of confusion and some abstract concept called emotional pain and scarring.

Thus, that being the childhood and teenage fodder, adulthood has been spent trying to mitigate that mess, soothe those wounds and understand the depths of damage on multiple levels.

Middle age has found me in a soft spot, a safe place. Very much alone with my children raised, all remnants of family faded away physically and mentally, friendless and in a safe and good place.

Part of my Life's contract is to endure, heal and then write and talk about my extreme experiences. But maybe I don't want to work everyday. Is my life more than that? What is the best way to proceed? What is healthiest for me?

This day. These hours. Each minute. How shall they be spent and to what do?

If I bring my focus to this second, I am completely lost in the present. Paralyzed with uncertainty. Clarity that tells me I only have a specific number of seconds left. To what do?

No obligations means space is total freedom.

No responsibility to others means I have to determine what is best for me.

Being a child forced to prostitute with a mother who believed one had no worth unless they were doing for others, puts me in a foreign quandry, a country of freedoms I've never known before.

No one ever did what was in Amy's best interest. She was a sex slave, torture victim whose only worth was in babysitting mom's kids and servicing dad's friends. She has no clue what it is like to love and care for herself.

She has no idea what it is like to be human free of harm and with freedom to choose. She has no idea what is in her best interest.

She is Lost in this Treasure of Freedoms never before felt.

Help me.

I am lost 

To what do?????