Edited and Published!

I'm so pleased with myself! The arduous, majorly challenging task of uploading and formatting my book in all three forms, ebook, paperback and hardcover, is now completed!

I had to revise the manuscript, add more information, edit chapters, create an index, write a description then upload all that and revise the cover. It Is Complete.

I am seriously technologically challenged. The newfound helper, I call "the god youtube" allowed me to format in the right way.

The book finally looks as I envisioned it, professionally done!

There were so many tears of frustration. It is a relief to publish!

Writing a book and self-publishing

I swear, the most frustrating thing about writing books is the difficulty figuring out how to get them published online.

I spent many hours today, simply transferring my written updated manuscript onto the amazon kindle site.

I spent yesterday, in futility, trying to create a table of contents via watching youtube tutorials, about a half dozen or so.

My brain just cannot grasp the simple constructs of performing basic computer document tasks. 

Anyway. Its a Great Book! 

Read it. Learn something new. Write a review if you feel so inclined.

Finding those hidden memories of incest and abuse

I've only recently discovered the extent to which both of my biological parents had me working as a child prostitute. Around 5, my mother told me I'd help the family get groceries each week by "doing to the grocery man what you already do with daddy". My parents were pimps.

In a way, I'm grateful ? Not the right. Relieved, might be more apropos, that my childhood sexual abuse was so extraneous and egregious and horrific because it makes the rest of my life make sense.

I spent my years in such great pain and distress and mental instability. And it had a Valid, Logical and Expected reason!! I was never making things up. I was never ever exaggerating! I wasn't a liar or a drama queen. I wasn't the boy crying wolf; I was the child being raped. 

My pain was real.

My life makes sense.

I make sense.

I love a good quiet

I don’t even have the energy to explain myself.

Blurting, saying things loudly and unintentionally

 

Blurting – to utter abruptly and impulsively; to say something suddenly and without thinking, usually because you are excited or nervous. Blurting is an uncontrollable reaction that I get, in which I say things out loud that I normally would prefer to keep to myself.

Case in point, for example, my family doctor was unpleasantly telling me that I had limits as to how long I could be on a certain medication that works wonders for me. Instead of a couple of adults discussing that, I turned into a petulant child and could not refrain myself from saying thins like, “I don’t like you”; “I find this conversation and this topic very unpleasant, unpleasant, unpleasant”; “I want you to stop talking about this…please stop talking about this.” I said many things in an angry tone of voice because I was starting to Meltdown and I was upset about the topic. Basically, I was Melting Down and I was mandatorily required to continue to sit in that unpleasant office and have that upsetting conversation, no matter what mean or disagreeable words this person insisted on speaking about. An Autistic without an Out, like out of the room, or out of doors, or the option to bolt for safety Will Probably Meltdown if overloaded. Yes, I was trapped and my blurting of phrases was the only option I had.

When I was finally released and she had stopped talking and I could run top my car, I proceeded to call her many, many terrible names as I banged my head and swore loudly within the confines and safety of my own vehicle.

Blurting is different than just talking to myself. I, like most people who routinely talk to themselves, often do so to help remind or remember things. Often it is done in small or soft voice as opposed to loud for all to hear.

While I have always talked to myself, blurting is something new that I have noticed only within the past couple of years. It feels more like an uncontrollable tic as opposed to a minor verbal disturbance. Like my other tics, I try and find places to blurt where others cannot hear me whenever possible. Blurting happens and sometimes accompanies a Meltdown.