The life inside the exclusive, solitary existence called Autism and Aspergers, often denotes the need to develop...unusual coping strategies in order to remain functional.
One such strategy, that I have heavily employed, at certain times throughout my life, has been the creation of imaginary friends and various animals/ creatures/ critters.
My imagination, my "reality" has always been of a very "slippery" nature and highly mutable. I think the vast majority of neuro-typicals see and experience "reality" as something extremely solid and stable, like a rock or a mountain. For this Aspie, reality is more of a whisp, a cloud, an every changing etherical foundation that shifts and transports, nothing even remotely resembling what most call "reality".
There is much truth in the statement, "I live in my own world and just stop by and play in yours." I walk a very fine line and with the simplest of audibles or memories, can time transport at the drop of a hat. Some times, I would like to think that Most times, I can control this, but, most certainly, there are times that I cannot. It is indeed, both a blessing and a curse.
Whilst I can create beautiful, flowing and vibrantly real poetry, I can also be thrown into a chaotic hell of emotional turmoil at some rather ugly remembrances. I often long for the semblance of stability and groundedness which I often seek in my closet friends.
One way my slippery reality and overly creative imagination has helped me..is when I am scared.
Growing up, whenever I did not want to be alone, I always created an imaginary friend who was right there with me when the worstest of things would be happening and having that "friend" made life survivable.
Even when no one would play with me, there was always "someone" who would. There was always "someone" who listened, who cared, who loved me, who I could talk to without reserve...someone who accepted and understood me. It was an extreme survival skill that I learned when I was very young.
Back when I was in massage school, our class had to travel a few hours away one weekend a month. I was extremely anxious, and highly agoraphobic and to calm my nerves and make the trip "doable", I created a vision of an imaginary white horse that always traveled along side me on my journeys. I could see it as clearly as you see your computer. Having my white horse always at my side, keeping pace gave me an "unreal" sense of safety and security...I wasn't alone...I had a traveling companion...albeit an imaginary one.
Even now, though the need has greatly, heartily diminished, I continue to have an imaginary critter to accompany me when I am out on my own and feeling vulnerable, overly anxious or downright scared. Call it monophobia,agoraphobia or simply having a constant, trustworthy companion, it works. The funny thing is, my critter gets larger or smaller depending on my fear level. If I am feeling especially anxious, he is almost as large as myself, protecting me from any perceived or imagined danger. Its how I get through.
I have always lived anything but a normal, neuro-typical existence and the defenses and crisis management tools that I employ are surely atypical and questionable. I don't recommend going around and creating people or creatures, but one must maintain, survive and get by, somehow.
As I write this..it seems really sad that an individual would have to go to such extremes just to feel safe in the outside world. I have found Aspergers to be an exercise in extreme aloneness and isolation...one has to find what works and helps. Aspie is what Aspie has to do.
