Hmm, Updates

Well, I've been off Facebook about a week now. Really simple..it just didn't make sense. Some things are like that...I abruptly stop doing one thing or another and sometimes I know the reason, other times naught. I am soo not into explaining myself these days anyway. Sharing is not on the menu. I can hear doors slamming shut.
I've had a most unique opportunity to get away from home and family and house/farm sit for a friend of mine.
I have discovered over the years that regarding brand new experiences...that I am completely clueless as to anticipating how I will feel and how it will go. Case in point, coming out to the farm I thought I would go here and there visiting nearby friends...but...I experienced the exact opposite. The first couple of days, I cared for and interacted with the horses and animals but I wanted absolutely nothing to do with anyone.
This is really my very first time off on my own for a few days...I harkened back to my bachlorette days of single hood and I deeply enjoyed my solitude. The absence of worrying and caring for family...the stress of home daily maintenance....all gone. I ate what I wanted, when wanted, slept, napped whenever I felt like it...pursued my research and horse play whenever it suited me. My daily chores here are extremely simple and highly, highly enjoyable. I wander out to the barn or the pasture at least a few times a day just to interact with the horses. I learned to be careful doing these new things as horses are very large, strong animals. In the pasture I am most careful with one filly as she is young and exuberant and runs to greet me. Then she follows me around like a puppy which is very, very cool.
I've learned basic barn/ animal maintenance, the care and feeding stuff without any problem. I don't mind feeding or cleaning stalls and I love grooming. Every horse and pony has been groomed at least once.
A couple interesting things I learned...the horses love having their hooves cleaned and usually give a heavy sigh when I am doing that. I am still skittish and sometimes forego the rear hooves depending on the horse/pony and my comfort level.
The other area that surprised me...the hoofed ones usually love their manes and especially their forelocks, the hair between their ears, when brushed/combed the horse calms right down and seems to love it.
Okay, so I had quite a thrill when the ponies breached the fences and escaped. I was reclining on the couch when I kept hearing a horse heavily, loudly call. Okay, the first call I thought..well, some horse greeting thingy. The second time I sat up and decided that f I heard it again it would warrant an investigation.
Sure enough..on time three I got up, looked out the window to see one pony racing in circles in his pen, frantic and another one was in an area way off limits. I ran out to find all four nearby....but, I could not figure out what to do next as I knew not where the fence was breached and who to gather first and where to pit them. So I used the phone a friend and got a fellow horsemen to come over in about thirty minutes. In the meantime I had roped one pony and brought him in. After help arrived, everyone was in the barn albeit in odd places. Not only were the ponies upset but the three horses nearby were distressed as the ponies were now in their stalls.

Prejudice, Slavery, My Thoughts

I remember the first time I heard about slavery, 10 years old, history, Mrs. Puchala. My first reaction was to strongly question whether the text book was real or fake. I was majorly confused because even at my tender age this seemed like a very sick joke.
I mean why would someone enslave another human being because their skin color was darker or different? It made no sense in my head. Who was the first person that said, "oh, let's put shackles on them and make them work for us?" and then, who are the ingrates who agreed with this deranged, misguided idea? And then like, everyone else agreed that this was okay?
How can one human being do that to another?
And for non-slave owners...fir the average white man on the street, to see another human in chains...and to think that was right? And not do anything to stop it?
It still hurts me to think of the inhumanity and suffering of anyone who was enslaved.
Maybe I am just color blind because I see all peoples as equal...always have...always will.
One big problem in my little whitebread town with an estimate of 90% white, 5% Hispanic, 3% Native American and 1% each of Asian and African American is prejudice.
Mostly certain people think it's okay and acceptable to make fun of and put down other races. They degrade the Mexican migrant workers who do the jobs that are way beneath them. Yeah, those people that help put food on our table. And the Native Americans because they run a casino and are for some reason, engaged in a cold war with the rest of us.
I don't get and I refuse to partake in any demeaning talk.
We are all equal..all the same..under our skin. Why can't people understand that?

Horseback Riding, Aspergers and Overcoming Fear

OMG, I simply must write about my riding session today.
When I was riding my horse, Rebel, on the first time round the arena...halfway round I started feeling panic. So I'm thinking, but I'm not afraid. Rebel took two, maybe three more steps and he spooked. There was an animal in the woods, sounded like a turkey that got startled and Reb jumped and went off to the side. I held on just fine and I'm pretty sure I was feeling Rebels anxiety as he heard the critter in the woods before me...And I was able to feel what he was feeling.
My instructor remarked how well I did to stay on the horse, and honestly, I never felt that I was in any danger of falling off. As a matter of fact, I recovered very quickly, took the incident for what it was (some minor thingy that just happens sometimes) and moved on.
Yay for me!! Just writing that makes me realize how atypical of a reaction that is for me....very positive!
So we continued on.
Shortly thereafter, my instructor, ever so calmly just Suggested that if I ever wanted to learn how to trot....she was giving me pointers.
At first, my automatic reaction is oh, no, I don't Think so.....but she kept talking...gently, casually about....so it got me thinking. I really trust this woman and if She thinks I am capable of trotting...we'll...maybe. So she and I discussed it and I decided to give it a go.
For the very first trot, I had Mary walk/run alongside with a lead rope. Okay. Then I needed more information and she demonstrated for me, which was very cool. Then I decided to attempt it on my own. I could feel myself tense up, so I kept calming myself down and mustered up some courage....and Trot! OMG, when I brought Reb to a halt....I laughed! What a liberating, fascinating, involved experience! I loved it!
I continued throughout our hour and a half session to trot here and there. Fascinating.
It was like.....a roller coaster ride...scary good fun. Liberating. I loved the sound of the horses hooves thundering on the ground. It is a wondrous, grounding sound of completion and connection...and it was like it wa my feet thundering, connecting on the ground....very cool and soothing. In addition (there was a whole lot going on in those few seconds) the sight of Rebels mane blowing in the wind, so natural and carefree. I felt completely safe. Then there is this whole bouncing thingy...which I'm not sure how to take. I'm learning to relax and trust more as I sit in the saddle and the bouncing was okay...sometimes smoother, sometimes not. Interesting sound of the leather saddle squishing:) the wind blowing past my ears....cool. I had a fabulous time. I am still replaying it. I continue to smile and laugh inside about it. It...tickles me.
It's like, I walked into the arena, carrying an egg of fear. You know, like a fragile chicken egg in my right hand. And I had to be ever so careful not to break my little friend who "kept me safe" by prohibiting me from experience fun and thrilling things. And after my first solo trot, the egg broke and I broke into laughter because laughter is often a sign of dispelling fear and the two, fear and laughter, cannot exist simultaneously. It is one or the other:)
And I love the smell of the barn...I have for the past few weeks, because I have such a pleasant association with that smell...horses!
Oh and I was privileged to work with one of the horses that I had never had contact with before. K had some terrible mane tangles and I wanted to brush them out. So it was my first time brushing/ being next to K. My, she is a pretty girl! She has such a young (she is 7) personality...very wary of people and new things. Impatient and unsure. It was so very easy to see and feel her insecurity and trepidation, so I moved a lot slower, talked a bit calmer and quieter and she settled down. Fascinating that I can really feel the difference, that she is so very feminine and light. She has the most beautiful long lower eyelashes and she requires a much gentler touch than the Reb. And her mane looked so beautiful with all the tangles out. Her coat is full of colors, spacklings of brown on white, dark grey almost black leggings, sides of varying shades of grey and a beautiful tail of treys and browns. It was so cute, after we released her into the pasture, instead of running off, she followed us around.
I always enjoy going out to the horse farm, but today, it was exhilarating! Yup, I am still smiling! I had a fabulous time!

ALPHAS on SyFy....autism

So I found myself flipping channels and landed on this new, SyFy show called Alphas. Immediately, I was transfixed by this young guy who talked as pie and was full of gestures. Yes! He turned out to be autistic.
The storyline was okay and yes, I enjoyed the chick who could see energy and the other one who could talk people into things but far and away, I liked the autistic character.
I couldn't even tell you his name or what part he played in the investigation....I just wanted to watch him move in that very cool autistic way. It is sooo fascinating to see on the screen, someone who, albeit an actor, displays characteristics of myself. It must be akin to how my little guy feels when he interacts with someone else born with one hands. It's a kinship, a recognition, a sense that you are not alone or the only one who is a bit....different. The show delighted me. I plan on checking it out every Monday night at ten pm, no matter the storyline or plot. I just want to watch the very, very cool autistic guy!!!!!

Silent Running, I'm Autistic not Broken

"Walking with non-moving lips", would be a more apt title.
I stand on my fence, hand in pocket, hand combing hair purveying the two Vastly, Vastly different worlds.
My home, my instinctual, casual comfy place...is quiet, solitary, all encompassing, inherited, free of gadgets and others. It's my natural state of being that requires no effort, no work, no stress nor modifications to my behavior. In my world, on my planet, I am the most perfect of beings Exactly as I am. If I step one foot, one little, tiny toe into your world, outside of myself, walls and defenses leap into place and the modifiers, the censors all come online and I go to high alert, strategizing and figuring out how to get through or move around obstacle after barrier after barbed wire. I twist and I duck, I run, I leap, I dash, I throw on more armor, start sweating too much, feel faint, fall down, regroup, struggle to my knees, pray to God, and grab my lance and shield yet again.
I am so fucking tired of this shit....how I have to struggle and fight each fucking day. I'm tired. It's like there is this constant, endless game going on and I have to continually be awake, aware and move my pieces right. I'm so fucking tired of this. Head hangs, somber and contrite.
Choosing between comfort and battle...between home and hostility...go figure, which I choose.
This game does not end...not ever...just somedays my equipment works better than others or my moves are a little smoother or....or I take a bow, a powder, take care of myself...stop fighting and figuring and...some would say hide...I say self-preserve or stay comfortable. It's not a retreat.....sometimes I just want to be off the battlefield.
If I Dont compare myself to others, I do just fine. If I am not forced to interact, even better.
Since when is it wrong to just want to be what one inherently is? I'm not a defect, a disability, a needy, problem child. I am none of those things....unless I step into your world.
I am perfect...absolutely beautiful and perfection itself. But no one can see it...no one can ever see it....only me. To me, I am just right.
This is who I am, no faults, changes or tweaks required

I Don't Hear so Good...verbal processing, aspergers, autism

Today was spent sequestered...walking around in last nights jammies, head in the clouds, the fog, the myth. Once again, I am startled into the submissive realization that I am different...I am autistic.
I have been playing and replaying the Lord of the Rings movies. I enjoyed them and decided to turn on the written subtitles. I...was astounded. I obviously have a serious hearing processing deficit as most of the written subtitles, the vast majority of the dialog and the real names of all the characters save Frodo and the indistinguishable Merry and Pip were all very new to me. I would wager about 90% of the words were new...even though I had seen each movie half a dozen times.
I continue to be rather, no make that very, stunned by this awareness. I'm not you...I'm nothing like you. An Alien Moment, again.
Thoughts rumble and tumble, shift and twirl by the censors. Just say it.
I don't know why I belong here amongst such a strange breed. I don't know why I bother with conversation or verbalizations.
Listening and verbal processing never came natural to me. It was a tough-fought learned mannerism.
When someone talks to me, here is how it goes. In person, I hear muted sound of various intensity...if I can watch a persons lips move I am given Huge clues as to what the actual words are. The lips give the sounds body and form. Then the sounds travel to my ears, bounce off one wall, where they become even more solid and formed, then they bounce off another, becoming clearer and finally, the words go round and round, a circular room inside my head, where they slow down to the point that I can read them. I read verbal speech in order to comprehend what is being said to me.
Phone calls, well...that's a challenge as I have no lip clues and I stress out and fly by the seat of my pants in trying to understand what is said.
I...store information from people that I talk with. When my Partner talks...well, this is usual what she says, how she says it and what it usually means. 17 years is a good amount of time in order to learn someone's speech patterns and rhythms. Family and friends are the same way...I draw upon the remembrances, the mental files in my possession to engage conversation appropriately.
Now, give me a brand new person, whom I have never met before and the whole ballgame changes. I become supremely focused on this one person and watch their lips, mannerisms, play and replay each word, phrase, sentence so I can figure it out.
I avoid new people, go figure, too damn much work. Work and effort equals stress. Stress is tension. I don't care for tension.
As I sat and talked for three hours with my friend from years ago, it struck me how unstressed I was. We understood each others patterns with comfort. I didn't need to work or strain...our conversation simply flowed.
I'm learning. When I am with someone and come home and feel the need to destress or I'm physically and mentally exhausted...well, that's really not someone that is healthy for me.
Each day is different. Today was a zero processing day whereby I wasn't up to processing any conversations at all. I engaged no one, played no wordy lyrics...I needed just to be down. Other days, I seek people out. It varies.
If my movie watching skills are any indication, I miss at least half of what is said to me...at least. Why bother? I have always thought talking was overrated. If I cannot capture the words, it's like ping pong balls rolling around and bouncing...just obnoxious, frustrating noise.
I frequently ask people to repeat things and spell new words for me. Frustrating. Back to my old adage of shut up, take a step back and take it easy...this daily stuff is just a bitch.
Enough already. I admire non-moving lips. I enjoy the absence of stress of nonVerbalism...it is a religion onto itself. You wouldn't understand. I am nothing like you

The Dichotomy of Aspergers

Lately, I have come to realize why it feels that I live in a bipolar quandary of consternation. Aspergers seems to be a living, breathing dichotomy of contradiction. Allow me to illustrate my point.
I often appear aloof and distant yet am extremely sensitive and deeply and intimately in touch with my emotional state.
I try and be the most strategically prepared for any event yet frequently exhibit no impulse control. I thoroughly explore every aspect of an upcoming conversation yet have been known to blurt out rude and inappropriate remarks.
I can become completely and supremely focused and knowldegable on one singular, obscure subject which few can comprehend yet I have difficulty figuring out what to cook for dinner. And you don't even want to know how long it takes me to figure out what to dress myself in each day or how I have to set alarm clocks all over my house to remember to be alert to when my kid gets off the bus or when someone is stopping over or when I have to leave to do something on time. And there is the plethora of sticky notes throughout my house in order to remember to do this or that and set this appt and cancel that subscription. Yup, still the dumbest smart person you will ever know.
I am quite aware of some of my physical tics yet can also forget about others personal space and have startled many a friend or acquaintance with completely unexpected physical contact. OMG, my poor friend...she came up behind me at school and I hadn't seen her in weeks and when I turned and saw her, I was overjoyed and grasped her in a huge hug completely forgetting that she is not a touch person. Thank the good Lord she just smiled and was not offended. Trust me, it happens a lot. And most of the time, I am at a complete loss as to being able to control myself.
Its as if I am always hungry yet have no clue what to eat. Indecisive. Impulsive. Befuddled.
I crave solitude but fear being alone. I mean, comeon...how does one make any sense of that?
I push people away and lock the doors but I also beg for them to knock.
There is a reason I sit and ponder and have no clue as to which direction to take. And I think...that I have always pretty much lived in this state.

I want people to talk softly yet I fly off my handle and can launch into loud, obnoxious tirades.
I acknowledge my emotional side yet can easily tromp all over someone elses.
I am forever trying to protect myself yet invade others boundaries.
Thoughtful and thoughtless. Heavily controlled, regulated but prone to impulsive outbursts/ outpourings. Very intense and completely subdued and malleable. How does one reckon? How can one accept that their world is such a dichotomy? That black is right but so is white? I am the pot calling the kettle black. Its hard to....accept that this is just who I am.
Sometimes Aspergers isn't easy to live with. Somehow I need to find some peace among these pieces:)