A Hard Days Night, it's raining it's pouring

Boy, it's all been a bit too much lately. Between the arm pain, procuring and managing meds, doctor, acupuncture and therapy appointments, my son and school, plus trying to manage all the notices and confusing  statements from Social Security,  it's all too much. There hasn't been any downtime. I take that back. I have been finding time to take the puppy and go for hour long walks, in the quiet of the starry nights. It's been a bit of a salvation, really. Time to unwind and I'm think. It's very calming and comforting to stroll carefree in an atmosphere with such low sensory input.
The amount of daylight consumed with problem solving is at an all-time high. The past weekend, while fun-filled with movie, laundry and a ride in the country was part of my usual unwind schedule. I really need to slow it down. I'll do what I can to lower the stress load. As long as outer influences stay low, I'll be able to recover and enjoy life more.

The Sound of a Door Shutting is Triggering, Makes Me Freak Out Sometimes

Today was the first day that I realized not every abuse/ trauma survivor is triggered by the sound of a door shutting. I have experienced a certain amount of fear, anxiety whenever a door was closed with me in the room, to varying degrees, for as long as I can remember. In therapy with Neo today, I asked her if she was ever worried that if the door was shut that she couldn't get out again

 She said she had never worried about that, ever. That got me thinking. I had always assumed that therapist realized the gravity of the situation, that I was anxious as they closed the door. Yeah, I'm pretty stunned that I have been mistaken in this assumption for such a long time. So I'm trying to process this information.

Why do I feel thus and so?

I have a few different theories.

1) the sight and sound of a door closing could be triggering because whenever I'd be alone with my dad in a room, and he shut and/or locked the door, something bad, unpleasant or painful would happen. This Was often the case so it's my number one theory.

2) maybe it's a reminder of the various times I was put in a room and left there for hours, a common punishment, tactic.

3) this one scares me a bit to write so I know this issue definitely comes to play in this...maybe it was from remembering the times when I was quite young and mom would put me in the closet and leave me.

All 3 ideas strike a chord whereby I feel some emotion or hesitancy. I know they all happened with 1 being the most prevalent and 3 carrying the most emotion.

I don't "wear" or show my anxiety about closing doors very much, like most of the things that upset me, I've learned to hide or ignore them and not let others know lest they intentionally torment me with such information.

Hmmm.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to get over such a pervasive fear. It deeply affected me from quite an early age and probably involves a number of my alter personalities. I guess I just don't know. I mean, it's great that Neo now knows this but will it ever change?

Hmm, methinks it's a positive sign that I could even broach the subject with her. For all the dancing around we do, two steps forward, one step back, we must really have an underlying sense of trust with Neo, otherwise we wouldn't have given, trusted her with this ammunition considering we spend an hour alone with her in a room and all.

I wonder if other survivors have this trigger as well. It can sure make daily life, appointments, a real challenge. 

Aspie Life is Discomfort and Pain Management

I've come to the conclusion that Aspie life is discomfort and pain management.
Being Autistic means being in an incessant state of discomfort to varying degrees. Some days it's just a ripple and other days it's rogue wave after rogue wave.
Fitting in, well, I have moments I want to. I think that mostly I'm just trying to pass through unharmed which means unnoticed. Lights, sights, sounds and smells are all out of my control. Hmm, touch, others touching me is about the only thing I Can control. Interesting, sudden observation.
Thus, whenever I leave the house, I can expect to be uncomfortable...i just never know to what degree. Will I arrive home irritated, talking to myself, crying or relatively unscathed? I never know. Quite frankly, I'd rather not even risk it, staying home as much as possible.
Discomfort is the poor, younger brother of Pain. They share the same blood, you know? I'm not sure of where the line is whereby discomfort slides into mental pain.
So many types of pain, but I guess physical pain is the most prominent. Throughout our lives, especially as we get older, navigating physical pain seems to be a daily task. If you're under 50, you won't understand this, some day you will. My medicine cabinet is full. I never thought I'd become one of those people with an armfull of prescription bottles but here I am. It's a constant mental challenge to figure out which pain relief meds and/or tactics are needed each day. How much pain can I tolerate? At what point do I take these pills or those? I'm not sure. I'm second guessing myself. I'm trying to measure, so I can manage my physical pains.
Then you have our hidden friend, emotional pain. Ah, well, for those of us that acknowledge that we feel and seek to examine and understand them, emotional pain is quite real. Grief, sorrow, depression, loss, hurt, self-hatred, they are all...painful. The older one gets, the more memories, events, grief and events. They need to be properly stored, managed and disposed of, or contained, anyway.
I can only speak for my own life, my feelings and experiences....life is Pain Management, pure and simple.

Getting my act together

How about a pic

Okay, back up and running

For some reason unknown, I haven't been able to post on my new phone. A lot has happened. So much to say. I cringe when I'm silenced and unable to be heard and my blog is my favorite voice.
I'm quite pleased to be seeing a Beautiful Woman and going out. We spent about 4 hours, holding hands, Out in Public. I had never experienced that before and I really enjoyed it. You can always tell when a first date has gone well when you get asked out on a second. I'm pretty pleased to meet someone so kind, caring and warm. We already have plans to go out again. She's really a delight. Makes me feel good inside just to be with her. She listens so well, texts me everyday and she's very caring. What a pleasant change.
My blog may be having problems with photos, so I'll try posting without them for a bit.
I took the week off of therapy. I seem to have a more stringent version about how a professional should act. Last week, I got very uncomfortable and this, like wall goes up and I couldn't go back. Another appointment this week. I don't know if I'll be able to go or not. We will see.
I started acupuncture and had my second treatment. My body energy responds extremely well to treatments. My practitioner seems okay, kind of comfortable and she does excellent work.
Hand is sore. My son and I did laundry together tonight. It was fun having the two one-handed, mom-son team working together. I seriously sprained my left wrist/arm a week ago. Xrays, so far, show no break but a bad sprain. My sports medicine dr told me not to take off my heavy-duty splint except to wash my hands. He says I'm not out of the woods yet, that a break may show up, so more xrays in another week. Lots of pain and I'm managing it with pain meds. The less movement I do, the better.
That's it for this post. Want to make sure it Will post. Be well.

Does this work