Today was the first day that I realized not every abuse/ trauma survivor is triggered by the sound of a door shutting. I have experienced a certain amount of fear, anxiety whenever a door was closed with me in the room, to varying degrees, for as long as I can remember. In therapy with Neo today, I asked her if she was ever worried that if the door was shut that she couldn't get out again
She said she had never worried about that, ever. That got me thinking. I had always assumed that therapist realized the gravity of the situation, that I was anxious as they closed the door. Yeah, I'm pretty stunned that I have been mistaken in this assumption for such a long time. So I'm trying to process this information.
Why do I feel thus and so?
I have a few different theories.
1) the sight and sound of a door closing could be triggering because whenever I'd be alone with my dad in a room, and he shut and/or locked the door, something bad, unpleasant or painful would happen. This Was often the case so it's my number one theory.
2) maybe it's a reminder of the various times I was put in a room and left there for hours, a common punishment, tactic.
3) this one scares me a bit to write so I know this issue definitely comes to play in this...maybe it was from remembering the times when I was quite young and mom would put me in the closet and leave me.
All 3 ideas strike a chord whereby I feel some emotion or hesitancy. I know they all happened with 1 being the most prevalent and 3 carrying the most emotion.
I don't "wear" or show my anxiety about closing doors very much, like most of the things that upset me, I've learned to hide or ignore them and not let others know lest they intentionally torment me with such information.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to get over such a pervasive fear. It deeply affected me from quite an early age and probably involves a number of my alter personalities. I guess I just don't know. I mean, it's great that Neo now knows this but will it ever change?
Hmm, methinks it's a positive sign that I could even broach the subject with her. For all the dancing around we do, two steps forward, one step back, we must really have an underlying sense of trust with Neo, otherwise we wouldn't have given, trusted her with this ammunition considering we spend an hour alone with her in a room and all.
I wonder if other survivors have this trigger as well. It can sure make daily life, appointments, a real challenge.