How can we be loved

Some Days I'm Too Autistic For the World

And that would be today. I craved a little adventure, a short 30 minute jaunt to the thrift store slightly south from here. My first encounter with the outside world, my corner gas station/ snack center, kinda set the tone for the rest of the outing. Too many people in the aisle and I felt claustrophobic, invaded. Grabbing my coffee, I hustled back to the car. It was good to get out of the house. I enjoy drives where I get to experience the outside, the trees, cows, herons and horses, from the safety of my vehicle. I am calmed by the quiet hum of the motor and the windows that shut out extraneous noise.
  Upon entering the thrift store, I don't know, everything just felt wrong. The clerk was smiling too much, you know, kinda stalkerish; the music was of a style I listen to, but it was was too loud, like I was at a live concert and I didn't feel at all comfortable covering my ears with my hands. Moving about I felt constantly stymied, claustrophobic, people in my way, carts and clerks being noisy and overly friendly. I couldn't shut out anything. The noise, the people, their loud conversations, everything  felt overwhelming. I started complaining, more like whining, about the way the shelves were stacked haphazardly; the stock was too new and nothing I wanted could be found. Prices were too high and I was quite unhappy.

  Every time it walked I into a store, I immediately wanted out. I could not be pleased. I kept thinking, well, maybe if I go to a different store I'll be fine. Fine never came. I just continued to get more dissatisfied, irritated and agitated. 

 My final stop was at a different gas station. I thought I'd bring home donuts for the kids. Walking to the donut counter, I asked if such and such type was available. The clerk didn't hear me, instead, he just walked away. 

 Hey! I'm only invisible when I want to be invisible. I said aloud, in my head. My feelings were hurt. My heart injured. I ran out the door.

 Some days, such as today, I am too autistic to safely leave the house. I don't know if it's because I got up too early, my illness is acting up, I'm too hot or cold or in pain, maybe it's the weather, the stars, I don't know...there really is no answer.

 I need to recognize when I need some rest...when going out is not a good idea. Some days it's okay to climb back into bed and pull up the covers.

 See you tomorrow

Aspergers, Living with Anxiety & Fear

I had my first foray to the foggy shores of Lake Michigan today. I've driven by, stopped and looked, many times. This was my virginal experience of actually trekking on the sand and toe touching the water.

 Having Aspergers means being full of an assortment of unusual anxieties. Today presented a very good example of how difficult little things can be.

 Before I got out of the car, I thought....I didn't want to get sand in my shoes, which would then get into my truck and make its way to my home. Yes, I pictured myself sitting on the couch, feet up as usual and sand drifting into the crevices of the brown, leathered sofa....Before I even got out of the car.

 So I will go barefoot! My mind twirled onto the possible scenario of the barefooted me, trouncing through the sand and hitting the one piece of broken glass on the entire beach. Ok, so my foot would be bleeding...what would I do? I'd take off my over shirt, wrap my injured foot and drive myself to the hospital. But what if I need a tetanus shot? I'm allergic to eggs and some shots use eggs as their base. Then what? 

 Boy, if I'm going barefoot I am certainly taking a huge risk! Maybe, if I watch most carefully every step, I can avoid such a near-death experience. I very gingerly exited the vehicle. 

 I had to take all my essentials...wallet, in case they need to identify my body...phone, to call for help or take pictures....water, in case I need to take anti anxiety or pain meds....glasses, to see up close....car keys, check. Ok, now for a leisurely, relaxing stroll on the beach. Lol lol lol

  Sand feels...funny. It's quite a unique feel you can't find anywhere else. And the sand was wet, moist, odd. The weirdest thing was there was this squishy sound when I walked. Hadn't heard that before or in years or listened to it in a long time. I literally, looked down at my feet to see what the strange sound was and where it was coming from. 

  I quickly tired. Sand walking requires a number of leg muscles one doesn't use on a daily basis. And my body continues to rehabilitate from my lingering ailments of months past. I stood at waters edge. A ginormous billow of fog was located just a couple hundred feet lakeward. I was quite delighted to see a school of small fish leaping, breaking the waters glassy plane, and returning to the depths. Methinks they were engaging in consuming any one of the hundreds of mosquitos skimming the surface and swarming me.

 I lingered a bit observing the gentle waves, the dense and shrouded fog, the play of the filtered sun off the water...then the chaotic buzz of squitos drove me scrambling for the truck. Whew. I made it!

  Every little adventure is fraught with anxiety. Every possible worst-case scenerio is analyzed and weighed. I've learned to accept this about my autism. Sometimes I try and explain this to others, but most of the time I fear their laughter, ridicule and being accused of "overthinking". Sigh. There isn't anything wrong with me...I have Aspergers and I'm getting more okay with that every day.

 This five minute scenerio I presented, well, it can happen half a dozen or thirty times a day or more.

Just wanted to share a glimpse of my world:) It's a good place to be.

Shine a Light onto the Shadow, How to Heal 101

Put down the phone and drive, Don't text & Drive!

Feel free to share

It's going to be okay

My Friend

My friend, Karon, left this earthly existence a couple years back. Her love for me still resides in my heart.