WOW!!!

So I had another meet & greet with a new woman tonight. To say we connected on a deep level feels like an understatement. We talked for 2 1/2 hours and made plans for another date in a few days.
I just keep thinking or saying aloud "WOW" and "OMG"!!! I can't even think straight or focus. I'm lost in some type of rainbow colored clouds. I haven't had such an intense reaction to a first meeting before. She is positively amazing and feelings are highly mutual.
Somehow, someway I am supposed to try and get some sleep for my two important appointments early in the morn. Just WOW

Rudderless in Murky Waters

Maybe aimlessly circling is a good, introspective place to be. There is zero forward progress and it's better than stifling stagnation. I'm circling my own wagons and pushing others away. I can't figure out what or how to communicate this internal stuff. I tried working out in therapy but it felt like I was spitting in the wind. She was talking to me as if I were a singleton, an NT that understand her language. I did not. She did not fail. I did not fail. It was just two people sitting in a room wrapped in their own dogma within their own walls and context. She didn't hear me. Didn't even know who I was. She rarely knows who I am and routinely calls me wrong. Another why bother. Leave me alone. Go away. My days of inner dialogue, the fantasy, imaginary kind, were ten times better than the shit of the nonsense hour as I watched the distance between us lengthen with each sentence she spoke.
I don't mind being lonely so much, as being lonely with someone else in the room is akin to headbanging with a witness.
It's true that my ability to express myself is injured, wounded and sulking, sobbing in the corner. I get that...but at least take a step toward my corner and off this singleton soap box that suits you for everyone else.
Listen to me and speak in simple syllables. She didn't even see me much less understand My plane.
I'm at the point where words seen useless, futile...like the words I make, out loud, are just for someone else to pop.
I've withdrawn, pulled back the troops, constructed a moat and am working on more concrete fortifications. If you are wounded, bleeding, confused or overwhelmed taking a step or two back seems to be the best option.

Time for an MRI, Therapy Disaster

Well, I've downgraded from the tight, castlike splint back to the easably removable one. The pain is intermittent only with movement but today I noticed the wrist does not look tight, especially over the scaphoid bone, the small wrist bone directly under Mister thumb. It's jutting out, for lack of a better term.
I've notified my peer support helper so that I can schedule the test when she can accompany me. I'm kinda concerned at this point. If I need to have the bone reset or have surgery, well, then that's what I'll have to have done. I guess it's rather common for scaphoid fractures to be hard to detect with just xrays, due to the shape of the bone. Yeah, I'm just a bit nervous, now. I was thinking it was just really slow to heal. I'll have to wait and see.
I had one of my worst therapy sessions today. Two completely different planets spinning in opposing directions. Pure, utter nonsense. Fail. Why do I bother.

Goals...i live for therapy

I was thinking about goals and how I've never really had any. You know, it's just about getting through the day. Then I figured..i do have a goal, something I look forward to, and that's therapy.
I guess with some people that they look forward to paychecks, promotions, graduations, anniversaries but those things have never meant anything to me. Well, I guess I'm using the word goals in a different context or in my own special way. I Do have 1 thing that keeps me going, that I look forward to and that feeds me in some way.
Since about 1997, my greatest times...not right wording...the events that I look most forward to are my therapy sessions. Therapy is a hugehuge part of my life. My life revolves around it and I revolve around it.

No harsh words spoken

Today was better than yesterday.
A nice, little reprieve from lying on the railroad tracks.
The night sky especially clear, unveiled and tranquil.
Walking at night proves to be healing.
Finished my painting. I want to say "It says it all, so clearly." But I know few, if any would understand.
A short day and a half till therapy and a much needed hug.
Just trying to consume some peace to sustain me till then. Therapy and Neo, therapist are two of my favorite things.
I require so little, yet hunger so much.

Living With Multiple Personality Disorder original painting

Today's introspective litany

Dismal dark dirty
Unwashed hands
Gritty water sieves
Through open hands

I died
Nine days ago
Yet through
God's grace
Or reluctance
I still breathe

The struggle is real
The lightswitch amiss
In the dark