Maybe aimlessly circling is a good, introspective place to be. There is zero forward progress and it's better than stifling stagnation. I'm circling my own wagons and pushing others away. I can't figure out what or how to communicate this internal stuff. I tried working out in therapy but it felt like I was spitting in the wind. She was talking to me as if I were a singleton, an NT that understand her language. I did not. She did not fail. I did not fail. It was just two people sitting in a room wrapped in their own dogma within their own walls and context. She didn't hear me. Didn't even know who I was. She rarely knows who I am and routinely calls me wrong. Another why bother. Leave me alone. Go away. My days of inner dialogue, the fantasy, imaginary kind, were ten times better than the shit of the nonsense hour as I watched the distance between us lengthen with each sentence she spoke.
I don't mind being lonely so much, as being lonely with someone else in the room is akin to headbanging with a witness.
It's true that my ability to express myself is injured, wounded and sulking, sobbing in the corner. I get that...but at least take a step toward my corner and off this singleton soap box that suits you for everyone else.
Listen to me and speak in simple syllables. She didn't even see me much less understand My plane.
I'm at the point where words seen useless, futile...like the words I make, out loud, are just for someone else to pop.
I've withdrawn, pulled back the troops, constructed a moat and am working on more concrete fortifications. If you are wounded, bleeding, confused or overwhelmed taking a step or two back seems to be the best option.
I don't mind being lonely so much, as being lonely with someone else in the room is akin to headbanging with a witness.
It's true that my ability to express myself is injured, wounded and sulking, sobbing in the corner. I get that...but at least take a step toward my corner and off this singleton soap box that suits you for everyone else.
Listen to me and speak in simple syllables. She didn't even see me much less understand My plane.
I'm at the point where words seen useless, futile...like the words I make, out loud, are just for someone else to pop.
I've withdrawn, pulled back the troops, constructed a moat and am working on more concrete fortifications. If you are wounded, bleeding, confused or overwhelmed taking a step or two back seems to be the best option.
No comments:
Post a Comment