So, sometimes I am aware of my sequestered existence...especially when I actual engage someone in an hour long conversation and I am able to see things differently. You know, those almost minimalist, everyday chats that most do as a matter of course...are actually huge, arena events for me.
Conversations are not normal for me. Even an hour long event produces a plethora of old and new thoughts, various feelings and mostly, reams of insight....in addition to nervous tension, anxiety, bits of euphoria and tempered understanding.
So I met with this other Aspie... The only other one I know who is not in denial, aware of his condition and freely talks about it.
I found it very interesting. It's like, to coin an old phrase, we were very much on the same wavelength. It's like....the feel of it...is very much like finding a long lost relative...an immediate connection that is unmistakable and bright. The air changed.....it wasn't me vs him, it was an unspoken kinship....argh, still not right....it's like he walked in one door, I walked in another and we sat at the same table and wanted the same food....and we used our utensils the same way. And neither one of us was a wierdy.
A number of things struck me. One, I did kind of have to...adjust what I said. My AspieSpeak is very rusty and hasn't been used much. And it was very much like two young, impulsive, erratic teenagers getting together for lunch.
I made a number of comparisons, which .....probably jumped to a number of very biased conclusions or assumptions based on my small pool of candidates, and experiences....anyway...I marveled at his ease of verbalizing yet once again. We had meet once previously and I marveled then, too. I think my verbal abilities are quite...different and less...more of a struggle.
He never flinched..when I would get up or move around which makes me wonder how much of my physical/sexual abuse trauma reactions have carried over into my adult life or if it's where I am on the spectrum.
I liked his androgyny which is extremely similar to mine. It wasn't like he was a he and I was a she...it was just two peoples, two Aspies, two homogenous aliens. I liked the way he exhibited similar characteristics....the way he moved his hands when he talked, went off on very cool tangents and freely said what was on his mind..his irks are also my irks and such.
We are working on getting an Adult Aspie group going and I would really like to see this come to fruition. I think I would benefit by being exposed to my own kind.
Funny, my visual thinking exploded as we talked and afterwards. I thought in pictures twenty times more than I usually do...which did amaze me. So I am hoping we can get the group up and running and hang out more often. It is of benefit to me.
I'm really wondering about my low self-esteem these days and how to work that to a better state of being. My wound has finally healed. In my minds eye, I see it no more, so that is a big positive. I want to get back out to my horses but am torn between that and continuing this solitary road of self-discovery that I have fallen, face first, upon.
I have found a number of odd, little things that I like and that delight me....I love to sit on the floor and rock, stare out windows at the sky and tree tops, eat burger/ ricotta/ mozzarella heated up meals, painting and creating little cool things, engaging me spouse in small talk, big talk and banter, hanging out with little dude and discussing the virtues of various Pokemon, I like solitude but not loneliness.....I like to know someone is out there, close by, I like to hide under blankets and engage in deep, prophetic dreaming or that very cool, peaceful half-awake state where I ponder, I have about half a dozen subjects I would plum the depths of..if I had the time....just saw a show on Rapa-Nui and the Easter Island statues that was very cool, I have a book I would like to read about how not to get lost outdoors...sounds intriguing...I'm a little nervous about this Christmas trip to visit family.....ahhh, I really got into this temporary stress-free livin and likin it.
I want to keep scouring the inet for research on other Aspie groups...
I've actually been enjoying this solitude...having my own space to rest, play and catch up on sleep and dreams.
Whilst I like this new career choice of being a very good recluse...I understand all good things must come to an end....the real world don't excite me much...not much at all...but it hasn't gone away...it's still there beckoning...knocking......
It's just plain hard...to throw ones self to the wolves. I know the anxiety and stress of walking out that front door where pain can lurk and await around an unsuspecting corner....and I don't want to and you can't make me.
If only it were easy...if only it didn't hurt...I would be more willing to deal with life outside my warm, cozy bunker. Ahhh, the dilemma of it all....my anxiety rises even thinking about venturing out......hmmmmm
Where I go from here...I do not yet know. I must be back up to 50% at this point...that's what it feels like. Once I hit 100% well...then I will figure out some new parameters and find a direction. Right now I enjoy playing being me:)
Be good. Be Nice
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