I Am An Incest Survivor

*Strong Adult Content. Highly Disturbing and Graphic.*

Incest-sexual intercourse between persons too closely related to marry

Incest, the very word frightens people. No one likes to think that an adult would deliberately rape a child, especially their own offspring.

My father repeatedly raped me from the time I was five years old. Dads favorite form of sexual assault was anal rape, which he forced on me from the time I was five until my teenage years.

When it started, dad described it as a "special kind of game" that only I could play with him. There were prizes and rewards based on my behavior and outcome. I was his favorite, his special one that could satisfy him sexually as my mother never could. It was all trickery, deceit and manipulation of my small child self. I had no idea that it was wrong or immoral as this was my father, a person, the only person whom I loved and trusted. Why would he betray me and lead me astray?

I was sworn to secrecy....under penalty of death.

Dad made his point by unmercifully killing my pets in front of me.

He routinely tied me up, held me down and forced himself into my fragile body. I had no resources to fight him off.

I learned to dissociate, to leave my body at will and to numb myself to the incredible pain.

If I resisted, I was physically injured with a hand at my throat or a hard slap to the side of my head.

I was forced to perform oral sex on him, repeatedly, weekly, from the time I was five. I was often rewarded with money or treats for my performance.

I repressed the memories of the rapes, the incest, as long as possible. I had to appear normal. In my twenties I finally broke down....and memories started rushing to the forefront.

I moved away and completely disconnected from my biological family, save an accusatory letter to them. My father viciously denied what he did. My mother always supports whatever dad says. My nine siblings sided with my dad, as well. They thought I was just making it up.

Would someone give me one,nsolid reason why a child would make up stories about being raped? There are no reasons. They were just protecting the sole breadwinner and trying to keep their good catholic name clean. They cared not for me. I get that. They were protecting themselves.

My father lives still. He and my mother babysit their grandchildren. All of my siblings are fully aware that I accuse my father of sexually raping me when I was young...yet they disbelieve me and put their own precious children within his reach. This frightens me. And angers me. If they fail to care about me, so be it, but do not tempt a child rapist....do not allow this egregious harm to happen again. The statute of limitations is up...and they refuse to listen and believe.

The Incest, repeated rapes from my father have left me with a shattered psyche and numerous ailments. It's hard to trust anyone. It's almost impossible to like and feel good about myself. I suffer from chronic depression, nightmares and insomnia. I am full of fear, pain and anxiety. I have spent over fourteen years in therapy trying to feel okay about myself.

In the telling, is the truth

In the remembering and releasing is the healing.

Incest has no power over me.

I will continue to shatter taboo and speak openly and freely about my fathers incestuous behaviors.

I am not ashamed for what was done to me, when I was young and completely powerless.

I carry not the blame or shame. For I am now,and always have been, Completely Innocent.

An adult who rapes a child is the lowest, most vile criminal.

My father walks free. He is not behind bars.

I am the one who bears the scars and wounds...

And I Will Not Keep Quiet

I Will Continue To Shatter The Silence With The Truth

Incest Happens

And I Survived

First Impressions and Aspergers

Heads Up. If you know that you are going to meet someone with Aspergers for the very first time, heed my advice. Dress in comfortable clothes that give clues to your personality. Wear sensible and fun shoes, as Aspies spend a lot of time looking down. Bling it up. Adorn yourself with sparklies, jewelry, watches and bracelets, and something shiny at your neckline. Aspies love bling and it gives us a focal point other than your face.

Most importantly, wear the brightest, friendliest smile you can muster. The first impression you create, is the one that will forever stay with the Aspie. Make it a happy memory.

The Many Reasons I Sometimes Cannot Talk

In rethinking my post, "When I Cannot Speak", there are actually a multitude of reasons I am unable to utter a single word.

1) When I am in one of my autistic exhaustion shutdown modes,and I simply do not have the energy.

2) if I get very emotional, verbal center shuts down

3) sometimes I have two or three trains of thought vying to get out at once

4) I go selectively mute when overwhelmed with anxiety

5) I cannot pronounce words, names....for reasons unknown to me. Unusual proper people names that don't compute in my Aspie brain

6) words that can have sexual connotations, pleasure, s t i m, g r o i n. And words I consider gross....f e c e s, c r a p, v o m i t....sometimes I can say them, but rarely

7) I cannot pronounce words, Not already in my mental dictionary, like acacia as an example, properly unless I hear someone say it and then consciously write out the word in my head.

8) when younger, non-verbal or mute parts of myself are fully present

Verbalizing...well, it's very complicated

The Most Important Thing I Wish People Would Understand About My Autism

....is that I am giving 110% , 100% of the time. Simple tasks often involve Enormous Effort. I am probably the most honest person that you will ever meet...in your lifetime. I fake Nothing. I manipulate no one. Please believe what I am trying to say to you. That's all I ask.

Case in point, funny, sad but true. I was invited onto my friends boat, the other day. I saw my friend descend this ladder and easily hop on. I got stuck and stymied. I stood there. I had difficulty figuring out exactly how to turn my body and go down this ladder And step upon this boat that was visibly moving...swaying...in the water. Visually, it was daunting...the descent, not being able to see where I was going and stepping onto a new, strange moving object. Oh, I was sure I would end up in the water. This whole, relatively simple experience put my autistic mind into a tailspin. After standing there...I asked for help and with difficulty managed to accomplish this.

I am, very honestly, doing the very best that I can with what I have got.

Aspergers Communication 101

Communication, like everything else in my life, is a complexity. I'll try and narrow down the highlights of the communication challenge:

I have to figure out exactly what I want to convey, find the right words and put them in order so I may be understood.

Two, I have to decide whether what I want to say, is appropriate.

Three, I have to casually scan, search, for the right time to verbalize, watching for lips to stop moving, pauses in the other persons speech and some good guessing that it is my turn to speak.

Four, lol, I have to actually speak the words and sentences that I have been holding in wait, in my brain.

Sounds easy, doesn't it? It's weird how the simplest, everyday things, no one ever thinks or worries about causes great stress for this Aspie.

People write blogs for different reasons. Me, I write so people hear me....so my thoughts are finally expressed...my blog listens and makes me real:)

Aspergers, Employment and Reality

Well, I sat down with a friend of mine, who knows me extremely well and understands autism. She confirmed my current train of thought. I don't believe that I could ever hold a full time job due to my autism.

Hmm, in my late forties and finally seeing the full picture.

Even a short term, part time job is questionable due to my shutdowns, emotional....upheavals and selective mutism.

It's a...challenging piece of reality. This is how I will always be. Unless an ideal job comes along...I don't have the ability to retain sustainable employment.

I'm still processing this info. I don't know, the fallacy was fun...that I could get a job. Hmm, time for that harsh reality check.

I will...always require human assistance in understanding basic, everyday things and situations. I will always be fifty cents short of a dollar. This is more challenging then the former as I must interact with nts. Nts are not the most trustworthy of individuals. I find, overall, their moral code to be subpar. Yikes, I'm not trying to be prejudicial, but I have run in to too many nts that lie with alarming regularity. Trust of Aspie to nt......yikes.

How many people have I trusted...well, actually, I can think of three or four at this moment, people nts that I currently know. Hmmm, those few bad apples really do spoil the sauce. My apologies nts. Some Do have acceptable and admirable morals. Sorry I jumped to judgement.

So, I will always have to rely on others....to stay in touch with everyday reality, that is.

Hmm, I was going to write more...but those two items right there will keep me up nights...processing

It'll be ok

A Down Day

On the upside, I had my first decent night of sleeping in, like, forever. I honestly cannot remember the last time I slept for many hours comfortably. I tried my new med and boy, did it feel like a piece of heaven. It was, pardon me if I sound like a heroin addict here, like a gentle slide into a warm, quiet, comforting, safe place. My incessant, rambling mind sllooowwweeedddd way down. All my bothersome aches and body pains evaporated. I was left in the most pleasing of states. So I slept.

Then my day...the aches and digestive discomforts return. The weather is oppressive, hot and stifling...so I go out and mow the lawn. Yep, one of those people who doesn't realize she should come in out of the rain, as it were. Aw, I just don't like feeling useless. I tolerated that for a short spell and it took me out f the running for going to church tonight as I've become somewhat listless and overwhelmed with fatigue.

So I'm laying here, in my room, cleaning up my iPad, drifting off into space, mulling over possibilities and such. Pretty damn useless.

I know there are two items to be done this week, one with therapist and one with my friend. Two main components to my plan for better health. Oh, three, have that lab work done on Monday.

It's hard to see clearly with foggy lens. My autism colors and shades every decision I make. I wish I could trust my autistic self. Hmfp, that sounds like a huge core issue. Like something I always wrestle with but can never pin down.

How can an autistic trust herself? Ever?