Living with Selective Mutism

I'm not sure why I am fascinated and afflicted with the most unusual....of subjects and ailments.
I googled "living with selective mutism (SM) " and got nothing but tips for parents and possible "cures".
SM affects more than children. I was just looking for more info on adult SM and ways to cope.
When I'm in SM, everything is different, inside my head and my interpretations of the outside world. I was searching for others who experience this...I found none.
When I'm in mute mode, it's like the verbal part of my brain becomes isolated and shut off. Thoughts don't form and twirl around, those incessant thoughts and trains of my autism. Everything slows wayway down. I become apathetic, as I am propelled two steps more removed from "reality".
SM feels both powerful and completely helpless at the same time. Powerful, in that, it feels like I have a heavy insulated blanket completely wrapped around me. I am insulated, impervious to the outside. No one can hurt me from deep inside. Helpless because I cannot control it and verbally defend myself.
I read that someone wrote "autistics are not born with the ability to use language....but high-functioning autistics Learn how to speak." This has been my theory all along, that speaking is a second language, my first one being silence.
In SM, ....sigh....it's somewhat comforting because it feels like home, my natural, native state of being. I Love Home.  But in this verbal world where words are wielded like weapons, tools and jokes, I cannot stay in my comfortable home. No, everyday I must pick up sword and shield and fight my way through.
I've been speaking. I saw my therapist today and we talked...well, she talked, I wrote and some things made sense. I still feel more SM than naught. I continue to feel numb and slow in the head. Nothing seems worthy of saying, but I'm pushing through and forcing words out with moderate to severe effort.  It's exhausting. Once again, I'm reminded that all that is pleasant and comfortable, I must shun and leave in for "others" and to not be ostracized. I'm reminded that I am but a simple, sad, alien visiting a most strange and foreign place.

It is sad and depressing...that all that I was born with....is looked upon as a curse, an illness, a menal condition to be fixed, cured and taught to shun, to give up in order to function and fit in. In a way, when I awake to others or walk out the door into society, I have to forgo my truest self and innate abilities and gifts.
The autistic mute is unacceptable outside these four walls....or around others.
I feel like such an outcast.
I have to deny myself every single day. And I'm not happy about it. Methinks it is a reality suck.
There is soooo much wrong with this picture....but I believe it to be true. No wonder sadness follows me so close. And, it shall always be this way. I cannot see that anything will change. I shall always have to force myself to talk. I shall always shun....the greatest, most important and holy part of who I am...for the sake of these around me.
No, Virginia, life is Not fair.
Amen

Happiness

I'm pretty convinced that happiness will always happen in fleeting, minuscule glimpses....that it shall never occupy a majority...that it is the perpetual swiftly moving cloud I race after to no avail.
Some things I can change...others I can not.....seems the latter grows larger day by day, occupying more and more of the ticking clock with fallen, heavy hands.
How long have I searched, empty caves and caverns deep, only to sense the growing abyss.
Fairness is like the muck that gets stuck in the crevices of your boot.
I throw up my hands and stand in the twister. Despair is the small creature beside me that keeps me warm.
Some things...I will not win, so I will no longer try. Resignation is a soft pillow, in a quiet room, with the door tightly shut.

When I was an autistic child....

I was undiagnosed. I believed what adults told me regarding my behavior. I believed that I was "rude", "belligerent", "disrespectful", self-centered, thoughtless and inconsiderate. And All the times i was scolded for not listening or paying attention to what i was doing. I had no awareness that my behavior was due to an undiagnosed developmental disorder. I really thought I was rude and inconsiderate. As a child, I trusted and believed the adults around me.
I carried these mistaken beliefs through my entire childhood, the teen years and all the way until I was in my late forties. Now, at this point in time, with a new awareness of my autism, I can look back and say, OMG!
I wasn't the mean-spirited child that I was proclaimed to be. I wasn't the kid that needed daily slappings and punishment. I was, in actuality, an overly sensitive, over looked Aspie.
I really thought that all my nonverbal behavior was within my control, even though I tried my damnedest, I was sure that I was not speaking out of disrespect or downright bad behavior on my part.
I look back with a tear and a laugh. It seems so ridiculous from my current vantage point.
Wow, that's a lot of info to absorb...just wow.
I wasn't mean, bad, cruel, unthoughtful....hmmmmm. I was just autistic. An autistic child, who more than anything, desperately needed understand, kindness and extra help processing life's confusing events.
I was so lost in the everyday confusion of home life and school. I look back at the very sad self that I was. I needed help and I could not ask for it. God, did I need help.
I see now, some of the mistaken beliefs that have shaped me and that I have carried with me as truths.
It takes me awhile to process new info, especially info this big. Time to think about it. I'll get back to you in a few:)

Leaving Reality, Being Multi Directional, Aspergers and Abuse

I spend a fair amount of time leaving reality. Until recently, I didn't realize that I have spent my life "leaving" in two different directions.
I dissociate, I leave my body in an outward direction And I'm autistic retreating inward. Dissociate Out, Autistic In. Obviously, I am either very talented or very confused or just very messed up.
Talk about push me, pull me.


I've been more in touch with my inner world. It's reallyreally nice there. I pretty much question and rebel at anything outside of my self. Seems I find what I need within. The peace, comfort and lack of stress is phenomenal and unmatched anywhere else. It's kinda the natural state I was born into and equipped to deal with. We all have natural gifts and abilities, special places and special people we are at ease with. I'm finding my comfort zone.
I think I'm just reveling in this new found small and personal arena. At some point I'll look for more balance between being involved in the outside and finding comfort within. Helluva trade off. It's a no-brainer.