I was undiagnosed. I believed what adults told me regarding my behavior. I believed that I was "rude", "belligerent", "disrespectful", self-centered, thoughtless and inconsiderate. And All the times i was scolded for not listening or paying attention to what i was doing. I had no awareness that my behavior was due to an undiagnosed developmental disorder. I really thought I was rude and inconsiderate. As a child, I trusted and believed the adults around me.
I carried these mistaken beliefs through my entire childhood, the teen years and all the way until I was in my late forties. Now, at this point in time, with a new awareness of my autism, I can look back and say, OMG!
I wasn't the mean-spirited child that I was proclaimed to be. I wasn't the kid that needed daily slappings and punishment. I was, in actuality, an overly sensitive, over looked Aspie.
I really thought that all my nonverbal behavior was within my control, even though I tried my damnedest, I was sure that I was not speaking out of disrespect or downright bad behavior on my part.
I look back with a tear and a laugh. It seems so ridiculous from my current vantage point.
Wow, that's a lot of info to absorb...just wow.
I wasn't mean, bad, cruel, unthoughtful....hmmmmm. I was just autistic. An autistic child, who more than anything, desperately needed understand, kindness and extra help processing life's confusing events.
I was so lost in the everyday confusion of home life and school. I look back at the very sad self that I was. I needed help and I could not ask for it. God, did I need help.
I see now, some of the mistaken beliefs that have shaped me and that I have carried with me as truths.
It takes me awhile to process new info, especially info this big. Time to think about it. I'll get back to you in a few:)
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