My regular psychotherapy continues to progress. I'm feeling more stable, less anxious, started to trust myself more and maybe feeling a bit like trying this trust thing with others. I continue to have flashbacks with somatic/ physical symptoms. Last week I had uncontrollable, intense hunger for days and I didn't know why. During therapy, I discovered that my dad used to ....TRIGGER Alert!!!!! force me into performing sex acts with another child. And he would pay me in candy And often require me to do these acts when I was starving, thus I would be more inclined to do exactly what he wanted. It was a perpetrators tool. He used my hunger, with food as a reward to get me to do foul things that went completely against my nature. Once I was able to talk to my therapist about it, the unrelenting hunger went away.
I can't decide whether I envy the other children my dad sexually abused, you know, the ones that have "forgotten", denied and surpressed ther memories of the abuse. I know who they are. I was there. Yet, I'm the only one remembering, dealing and openly talking about it. Yes, it would be nice having validation....but I have to respect where other victims are in their lives, recovery and reality. Maybe acknowledging the truth would be too devastating for them to handle. I cannot judge them. I'm only responsible for my own healing and helping others who are speaking out and dealing.
I adore my therapist. I really do. It isn't often I find someone that I can work with so closely, intimately, sharing my deepest, darkest pain. The past two months have been a living hell of dredging and emoting, violently, intensly, a plethora of long-held, hidden secrets and pain. I'm starting to feel some relief, some benefit, from the work I've been doing with her and within myself.
I keep surprising myself by making good, healthy, spontaneous decisions. I'm starting to honor, like and respect myself. I'm learning to have fun and what fun is. Fun is a heart spark. I actually feel it, nowadays. Previously, I would engage in activities and things that I enjoyed, but being chock full of anxiety robbed me of the ability to actually feel good, to feel light-hearted and fun. In a sense, and I know this must sound strange, I am just now learning to have fun. I'm figuring out what anuses me and what makes me happy. Oh, another new feeling word in my vocabulary. I'm having moments where I actually feel happy. Happy is like a heart smile.
I'm so grateful for my family. I see them as such wonderful, loving people in my life. I'm starting to feel less defensive, letting down some walls, getting out of my tornadic, enclosed chaos and seeing their beauty and love. I think I'm becoming more conscientious of their needs and I'm working on bettering relationships with each family member.
I'm starting to be less afraid of saying what I feel. It's baby steps because I still feel quite naked and vulnerable without armor. So I do try and take it slow.
I've been working, playing really, on my art again. It bothers me that everyone does not know I am an artist. I need to change that. Art is a big, visual, intergal part of who I am. It's part of my identity that I allow others to see. Must work more on getting my art out there.
I'm reading again! I find that I am especially drawn to historical fiction. I recently stumbled upon "Seed of Mischief" by Willa Gibbs. It's exciting, enthralling. What a gem! I'm having a hard time putting it down. Beautifully written. Another new thing for me, enjoying a good book and having the patience and focus to sit and read!
Lots of positives! Just wanted to share:)