I rarely laugh spontaneously. I caught myself laughing out loud as my silly puppy was attacking the water flowing out of the hose with vigor. She was getting herself completely soaking wet and it was hilarious.
A couple of days ago, I bought myself the new Lego Jurassic Park game and started playing. It reminded me of the first time I had ever seen a Lego game...firing at something and it bursting, breaking into small Lego pieces. It was at my friend, Amy's house and I could not stop laughing. I miss Amy. She moved away. One of the really fantastic friends I've ever had.
Laughter is an emotional response that is rarely natural for me. And, quite honestly, I have difficulty controlling the loudness, the timber of my voice. I've been told more than once to quiet down, or I remember the times I couldn't stop laughing and hurt someone's feelings in retrospect.
Maybe part of it is that I don't often get the jokes being told. Or I'm quite serious and find few things funny. I seem to notice if someone's laughing it's oft at someone else's expense. A lot of "humor" is deprecating and malicious. Yeah, I see things from a unique perspective.
Aspergers seems to feel like a very self-contained...wanting to self-control as much emotion as possible. Sigh, it feels like I've been put down and made fun of for my used-to-be spontaneous Outbursts of glee, extreme happiness and raucous laughter.
Hearing myself laugh...was foreign, odd. Maybe it was easier because I was alone with my puppy and no one else was around. It sounded..genuine, like from deep, down within myself in a place I had not tread.
Hmmm, fear, again rears it's ugly head. That perpetual, incessant fear of being made fun of and the remembrances of the hurt it caused me.
Sometimes it feels like Aspergers is trying to keep emotions, movements, words in check, 90% of the time. Quite disingenuous but socially acceptable. 10% of me is still free, uncontrollable and passionate. Not a healthy ratio by any means.
I'm spending a few days alone. I can only imagine what other intriguing bits of truth I'll find out about myself.
Be well
