Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing

I have periods of time where I am just an empty, nonthinking shell. For some reason, this time around, it coincides with having a feverish cold. The past few days I've felt nothing, no feelings, emotions, drives. No hunger, thirst, just nothing. It's like the dead zone whereby I'm unmoved and unaffected by anything. I have nothing to do or so.
I hate it when it's like this. Don't know when it's going to end.

She never had a chance really

Disconnected unable to convey all the mixed up stuff inside
Couldn't find a connection, an open station, a portal, a someone that could try and care, try and hear
She never had a chance, the cards always stacked against her or on the hands of madmen and thieves
Too many wicked got to her, took advantage and stole
She saw and heard the jokes, the grimaces, the weakness in her own character, the character flaws that perpetuated and drew in the sharks like blood in the water.
Could never find someone who could care behind the walls, across the distance that just kept expanding, widening
She wasn't one that someone could care about. She had always been too far gone
Couldn't find anyone to be sad when the words stopped.
No one noticed her silence, or were concerned about the reasons why
Hell, she didn't even know half the time
Either swim with the sharks amongst fear and bites, or just live alone, aimlessly on the island.
Living to avoid pain isn't much of a life
There were no dreams, nothing to wish for just the familiar emptiness that demanded and gave nothing
She wasn't someone anyone missed. She couldn't make the connections. No one knew she was gone
Words had no meaning when said in pity
No more desperation
No more try to search for a meaning that doesn't exist
It's not even sad anymore, just the usual emptiness of numb and no hurt, no drive, no ambition
It's nothing really...just nothing
She couldn't find anyone to simply hold her hand and let her be her
No one could see

Growing up abused, neglected Light Poetry "The Candy Jar"

Photo Art, Composition at 12:15am, and thoughts

Today turned out to be fairly productive even with this annoying summer cold. I'm feverish, achy all over, runny sinuses and feeling malaise. Lethargy keeps me from doing much of anything but the boy needed groceries and a trip to his therapist. I somehow managed to get necessities completed.
I anxiously await getting my new prescription glasses. The drugstore reading glasses severely limit the times that I can write and read. I have almost constant eyestrain and slight dizziness these days.
I'm realizing that happiness is a choice!! It's similar to gratitude, being able to see all that is Sunnyside up and the half full glass.
I've decided to be nicer to myself. Hmmm, that's a big mental change that will take some getting used to.
I'm trying to just be me, lol, generally speaking. There is no one to impress or try to please. It's just me. I don't need to fix my hair a certain way or dress as I want others to see me, anymore.
My youngest seems to be pushing me away to make it easier to transition from living with me to spending his first time away from me for the summer. He's combative, bossy and probably has a ton of mixed feelings regarding this transition. It's got to be scary, exciting and overwhelming for him. I get that and I'm trying to keep his emotional state in mind.
In a couple of weeks, it'll just be me and the pup for 2 months. My autistic brain cannot predict how I will react to such a dramatic, completely new scenario.
I'll keep ya posted.

My goals are simple, needs are few...the dichotomy

I'm currently experiencing my own dichotomy and seeing everything as having two distinct, opposite sides. I can't help but wonder if the right and left hemispheres of my brain are exploring the once invisible middle ground.
Internally, I am this complex, introspective party of clowns, mimes and ringmasters frantically fighting to keep the show going on, both forward in the real world, as well as backward trying to make sense of startling flashback memories. It's sometimes a tug of war with bystanders and a pit of mud in the middle.
In a very real sense, I have one foot in each world and I can finally stand in middle ground and see both sides...confusing, yes.
Externally, my needs and wants are simple and few. I want a safe, non-threatening environment where I can be myself. I require a comfortable bed with clean sheets and soft blankies. I need just enough food in the fridge so that the starving sensation doesn't throw me into a panic. I desire to have my enough steady income so my needs are met. The SSD coming through, being approved would help that aspect. I crave a gentle, honest, kind and freely affectionate girlfriend who enjoys my company. Simple, right?
Thus I have complex versus simple.
I want to balance these two opposing worlds of living in the past, retro therapy vs. functioning  and being present. Funny, previously i could see only one side or the other. No wonder I feel confusion as I've never had access to such a full view before. It makes sense that my direction is All Stop. Amazing how a little writing can provide me with much needed perspective.
Is it just Me? Or does talking and writing bring about answers? What a small gift with such a huge impact. Must write more often...note to self.
I'm sitting on a fence post..no, rather I'm straddling it and can see both sides for once. It's hard to make heads or tails of things when you see both sides as it's continually flipping in the air.
My life will change shortly, as my youngest goes away for the summer. Both the positive and negative stand in front of me. I can make no choice as to which one will weigh in stronger. They are equal in their own right even though I'm stymied as.....sure things are black and some things are white..like equality, like indecision. Stalemate. Hmmm.
What an odd place to find my self. Being able to acknowledge, sense and see both sides. I cannot weigh in. Opinions are now vague...or fugue..or mute...or nonsense....
Funny, it's starting to make sense this inner wandering. What a strange and new place.

Feeling like Primordial Soup

I've been honoring my state of near exhaustion from overscheduling and not enough down time, trying to avoid the full blown, muted shutdown. Medical appointments and important, stressful events outweighed and overwhelmed my existence these past two weeks.
It's weird, I oscillating between the highly functional, intelligent and capable adult versus the CHM, CPTSD, Autistic juvenile. It feels like primodial ooze just fermenting, pondering and questioning it's own existence and meaning. I've lost myself to the ravages of dealing with bureaucracy, medical needs and have-to-dos. I can't even think straight much less amuse myself and do things I enjoy. I kinda stop being for a bit...waiting...patiently...not...for my energy to return instead of this limbo lethargy.
Therapy...eh..i don't know...guess it's okay. The list of errands that can't be put off continues to grow, weighing heavily upon my malingering state.
It's a state of almost numb and slowed thought processes. It feels kinda like helplessness in that I can't do anything to change its course. I just have to wait it out.
My wrist is starting to feel better, less painful and a small amount of flexion. The need for pain medication, my ibuprofen has definitely dropped and I no longer require a stiff drink to escape the discomforting pain. It's manageable with signs of improvement.
It feels like lost, bogged down by fog and nothing exists beyond the front door. Like everything else, I'm aware it's temporary...without a concrete timetable.
So often...there are no answers...no help outside of my self. Just a nother day

Dating, Existence and the Meaning of Life

A couple observations regarding my recent adventure into dating. 1) I require an educated woman with intellect. There is no getting around how truly awful it is to be on a date with someone I can't carry a conversation with. 2) I'm surprised and thrilled at how attractive the women are that I've been out with. Well, I guess I'm not counting the one that airbrushed her 10 year old photos and lied about her age and occupation. She was rather tragic. 3) I get highly excited and optimistic on the first date. The second and third dates allow me to see the person in a more realistic light. Good to know!!! 4) it's much harder to get a woman into bed than it is a man, lol!!!! Woman want to build a relationship on a much slower basis. I'm not talking about sex, per se, rather physical intimacy.  5) Finding a woman that has free time and isn't working is difficult. I don't want someone that I can only see once every weekend.
It's definitely interesting, this dating thing. I'm learning more about myself and what works for me as well as figuring out others on a one on one basis. Some people aren't looking or emotionally ready for a relationship. Finding someone emotionally healthy is highly important.
I am having fun. Dating is proving to be enlightening, fun and an exercise in introspection and value fine tuning. I am having a great time!!!

Do what is right

It isn't always easy being a mature adult. Sometimes we have to put aside our impulses, needs and wants in favor of doing the right best thing.
I wanted to spend the day at the beach tomorrow. I'd been planning it for weeks. However, this past week proved to be filled with unexpected and much needed appointments, mostly with doctors and therapists. Bills had to be paid, food bought and there was the unanticipated and wonderful date night.
I know that I have a limit, an autistic unavoidable limit whereby I shutdown and become incapacitated if I don't have enough down time. I looked at my calender for next week and I have 3 vital appointments to keep. In order to avoid the shutdown possibility, I need to stop doing all unnecessary activities and rest as much as I possibly can.
It isn't the choice I want to make and I've struggled with it throughout the day. Logically, with great awareness of my abilities and obligations...regrettably I must cancel my playtime plans for tomorrow. I'll reschedule a day for myself once I get my injured wrist taken care of.
One of my main events of this past week was getting up bright and early, meeting a friend at the hospital, being injected with dye and having a wrist arthrogram/ MRI done. Oy!!!
I did excellent throughout the procedure but when the lidocaine wore off, Holy Cow, I was dizzy with pain.
Today, at my family doctors office, she told me I had no broken bones but I do definitely have some ligament damage. Can we say "surgery is in my near future" in addition to a lengthy recuperation period complete with physical therapy? That's what I'm looking at based on superficial research. It's okay. I'll be fine. I just need to tone down my schedule a bit. Maybe less dates, more downtime and time to organize the apartment for an easier recovery.
I see my ortho guy on Monday and will find out the extent of damage and methods of treatment. Tuesday, another huge day with my long awaited Social Security appeal hearing. Wednesday is my therapy. Thursday is my son's therapy thus next week is just a little less full than last week.
Seriously, I need major rest, major downtime.
Life Is Good. I have no complaints. I believe in doing the right thing!

The Best Beach on the Oregon Coast...Bandon

So far, in my travels along the Beautiful Oregon Coast, Bandon Beach and Face Rock have proven to be my favorite. Beach Loop road provides a number of ocean access points with ample parking. The paths, stairways to the beach are fairly easy to walk and well maintained.

Once on the beach, the plethora of large rock formations is simply stunning, as the monoliths vary in color and texture. Some of the large rocks sport a cascade of growing plants that appear to grow with nothing more then sea air and rock. We located a couple of caves and were quite cautious and aware of the ebbing tide as we briefly explored. 

The ocean flowing around the rocks left small tidal pools and a collection of barnacles and limped. Even though there were dozens of ocean goers, it never felt crowded due to the width and breadth of the sand. It felt like being in a secluded alcove complete with gentle, rolling eaves.

It is my favorite beach!!! Living three hours away, I wish I could go more often. It truly is a treasure!!