I belong alone, within, in my home. I'm dealing with the after effects of being triggered and emotionally overwhelmed due to an incident Tuesday night at a movie theater. I'm realizing the importance of having a safe place to withdraw, to hide, protect myself while I destress from some truly awful, unsettling experiences. I know I'm going to need some time to recover. Don't know how long, but I'll take it one day at a time and monitor how my body, mind and heart feel each day before venturing out into the jungle.
I feel lost and small, constantly on the verge of tears. I'm unsteady, shaken and swimming in low self-esteem.
What's happened... I attempted to join an autistic group only to find that it surely wasn't for me. The outing was an ordinary R-rated movie that was filled with horrific screaming and grotesque scenes. I'm horrified. The sounds triggered memories of torture and disturbed my fragile soul. Being amongst others, I'd deemed it improper to leave. One of my problems being around others, especially unknown others, is taking action that I felt I needed to do. So, I couldn't leave. Couldn't put my fingers in my ears or show any signs of distress. Sigh. Childhood again. Helpless again. Overwhelmed and scared, again.
Haven't recovered yet. Just haven't.
It's these seemingly innocuous events that shock and propel me into regretting leaving the house. I never know when I'll be hurt, by sights, by sounds. It all feels so unsafe, out there, past the front door.
And right now, it is unsafe because I'm not put back together yet.
Try explaining that to the friend you're supposed to meet for lunch or while cancelling that appointment you'll get charged for and you've waited a month for.
The explanations are a secondary hardship to the first one of trying to process and get over the trigger. It's a double whammy.
My brain, nervous system, everything is overwhelmed. I'm on timeout and it's a good thing, a healthy thing and the only thing I can do right now.
I'll be okay again when I'm okay again. Whenever that may be.
Peace
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