I attended a party today. It was the first true social event, other than funerals, that I had been to in over a decade. Yes, a decade. I had a wonderful time interacting, having real conversations, with over half a dozen people over 2 hours.
I was so proud of myself. I didn't feel an ounce of anxiety or a single bolt of panic. I commended myself, feeling like I've reached a milestone I never thought I'd see.
A few hours later, autistic reality hits. Sure I spent about an hour flapping with a racing mind, but my distress simply grows.
My head is full of conversations, not just lying around repeating themselves and being analyzed, but fighting convos vying for attention, to be remembered and picked apart.
It's like fighting in my head and it hurts. My head hurts even after a couple of numbing drinks.
The flapping stopped, but my hands are clenching and my feet want to run. I'm near tears. Okay, I am in tears and I don't know exactly why. It's high distress, not a little discomfort. A pounding pain more than a dull ache.
I try to distract myself with television, music, video games but my head keeps pounding with the images, words, laughter and chitty chatty.
Im having difficulty calming down, dispersing the events of the party and finding solid ground again.
Okay, so in a way I did super well today. And in another way, its causing me great distress.
