Another Meltdown Day

Did I mention that I hate having meltdowns in front of my kid?

The day started off with me having the solitary chore of getting the blankets washed. The dog had made a mess and it needed to be done tootsweet. 

I drove to the laundromat that I had recently discovered and utilized three times before. Familiarity is a friend of mine.

As soon as I entered, things got wonky, out of sorts. A woman was emptying the coin machine and greeted me. I thought, okay, just a friendly employee making sure I'm not there to steal the coins. 

Ah, but no.

She looked at my blankets and told me that I could not use the washers I was familiar with. Instead I had to use the ones with a long list of operating instructions that were beyond my comprehension.

I stated that I didn't know how to operate those machines. Also mentioned that I'm Autistic and couldn't figure them out.

She said she was there and could help me. She immediately proceeded to explain things to me much too fast. I was lost and unable to follow her at all.

I could feel the tears of confusion welling up. She was continuing her snide rant. I said I needed to go home.

She reiterated in her holier than though, why can't you understand me voice, "I'm Right here!"

I felt like such an idiot. I was unable to ask her to slow down or to repeat. My head was all a jumble and I just needed to escape her before I started crying.

I busted out the door and ran to the car. Wearing a mask allows me to curse and mutter and berate myself and curse at that bitch and fuck being Autistic and my inability to do simple things without great pain.

I was so hurt.

I was just so hurt and mad at myself for failing a simple task.

What a weenie. What an ass. What a fucking retard I am.

I had to complete my chore. So I tried a new laundromat which was pretty risky given my minor melting. But I did it. Interacted with the attendant who was actually really kind. These new machines were simple, like me.

I remembered my Xanax in the car. Took one because I was destabilized. It helped just enough for me to get my goddam laundry done and get home.

Off and on for hours, I'd just break out sobbing meltdown style.

My kid came home from school and asked me about my day. I fucking hate crying in front of my kid like that although he is always sympathetic and understanding.

My days are now relegated by my emotions. The meltdown will pass with meds, time and staying home.

After returning home with the laundry, to add insult to my injury, someones dog got loose and ran to my little dog and me scaring the bejeezus out of me. I didn't expect it. Didn't know if the dog would attack. I scooped up my 12 pound Rosebud and practically ran home, muttering and sputtering, vowing to not leave the house unless absolutely necessary. 

The outside world was too much. Too much unpredictability. Too much hurt. Enough. I was overwhelmed. 

Some days seriously suck.

Today was one of them.

Some days I hate being Autistic.