Having no family or friends nearby, the simple act of going to someone else's home to chat or be entertained is highly anomalous. I think that in the five years that I have lived in this new home city, that I may have been inside the homes of maybe 5 or 6 acquaintances. Being a recluse and free from overwhelm and distress is my main goal in life. Attempting to make a friend is a secondary and worthwhile goal that I engage in sporadically when I am feeling strong, for lack of a better word. In that vein I have enlisted the aid of a social media site mainly geared towards dating and singles but I worded my intentions in my profile to state that i am seeking friends first.
I feel quite fortunate to have stumbled onto a most unique woman who was looing for the same, a companion and friend more than a sexual tryst. Lisa is the first person I have met and been able to easily get along with. We are of the same height, body build and we speak in the same tone. It is as if I have found one of those humans, those rare humans, that exists on the same vibrational frequency as me. If I were to readily recall the number of other humans with which I have felt and experienced this, I think that number would be three.
I'm not overly nervous or anxious around her. I do not fear for my safety which is especially positive. We started out by going on adventures together, traveling companions which I desperately sought. Our interests and backgrounds are freakishly similar as well. By our third get together, she invited me over to her house to do a project together. This was just last week, so quite a recent event. I was sitting in the living room of her house for no more than twenty minutes before I felt the familiar pangs of a foreboding panic attack. I have developed a number of coping methods to potentially utilize whenever such an occurrence may appear. Politely, I excused myself under the false pretense of "getting a necessary item" from my vehicle. Once there, I flipped open the glove compartment box and secured one of my anti-anxiety medications that I placed there. A swallow and a sip later, I knew that I was only twenty minutes away from feeling some relief.
I had to continually give myself positive, encouraging messages. Telling myself that i was perfectly safe, that I could leave whenever I wanted and that I would feel less nervous shortly. In the interim I made careful inspection of the room I was in distractably noting where each plant and bauble was placed. I marveled at my acquaintances ability to organize and keep such a tidy house. Mine own home is a creative nest filled with an array of projects, art supplies and erratic stacks of books and toy horses. The home itself felt, dare I say cozy and unpretentious with a spacious, open living area and dining room resplendent with an array of sunshine gathering windows.
I was able to hang out at my friends for more than an hour. To be honest, I failed to notice when my anxiety shut off completely. It was a natural, medication induced progression without hallmark.
I am grateful that I have such medication. And I am extremely proud of myself for riding out the anxiety storm that abruptly appeared like that. I never know if or when anxiety and panic will ensue. I am optimistic that the next time I get invited over, that I will be more acclimated to the environment and maybe I will not require medication intervention. The meds are always there though if necessary.
One more new thing successfully completed. My attempts at gaining a friend continue.
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