I feel like a failure

Because my car battery blew up and left me stranded 10 miles out of town, in the middle of the road, on a bridge over dying water. The sound of the explosion as I turned the ignition on, was like a gunshot fired from a stray hunter's gun stopping me dead in my tracks. 

The cloud burst of tears. In panic and desperation breath, I called the emergency contact that I had trusted for over 25 years.

Hush, hush.

I feel like a failure because I had to ask for financial help with the 226$ tow bill and the 356$ repair that my monthly 900$ disability payment could not afford. Disability because I am and have been unable to work due to Multiple Personality Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Disorder from a childhood, teenhood spent surviving weekly incest and monthly bouts of being sold as a child prostitute to groups of men.

Owning a car seems like a luxury reserved for the able bodied, the unabused and those survivors stronger than I.

I feel like a failure because I had to ask people to sacrifice their hard earned incomes for the sorry likes of me.

What did I do to deserve this?

I feel bad that I am getting help. I'm grateful but I feel like a heel.

I'm sorry I'm not better equipped to live my life in a fulfilling manner.

Forgive me.

Sometimes I need help.

You can live without love

You can live completely alone without anyone to love you. No hugs. No one to hold your hand. No one to care that you've been in bed all day. No "I love yous" in words, eyes or smile.

It can be done. 

Love is overrated.

Or, rather, unobtainable. 

You can live without it if that's just the way it is.

And you can grow up without a parent to love you, to care, to hold and make the bad stuff all go away.

Love is probably great, if you can get it.

Exciting, Excitement a new emotion identified and felt

I have found myself saying that I feel excited. When I published my book, talked about giving it to someone, and now, as I watch NFL football for the first time this year.

I feel excited. My facial expressions and accompanying gestures outwardly express it, too.

It's a new emotion for me to identify and exhibit. It's a "whole body emotion" that I had never encountered before. It's funny, I started saying the word out loud and then I noticed how it felt. Next, I could feel my face express dramatically. Like every cell has a little spark, sparkle. The accompanying hand gestures are those crazy fist pumps in the air, or just arms shooting skyward.

I've been a very secluded, reserved person and this large, visible expression of emotion I have never experienced before.

So, I go to look for an image online, to use for this post, and I'm surprised they all have a unique facial expression I tried to describe, And and that crazy fist in the air!!!!

61 and still learning