Footsteps

It doesn't matter who is beside me, when I walk I only hear my own footsteps

Dejection...sigh...it's always going to be a roller coaster

I guess it's always going to be like this..small intervals of calm and happiness in betwixt times of everyday, stress of an Aspie existence fighting amongst the nt world. That's a depressing thought. It's like I have been on the ideal summer vacation and school starts up next week.

I want to shut all the doors and windows in a feeble attempt to eliminate this struggling strife. Really, I had no idea my mood could shift so quickly and in the opposite direction. Now I'm just whining.

I keep having to tell myself, trying to convince me, that not wanting to go isn't being bad. I'm not resisting because I'm selfish, rude or mean spirited....I just really don't want to put myself through the unnerving stress of such a gauntlet. When you see the flood waters rising, do you not head for high ground? Damn, I struggle here. This is so suddenly so upsetting. To write about something, yet again brings to surface all that I have held submerged, and held under foot, pushing it deep into the sand, denying it was there.

I stand with fists clenched together, gritting teeth.

I don't even leave for a week but I've already cut my feet on this razors edge.

IDK

Somehow have to find a way back away from this edge, back to a more comfortable spot, plateau. I have been in this position, prepping to go to places I dread, before. Didn't like it then, surely don't like it now.

Whine, whine and more whine. Yup, feeling sorry for myself. Trying to figure it all out. Venting frustration. Writing about that which I dare not say too loudly or at all. Invalidating my self, again. My thoughts and feelings Do matter, but so do those of peoples I care for.

No win, no win, no way

Shellbeeds

The seashells are mostly from our vacation in North Carolina a number of years back. Lots of hot glue, minor burns, glass beads, buttons and other pretties...for the garden or the home

Arting

This is a clay pot that is about 18 inches tall.

I finally have the big computer up and running. Time to upload some photos of the art I have been creating...

This started out as a rock, plain and simple. Its about seven inches by, maybe four and a half. I used hot glue, glass beads and baubles.

Art is my Life

Well, arting, creating, finding and caring for Younglink and Partner, in addition to passionate gardening, lawn care with a minor in friendly socialization.

The aforementioned have been my constant source of pleasure and joy.

I've befriended a hot glue gun...we be going steady for hours on end. However, there have been a number of "incidents" in which we were much too close. Here's the thing about hot glue guns.....if you have a dog...at some point, it will bark. Using a hot glue gun, one will get burned. Last night, I was using the hot glue gun the dumbwrong way. Some nasty burns have taught me to use it, the smart way. That, plus I need a new aloe plant. I went out and bought some healing burn cream, as I realize that it be a requirement to have it on hand...pun intended.

Anyway, my life is at a happy plateau....just wanted to share...smile :)

Original photo A.M. Murphy

Bare feet and Dirty Knees

My knees were dirty today. Anyone who knows me is well aware that the venture into summer and the "wearing of the shorts" is no mundane adventure. I rarely wear shorts. Last year, I think, was the first time that I wore them three or four times all season.

I actually had to go to the store and buy shorts, as I had none in my clothing closet. I am no fan of trying on clothes in stores. Used to be I felt it was time consuming, anxiety ridden and awkward. Now I realize that it is just something that needs doing. So I grabbed a few pairs off the shelf, took a number of deep breaths, slowed my self down and entered the dressing room.

I bought two pair. When I returned to the house, I further walked into unfamiliar territory, outside my zone of comfort, and changed into a pair Without even washing them first. Bold? Stupid? I was just plain hot.

Thus my story of why I am wearing dirty kneeS. I haven't even washed them off, don't plan to, it's a badge of courage:)

The other item of new adventures....I decided to walk barefoot allll the way around the yard, down the driveway and into the street. Rarely can I be found sans socks, much less minus me shoes. It felt incredibly strange. Grass is moist....kinda sticky. I could feel the very uneven texture of the lawn, the little divots here and there, along with remnants of buried acorns. Moss, plain dirt, thick and thin grass, all had a certain feel.

I walk very slow, as if on brand new, uncertain footing...only because it is a virginal experience for me. It's like buying new feet and a thousand new neurons. Oh, the feel of it all. The driveway was exceptionally rough and into the street, well, I was even slower as the loose pebbles poked, prodded and threw me off.

I can only imagine how strange I look to others, walking on these brand new feet. Too early to tell if I like it, but it seemed to be the right thing for me to do....experiencing the ground. Must process all the odd and strange sensations.

I'm doing a little work, putting some effort into being outside the box...trying new things:)

What Happiness Feels Like

No, you haven't come to the wrong blog.

Happiness feels like standing on a lushly grassy knoll, overlooking the flowering valley and the thatched-roofed cottages with small whisps of plushy smoke far below. The sky is the lightest, fairest of sunny blues with hints of clouds in the distance. It is perfectly warm with a casual breeze. My arms at my sides, fingers splayed, palms wide open facing forward. I wear my untucked paint shirt, jeans and stocking feet...still not used to that whole "barefooted" thingy.

My eyes are radiant, my heart filled with love and passion, my body warm, inviting and all mine.

My thoughts, ideas and feelings are my own. I carry a mental list of the various projects, steps, inventory and store list. All around my immediate self, I glow the prettiest of soft pinks.

I take off my socks....living dangerously, I feel the earth.

I am calm. I can hear and smell the ocean in the distance...not a storm in sight...clear skies:)