I want to shut all the doors and windows in a feeble attempt to eliminate this struggling strife. Really, I had no idea my mood could shift so quickly and in the opposite direction. Now I'm just whining.
I keep having to tell myself, trying to convince me, that not wanting to go isn't being bad. I'm not resisting because I'm selfish, rude or mean spirited....I just really don't want to put myself through the unnerving stress of such a gauntlet. When you see the flood waters rising, do you not head for high ground? Damn, I struggle here. This is so suddenly so upsetting. To write about something, yet again brings to surface all that I have held submerged, and held under foot, pushing it deep into the sand, denying it was there.
I stand with fists clenched together, gritting teeth.
I don't even leave for a week but I've already cut my feet on this razors edge.
Somehow have to find a way back away from this edge, back to a more comfortable spot, plateau. I have been in this position, prepping to go to places I dread, before. Didn't like it then, surely don't like it now.
Whine, whine and more whine. Yup, feeling sorry for myself. Trying to figure it all out. Venting frustration. Writing about that which I dare not say too loudly or at all. Invalidating my self, again. My thoughts and feelings Do matter, but so do those of peoples I care for.
No win, no win, no way