Being Raised in an Autistic Household...Environmental Autism

My 12 year old son is quite the neuro-typical, however, he displays an assortment of autistic characteristics due to having his mother and brother being on the spectrum.
Younglink is part genetic and autistic make-up. He is social, outgoing, excellent with speaking his mind, highly emotional and great with eye contact, all standard neuro-typical traits. In observing him with adults and other children, in addition to hearing about his difficulties in school, it has become clear that he has picked up the household autistic traits.
Younglink doesn't get jokes, understand pranks, comprehend sarcasm, read between the lines or take orders well. In a home where only the literal is spoken, my son isn't adept at understanding typical speech and phrases. He takes people at their word and gives them no room for error.
True, he was born on the highly emotional, sensitive side but he grew up without extended family to balance and show him what being neuro-typical is all about.
I can't apologize for what I can't change. My two kids grew up in a relative vacuum free of NT input or role models. We all march to the beat of out inner drum and autism dictates the beat.
I think Younglink's teachers will benefit by knowing that he has Environmental Autism. I know his Social Worker was quite enlightened with this revelation. EA is part of who my son is. If his teachers understand that I think they will have a better grasp on where he is coming from and why he reacts the way he does.
Knowledge is Power, my friend

Getting through the day

I can't find a word that comes close to how I'm feeling these days...maybe anxiously lost or just in desperate need of therapy.
I know what's broken but I can't seem to fix it myself. No sooner do I figure out how to put one wheel back on the ox cart I'm dragging then the other one falls off.
Guess I'm just keeping my shit together enough to get to my next appointment.
The damn rudder has broken off the boat, Again...and no shore in sight. Looks like a storm is brewing on the rapidly moving horizon. Tightening the screws and putting on the rough weather gear.
When I allow my censors to go down and I truly write what I'm thinking, it all comes out so....Aspie. I don't know. Do other autistics think and write visually, in metaphors?

Walking a Tight Rope

I watched the movie, "The Walk". It made me cry in that the onscreen terror mirrored what I feel inside each day.
Some people perform extraordinary feats wide open, out in public, whereas others, like myself, do marvelous feats every day that no one sees. Look at me here. How did I get through a day, a week, a month and the years of living with my parents?
There are no words to affix to such challenging, oh so not the right word, tumultuous circumstances that needed to be overcome regularly.
My feats of grandeur have never had an audience but I sure as hell feel like a victor.
To some childhood is this far off, foggy series of memories. I'm more in touch with my childhood, as it can recreate, replay bits and pieces in the blink of an eye. I don't know that I'll ever feel a degree of being removed or distant from childhood.
I watched all the meticulous planning for the "coupe", the main event and it reminded me of the forethought that goes into certain days or out of the house events. I found it exhausting to watch onscreen. No wonder I can tire easily.
I've discovered that I like being able to sleep. My new medication has given me this gift called "awakening refreshed." It is an odd feeling fer sure. I haven't quite gotten used to how it feels, as it is so foreign. The meds seem to calm my perennially agile mind. I feel more in my body at night, like I can sense where my skin touches the sheets or how my feet feel against the covers. Grounded, being grounded is way different. Kinda bizarre. I guess I didn't realize how far away, dissociative I have been.
The days seem longer, slower and have more hours to them. Time drags and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. My son keeps asking if I'm okay. He says I'm quiet and I'm guessing I don't look happy. Things weigh heavy on my mind.
It feels like I'm between things, in no-mans land.
I've noticed, just recently, how every event seems to be a precursor to the next. Things that appear bad or unfavorable turn out to be nothing more than the natural order of things. It's like I'm progressing down a prescribed path and my awareness of this path is growing.
Events don't always make sense when they happen but if I wait a bit, I'll see the whole picture.
I'm not sure where I'm moving to. There are forms that logically I should be filling out...but something inside just knows that this or that application doesn't need attention as it is not part of the path. There's this crazy innate wisdom that has a voice, or at least a strong presence, that leads me in specific direction. Maybe it's my own inner voice of reason, higher consciousness, spirit or soul. Can't say that I know what to call it. Awareness, paying attention to this subtle inner feel seems to be the True. I'm getting better at listening to myself these days. Bout damn time.

I Love This Saying❤

Waiting for Tomorrow

Not wanting to leave the house

If I allowed myself, I could easily find a reason Not to go out of the house. Each venture out brings the risk of coming in contact with stupid minds and overused, non-thinking mouths. Sorry, venting yet again another venture into the familiar woods of embarrassment and autismPTSD.

I had my yearly physical scheduled for today. Had I any insight into the fact that I would be in a highly sensory, body-memories at the surface kinda hypervigilance, I could have cancelled and rescheduled. It wasn't until I was talking with my Healthcare provider that I realized I was on high alert and riddled with anxiety.

To start things off, the medical assistant gave me a former to fill out as a screening for depression. Really? I didn't know taking a test would be involved. There were these weirdy, autistic unfriendly questions like...would you say you are unhappy with life 0, 1, 2, 3 or 4? And crazy shit like that. As If I could fucking think of my ever changing MPD states and if anyone has had a fucking positive feeling in the last six months. I never got past the first question before I gave up.

Then I forgot the undress, put on a gown instructions..go figure. So I went out and asked one of the other staff. Big mistake cause now I looked and felt like a loon, aka, crazy ass. When my provider finally arrives, it's like she wasn't this trusted person that I was familiar and friendly with...it felt like she was a stranger coming at my with...aw shit...strange, harmful, unknown tools. Okay, now I get it. This crap, this trigger directly relates to this week's therapy session and recent, very recent flashbacks. Shit, no wonder I was so fucking scared on her. She kept asking me to do strange, abnormal shit and I had to constantly protect myself and say "no" many times.

Okay, talking like that to an adult should've gotten me 10-20, or at least backhanded, smacked. Shit, it all makes sense now...

I didn't want anyone to touch me today. True, it is rather rare for me but aversion to any touch, much less someone with their hands on my throat and belly was extremely high.

Damn, how I suffer with these neuro-typical, inconsequential everyday bullshit, piddly-ass stuff. Argh! It felt like fucking torture. I'm sorry, it just did. I couldn't always see where her hands were and I really, really needed to see where they were At All Times. She was too slow or failed to walk me through what she was about to do. Double Argh! Victim mode was turned all the way up..and I couldn't tone it down. I couldn't speak up fast enough to get her to slow down and explain things to me, slloowwwllyyy. Failure, the flashing yellow light of yet another big fail in me against the world.

See, but the worst part, the degrading part had little to do with my provider. As I went to leave, at the receptionist desk, my provider asked if I wanted a hug. Like, umm, No, as I was on sensory-way-overload. 

Then, the receptionist says with a snort of derision, "humf, that was rude" implying that I Was Being Rude. Are you fucking kidding me, Bitch!!! Who gave her the fucking right to speak in judgement against my right to protect myself against sensory overload, meltdown and trigger? What the fuck, you condescending low-life bitch..you don't know me...you don't know the shit I just somehow got through..you don't know how tough it is to fucking keep myself together at that moment and you sure as fuck don't know I have boundary and trust issues with my provider. Keep your damn mouth shut and your nose out off my business or I will fucking bitch slap you from now till Tuesday.

 Yeah, I wish I could have given her smug ass one simple sentence to defend myself. So fucking unprofessional!!! But autism strikes me down again and I don't have the time or resources to come up with an answer, a defense or a comment that would get her slimy, vile judgement words off of me. I couldn't respond, again. In all my internal verbal prep for my appointment, I never entertained the possibility that an outsider would feel the need to weigh in on my behavior with my provider. Didn't think I'd have to prepare to defend myself whole making my next appointment. Once again, I stood there and had to take someone else's shit because I couldn't speak. Stupid fuck. She was the one out of line but I'm the one feeling angry, hurt and miffed.

If I'm lucky, I will never have another reason to go into that goddamn office. 

Nothing routine about that yearly physical for this autisticMPD!!!!!!

Picking Up Stray Dogs & Learning Lessons

So, when I was fishing the other day, I ended up taking home a lost, stray brown lab. She was very docile, friendly and hungry for food and affection. I thought it would be an easy project to find her family again. Boy, I was so wrong. My expectations were not at all parallel to the truth of the matter.
I've spent the last four days working on locating her owner. Today, I ended up at the city police station and asking them to help me in my search. Via microchip, phone calls and internet searching, I'd located the current owners name. He wouldn't return my or the vets calls but he did call when the police stopped by for a "wellness check."
His name is Calvin and he curtly explained that Sadie, an 8 1/2 year old chocolate lab, had "run off" about a week ago. He said he couldn't take her back because his wife was recently diagnosed with a serious illness. I readily got the gist of things. Sadie, without any collar or tages, had "run off" from a public park clear across town from where he lived. Calvin had probably dropped her at the park having cared for her for less than 2 months.
While I can see Calvin's point of view and empathize with his emotional challenges of having a seriously ill spouse, I also feel deeply saddened at his choice of letting Sadie go like that. She had been roaming the park for 4 or 5 days, alone, hungry and unwanted.
Sadie has had a tough life herself. She was at the Holland Humane Society when previous owner Nick picked her up. Nick had a newborn that had severe allergies to dogs but Nick kept her for four years. Then Sadie lived with Calvin for a few weeks before she was abandoned.
The crazy thing is that Sadie is a wonderful, sweet and obedient dog. It's quite clear that she did nothing to deserve this maltreatment. She probably had no idea that she would end up homeless, living in a public park and relying on the kindness of strangers for food and affection. She did nothing to deserve this. Just like someone else I know. She obeys commands readily, demands nothing and is highly, highly well-trained. She rarely barks, does what she's asked, doesn't get into things and yet she was discarded. Innocent Sadie. Beautiful Sadie. Left to fend for herself.
I mean, I'd understand a bit if she was mean, barky or bitey but she is none of those.
So, she is currently staying at my place for a couple days. While I'd love to keep her, Rosebud, my puppy and Cosmo Spaceman, the kitty are terrified of gentle giant Sadie. I have to keep them separated at all times due to Rosebuds jealousy and Cosmos fear. Sadie spends her indoor time with her head in my lap quietly resting. I've been giving her as much love and attention as I can...because I understand being unwanted and mistreated for no reason. I know she's done nothing wrong to warrant this. I know she wants nothing more than a safe home, something to eat and someone to love her.
Yeah, I understand her. Lesson learned.
It wouldn't be fair to keep her here. Not fair to Rosebud, Cosmo and Sadie. I'm currently looking for a permanent home for her. If I haven't found one within 2 days, I'll give her to the local humane society and hope for the best.
Sadie came into my life, briefly and for a good reason. I get it. I feel for her. I know how to make her feel content, even if it is for a short week.