If I allowed myself, I could easily find a reason Not to go out of the house. Each venture out brings the risk of coming in contact with stupid minds and overused, non-thinking mouths. Sorry, venting yet again another venture into the familiar woods of embarrassment and autismPTSD.
I had my yearly physical scheduled for today. Had I any insight into the fact that I would be in a highly sensory, body-memories at the surface kinda hypervigilance, I could have cancelled and rescheduled. It wasn't until I was talking with my Healthcare provider that I realized I was on high alert and riddled with anxiety.
To start things off, the medical assistant gave me a former to fill out as a screening for depression. Really? I didn't know taking a test would be involved. There were these weirdy, autistic unfriendly questions like...would you say you are unhappy with life 0, 1, 2, 3 or 4? And crazy shit like that. As If I could fucking think of my ever changing MPD states and if anyone has had a fucking positive feeling in the last six months. I never got past the first question before I gave up.
Then I forgot the undress, put on a gown instructions..go figure. So I went out and asked one of the other staff. Big mistake cause now I looked and felt like a loon, aka, crazy ass. When my provider finally arrives, it's like she wasn't this trusted person that I was familiar and friendly with...it felt like she was a stranger coming at my with...aw shit...strange, harmful, unknown tools. Okay, now I get it. This crap, this trigger directly relates to this week's therapy session and recent, very recent flashbacks. Shit, no wonder I was so fucking scared on her. She kept asking me to do strange, abnormal shit and I had to constantly protect myself and say "no" many times.
Okay, talking like that to an adult should've gotten me 10-20, or at least backhanded, smacked. Shit, it all makes sense now...
I didn't want anyone to touch me today. True, it is rather rare for me but aversion to any touch, much less someone with their hands on my throat and belly was extremely high.
Damn, how I suffer with these neuro-typical, inconsequential everyday bullshit, piddly-ass stuff. Argh! It felt like fucking torture. I'm sorry, it just did. I couldn't always see where her hands were and I really, really needed to see where they were At All Times. She was too slow or failed to walk me through what she was about to do. Double Argh! Victim mode was turned all the way up..and I couldn't tone it down. I couldn't speak up fast enough to get her to slow down and explain things to me, slloowwwllyyy. Failure, the flashing yellow light of yet another big fail in me against the world.
See, but the worst part, the degrading part had little to do with my provider. As I went to leave, at the receptionist desk, my provider asked if I wanted a hug. Like, umm, No, as I was on sensory-way-overload.
Then, the receptionist says with a snort of derision, "humf, that was rude" implying that I Was Being Rude. Are you fucking kidding me, Bitch!!! Who gave her the fucking right to speak in judgement against my right to protect myself against sensory overload, meltdown and trigger? What the fuck, you condescending low-life bitch..you don't know me...you don't know the shit I just somehow got through..you don't know how tough it is to fucking keep myself together at that moment and you sure as fuck don't know I have boundary and trust issues with my provider. Keep your damn mouth shut and your nose out off my business or I will fucking bitch slap you from now till Tuesday.
Yeah, I wish I could have given her smug ass one simple sentence to defend myself. So fucking unprofessional!!! But autism strikes me down again and I don't have the time or resources to come up with an answer, a defense or a comment that would get her slimy, vile judgement words off of me. I couldn't respond, again. In all my internal verbal prep for my appointment, I never entertained the possibility that an outsider would feel the need to weigh in on my behavior with my provider. Didn't think I'd have to prepare to defend myself whole making my next appointment. Once again, I stood there and had to take someone else's shit because I couldn't speak. Stupid fuck. She was the one out of line but I'm the one feeling angry, hurt and miffed.
If I'm lucky, I will never have another reason to go into that goddamn office.
Nothing routine about that yearly physical for this autisticMPD!!!!!!
