Of friendship & love

Part of me realistically knows that it will always be an extreme challenge to hold on to a good friend. Maybe that Is my reality. Maybe I shouldn't expend all the unnecessary energy and worry and call it all fair, good and logical. Maybe learning acceptance will be my best route.
A fish can't climb a tree anymore than a tree can walk up that mountain...let's just get real.
Time to reorganize my priorities and keep them in line with my actual abilities. Novel concept.
I need to make my domicile more user friendly, discard all the clothes that no longer fit and give away the knick knacks that no longer move me. I need my books, my art supplies, a few good notebooks and a desk to start creating again.
Will I ever be loved as someone's main, one and only? Maybe not, so why fret or plan or primp? Maybe it would be nice to actually be in love with a caring person....or maybe that's beyond my reach as well. I'm not going to sweat it or lose any sleep. I see who I am and it's all good.

Imprisoned

Hollowman

I'm not a memorable person...more like a whisp you met once, but can't remember her name but she had wild hair.
Half the time people misread or mishear my name and call me Ann. I have the timid voice of a tiger whipped too much every time she roared...as if my voice might disturb, cause anger and force someone into a rage.
A wallflower blended in to faded wallpaper.
Yeah, I think there is more work to do

No one Knows

The other day, after talking with my new potential therapist about my lack of friends and humans that know I'm alive, she remarked: if I'm hearing you right, it sounds as if no one knows who you are...
Sigh
Yeah, the only people that get to know me are therapists. Two people, in the world, know me. Thank god for paid professionals.

Oh, yeah, the Apology

Unlike others I have known, I've gotten better and quicker at knowing I've committed an infraction resulting in the moral need for a formal apology.
The other groggy morning, I received a call from little guys doctors office. This new receptionist was quickly rambling off about what the doc said regarding my son's limb difference.
The doc was talking out of her ass about something she didn't have enough information about. I was stunned, pissed and so not in the mood for a load of morning bullshit. I stammered and stuttered and said something about finding a clinic, dadada and abruptly hung up the phone. I was befuddled.
A few hours later, as I was relaying this event to my potential therapist I thought "Omg, I was rude and she was just doing her job. I have to stop by the office and apologize!"
I spent the next couple hours figuring out why I had been so flustered. What was I going to say to the receptionist? How can I fix this mistake of mine? I wasn't at all embarrassed or self-deprecating on myself. Weird. I just knew my autistic and emotional manner got me into a problem situation that needed fixing.
That afternoon I did just that. I stopped at the office, asked to speak to her and thoroughly apologized.
The woman was relieved. She said she was wondering what she had done wrong on our phone call All Morning. I'm so glad I explained that it had nothing to do with her. It was all about me....and I fixed what I had broke ☺

Busy Day of Ups, Downs & Apologize

Today was bust from dawn till dusk. My first task was to try and locate little guys misplaced iPad. I stopped by the local police/ sheriff office to see if anyone had turned one in. No luck.
Headed home to call the school bus garage. Bingo, there was an iPad with Darth Vader...the missing!! So, I drove over there, picked it up and dropped it off at the school.
Next, I was on to call the cable/ phone company and find out why my new modem wasn't working for my recently purchased landline. The customer service rep and I chatted for a half hour or so and she easily fixed my phone line. Another large, looming task that has needed tending for the past week or two.
With two major accomplishments, you'd think my day was grand, wouldn't you?
Nope, as I cooked my daily lunch of potatoes, onions and vegetables...I inexplicably burned them to a crisp thereby telling me that my smoke alarm did indeed work and I lost my lunch. Sigh
Off to Goodwill for a bookcase. The used, scrappy one I had picked up finally broke apart last night and I needed to have a place to set the phone. Found a decent, tall bookcase and had it loaded into my car. I spent the next two hours making space, vacuuming and clearing out the old broken one. One of the kind maintenence guys was around. I asked him if he could help me out. He grabbed a dolly and the new case was in the place.
No time to rest as I had to stop at the doctor, therapists and school to give them my new primary phone number. It's nice to be able to receive messages, again.
Finally, ugh, it's time to rest. It's a definite full-time job for me to be mom, apartment owner, bill payer, grocery shopper and resident cook. It never slowed down today.
I really did accomplish much.

Finding a Therapist, Talking

Yesterday, I met with my new potential therapist for the first time. It could work. I'll give it a couple more visits.
Funny, insurance isn't a problem and meeting weekly isn't one either...so different from Michigan where I could only receive 20 sessions for a full calendar year before it was out of pocket.
The office is quite comfy and cozy with a big ol love seat and two other soft chairs. Sigh.
It's so weird to talk for an hour to someone after not having conversed for that length for about three months. I was completely exhausted afterwards. My verbal center certainly wasn't used to working for that long. I took today off to bike around, pick up a bit and take a much needed nap.
Getting a therapist was my last big objective regarding my Big Move. We will see how it goes from here.