I am just a nothing

Unwanted

Unwarranted

Unloved

If I fell in the forest

The leaves and roots

Would reclaim me

Before anyone noticed

I am nobody

To come home to

To hug

To smile at

To look forward to

I am awash in

Anonymity 

And disconnect

Few distant 

Relationships

Nothing close

No one close

At my side

Sitting next to me

Across the table

Alongside the

Sidewalk

The Aloneness 

Of months and years,

Knowing my future

Months and years

Will be more of the same.

She stood invisible

In heavy traffic

No one noticed

She had stepped

In the road

Or cared

That she did

She was nobody

A nobody

Insignificant 

Of No importance 

To any one

But her self

And then

She stopped

Caring

About herself.

The nobody

Had no one

And they call it life

Even when it is filled to the brim

With pain

Radiating

Exploding

Unceasing

Bringing her to her knees

Unnamed

From places and

Circumstances unknown

She was consumed

By the pain...

...

...

...

And she

In her extreme Aloneness 

And agonizing pain

Wrote this...

Maybe someone will hear

And know she is there

And can understand 

How deeply she suffers 

In her silence

In her dark

Little corner...

...

No one looks for her

No one misses her

No one hugs her

No one wants to be by her

No one tells her

I miss you

I love you

I'm happy to see you...

She is very sad

Nobody is very very sad

😔 

She's talking about Incest again, omg, like she spent her entire childhood being raped every week, Family Secrets

Watching this documentary, made me realize how easy it was for siblings and family members to picture me as nothing but a liar, out for some hidden, non-existant gain. Seriously, what possible motivation does a child or an adult have that they would blatantly talk about being sexually abused, raped by a family member? The only reason is to free themselves from the pain and shame of being forced to keep secrets for years and decades. Freedom can be found in words, truth spoken. The emotional pain is lessened and can start healing Only with the spoken words.

People see what they want to see, especially in families deeply entrenched with physical and sexual abuses. No one wants to believe a father could molest his daughter week after week, year after year.

If so, why didn't she tell anybody? Like anyone would believe one little girl over a family's rally cry behind the good husbandfather. Threats were constant, violent and frequent. 

It's good to see incest being talked about.

Truth is truth, even if it's ugly and makes your stomach turn and you don't want to believe it.

Incest Happens

Talk about it

Don't ever let the perpetrators win

Start healing

Speak your truth

Stop loving your mother

It was actually really easy to stop caring about my mother once I remembered how she whored me at 5 for groceries every week.

I really do not care about her at all anymore. Oh darn, the mother child bond broken by gross criminal malfeasance. 

Barn Quilts

My latest project is perfect for me. It's cloudy winter. I require bright colors. I love to paint but have no original designs hanging out within my head. Enter the Barn Quilt. A single quilt block, painted on to wood and hung outdoors on a building or indoors.

The first one I completed [all are acrylic paint on 12" X 12" wood] is called many names: Hidden Star, Pigs in a Blanket, or LeMoyne Star, to name a few.

The second one is called Courthouse Steps with the black center representing the judge. 

The third is the most popular quilt block, the Log Cabin. The red center represents the hearth of the home. The pattern is hundreds of years old.

Every day I paint for a few hours. Love it.

Busy getting screwed over and overlooked

This week has been ugly.

Let's start with how I did a favor for a friend with the promise of reimbursement for gas money.

I had to drive 50 miles one way to check out an airport that I'd never been to because my friend asked me to pick her up.

I took the afternoon to drive down there. On my way home, I stopped on the way to take photos, and that's when the battery blew up. If I hadn't agreed to this favor, I would have never been 18 miles out of town. Sure, the battery probably would have blown at some point but more than likely closer to home saving money on the mileage for the tow truck which was over 250$. The only reason I was that far out of town was because of the favor.

Car gets towed and fixed so I go to pick up my friend from the airport after 11pm. Oh, she missed her connection. So, my two hours, 100 mile trip for naught. I go back home.

Next morning, I drive another 50 to the airport, puck her up and then 50 more miles back.

I ask about the gas money. She says she'll catch me later.

Mind you, that's 300 miles worth of gas, a 550-600$ car tow and repair, and over 6 hours of my time and I live on disability where every dollar counts. I'm out bucks that I can't replace.

So, we meet for coffee last week, over a week since the airport trips. Halfway through, I realize I have to ask for the gas money cause she hasn't mentioned it.

I sheepishly ask if I can inquire about the gas money. Oh, she has to get it from the bank. Oh, she was just at the bank. She had forgotten my gas money. She says she'll get it to me.

That was last week. I'm still short. Still low on funds and unreimbursed.

I'm fucking invisible people. My biggest quality is how easily I am forgotten and overlooked. I don't think I have it in me to ask again. But, I have learned my lesson. No more free rides. 

Next, I had arranged to meet someone new at a local place. I arrive on time and text her. Oh, she is somewhere else but she will get there as soon as she can. 25 minutes later. 25 minutes later. No excuse other than time got away from her or she just forgot.

I'm that invisible. I do not make an impression of people. I'm like wallpaper. Always there. Completely unnoticeable. Just a f

ucking nobody.

Yeah. It hasn't gone well this week. 

It's safest, least painful to just stay home and avoid the hurt of being forgotten. Sometimes I really hate this not being noticeable, respected, liked or even loved. It's really difficult. I try and fail.

Stay home.

Stop the hurt.

I refuse to engage and put myself out there to be ignorantly stomped on.

I feel like a failure

Because my car battery blew up and left me stranded 10 miles out of town, in the middle of the road, on a bridge over dying water. The sound of the explosion as I turned the ignition on, was like a gunshot fired from a stray hunter's gun stopping me dead in my tracks. 

The cloud burst of tears. In panic and desperation breath, I called the emergency contact that I had trusted for over 25 years.

Hush, hush.

I feel like a failure because I had to ask for financial help with the 226$ tow bill and the 356$ repair that my monthly 900$ disability payment could not afford. Disability because I am and have been unable to work due to Multiple Personality Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Disorder from a childhood, teenhood spent surviving weekly incest and monthly bouts of being sold as a child prostitute to groups of men.

Owning a car seems like a luxury reserved for the able bodied, the unabused and those survivors stronger than I.

I feel like a failure because I had to ask people to sacrifice their hard earned incomes for the sorry likes of me.

What did I do to deserve this?

I feel bad that I am getting help. I'm grateful but I feel like a heel.

I'm sorry I'm not better equipped to live my life in a fulfilling manner.

Forgive me.

Sometimes I need help.

You can live without love

You can live completely alone without anyone to love you. No hugs. No one to hold your hand. No one to care that you've been in bed all day. No "I love yous" in words, eyes or smile.

It can be done. 

Love is overrated.

Or, rather, unobtainable. 

You can live without it if that's just the way it is.

And you can grow up without a parent to love you, to care, to hold and make the bad stuff all go away.

Love is probably great, if you can get it.