Aspergers and Me...My First Post

I was curious as to how long I had been blogging (jan. 27, 2010) and what my first post was. So here it is..


The story goes that I was a difficult child. Every time someone went to pick me up, I would cry and scream. Why I was so different from my older brother no one knew or cared to explore.
I was born with Aspergers Syndrome as was my father, grandfather, great-grandmother and now, my eldest son. Back then no one knew the term. They just thought I was introverted, shy and over sensitive.
It was like being an alien in a foreign land. I could see people, watch them interact, but be unable to mimic their behaviours. I had no idea how to make a friend, much less keep one.
"Why was everyone else so odd?" "Why was I unable to fit in? Anywhere?"
Aspergers wasn't in the encyclopedias I was reading when I was 9., nor could I find it in the dictionaries I browsed. I did read about autism, but only a few criteria matched up.
I'd like to talk about my Apsergers and what it was and is like. I am 46 now and only gave name to my condition 5 years ago when my eldest son was diagnosed. Looking at my son who is all of 17, is like looking in a mirror. His diagnosis has helped me in many ways. It has made my life easier,a thousand fold.
Here are some of my observations:
THOUGHTS ARE OBSESSIVE
If I get an idea in my head, say...I want to start a blog...the rest of the world comes to a halt and vanishes. There is no laundry that needs doing, no that phone doesn't need answering, I am not hungry..nothing else matters.
The immediate train of thought is the only thing that exists and I must do everything, concentrate all my efforts and resources into this train. Call it being focused, driven, overly fixated, whatever...that's just the way my brain works.
All Faces Look THE SAME
I have great difficulty remember people I have met. If I meet two blonde women who are in the same decade, I would be hard-pressed to tell them apart were I to meet them again.
I remember how funny it was to watch MTVS, "The Real World" (where I was hopelessly trying to get a clue as to how to socially interact...it was Hopeless) and being unable to distinguish this blonde chicky from that one and one dark haired guy from the other...Faces just don't stand out..(must be why I enjoy seeing people with piercings..I can remember piercings) Everyone looks the same, nondescript.
EMOTIONS ARE A CHALLENGE
For one thing, identifying how I am feeling is quite an effort. Its difficult for me to label my emotions. They just don't fall into neat little categories. And it has only been in the past few years that I have become somewhat comfortable with being on the human spectrum and displaying my emotions.
They seemed to be....things...best left in a barrel with a strong lid. LOL...but seriously. Other people seemed to have these feelings willy-nilly and just be all over the place with them..being driven first to crash themselves into one wall and the next second to be jumping from a cliff. Really...did I aspire to be like them? Heck no. I was rather self-contained and overly self-controlling.
I remember watching my parents fight. Mom would be emotionally discharging all over the place and father would be quiet and sullen. His response of choice was to throw something, hit someone or just sit and take it.
When people would get upset with me, I would step back and try and process what was going on..often it took me hours to figure altercations out..sometimes days.
Now, watch and Take Two Steps Back because I am now in touch with this beautiful beast called Anger that has allowed me to break through walls and accomplice wondrous feats all because I learned how to tame and use the beast..appropriately.
PAUSE...GIVE ME A MINUTE
While I was the fastest test taker throughout the school years (I either knew the answer or I didn't, now lets move on)(and yes, I do have a high IQ and am quite intellectually talented) if you present me with a brand new situation..ok, like the time the swim teacher wasn't watching my 6 year old and he was bobbing up and down under the water...it took me three days and talking to two trusted friends before I realized that I needed to call the head instructor and appropriately vent my wrath and disapproval at this outrageous occurrence. THREE DAYS. Most parents probably would have figured it out within minutes and approached said instructor but some things process veerrryy veerryy slowly for this Aspie.
I will continue to write and share my exploits...for the Aspergers mind is truly a thing of mystery and horrendous beauty.

Wow, things haven't changed too much since this first post...except my awareness..probably my acceptance of self. Its as if I took these few ideas and expanded on them throughout the past year.
Yeah, 344 posts in a bit over a year...with probably about 10-20 that I have deleted. Guess I must like writing.
OMG, the incident with Younglink almost drowning...that was one scary moment. Seriously, he almost drown before my eyes...pure terrifying...still trying to get over that incident enough to take him to his swim lessons..guess I will actually be doing that this week as partner is laid up.
Actually, everything in my external world has changed this past year...seriously...everything...its just me these days now..its just me that is free, just me that can walk and is physically capable..just me taking the majority of care of Younglink..just me running the house...its kindof surreal to think what it was like a year ago..surreal, and just plain sad...change isn't always easily...it just happens a lot

Going Lactose Free..Diet Gluten, Food Stuff

I tend to spend a fair amount of time reading other Aspie blogs, scanning the internet for Aspie articles and lately, reading a book all about Aspergers. Geez, one would think I had it..or at least a well-formed obsession with the subject.
Anyway, one of those reoccurring themes has been diet. I read about intestinal rumblings and grumblings and autism and I tend to agree...there is disharmony. So, in my ever striving to become a healthier alien, I have decided to go lactose, dairy free. I had done this rather half-heartily a few times before but what I was lacking was a decent, palatable milk substitute. I had even gone so far as to try a bit of Edensoy, until I realized that I have a rather quick and altogether unpleasant allergic reaction to soy, which startled and surprized me as I am most allergic, in the same sense of symptoms to sulfates. I never would have thought that soy had any of those offensive qualities in quantities enough to make me so ill. I have to avoid all soy.
I even purchased some other milk substitute a few months back, but never even got around to opening it before the expiration date. So that went in the garbage.
My latest venture to the local health food store found me picking up some Rice Milk. Hmm, sounds strange but I am feeling willing to actually try new things these days so I gave it a go. I most carefully read the entire outer package for ingredients and insight...looks doable. I picked out the smallest of our drinking glasses and poured a bit in. Hmmm, not bad and most importantly, no bad reaction. I can do this.
Later on, I went so far as to drink a whole small glass along with my pop tarts (ok, Pop T's probably aren't the healthiest of choices but, hey, I'm not perfect :) It has a very non-offensive taste, slightly sweet..there is an absence of..thickness and something else I can't quite catch. It is really a very good substitute for milk.
I have also given up the cheese thing. While not a huge cheese fan, I do tend to put a little bit on salads and ham sandwiches...I can let that go. Now pizza...hmmm, tough one there because that is in my favorite food group. I may still indulge once in a while, just with much less frequency. You have got to have cheese on pizza, c'mon...I Am Part Human you know...LOL
So, I'll be blogging about how this latest endeavour goes.
Gluten is another area that I want to try diminishing. I say diminish because I have less confidence in my ability to find suitable substitutes in that arena. I have a piece of toast with peanut butter every morning and that will be a challenge to alter.
I will work around the edges though as I picked up some gluten-free oatmeal to replace my nightly ritual. I tried it last night for the first time and it works. Omg, I made corn muffins with half gluten free flour and it was really quite horrid. I'll keep looking.
Its time to make some potential positive attempts at a healthier lifestyle...thus I stumble and roll...Later

I Hear Spring

Eldest was right...some of us are more in touch with the earth and the changing cycles and seasons.
Friday was the first time this year, that I heard the sweet, soft sounds of spring. As I returned to my vehicle after dropping off the little guy, I heard birds singing in the small strand of cedars near Lady Abigail. I think that I did actually, physically stopped to listen as it was so very striking to me. I could pick out the usual chickadee-dee-dees and maybe a titmouse. I strained to decipher whether that was a robin or cardinal that I heard in the cacophony...still not sure, probably cardinal, too early for robins. The chirping had a quality to it that was different than the idle, mainstay winter calls....it was like, lilting...a lightness, a definitive change in tempo and rhyme.
I do tend to be more sensitive than the avg. and the ground, the earth...hmmm..it is like soft vibrations, distant pleasant rumblings, a very slow awakening....Distant, yes, quite far away but there when last week it wasn't. Change is in the air or rather, deeply under the ground :)
I Hear and Feel Spring Approaching

Painting..Creating

As I sat down to start my latest painting...the one pictured in the post below...I thought of a number of things.
One, I want this to be for me...what do I want to see?
Two, I realized that I enjoy color and wanted to utilize it to its full potential.
Three, I wanted it to be busy and complicated, highly detailed, so that when I put it on the wall,there would always be a new area to examine, see and delight in. Yeah, its brain food for me :)
Four, I wanted to let go a bit and not be so controlling and precise. I didn't go back and fix or redo if I accidentally went out of the lines...I kinda let it happen. That was a huge step for me to be willing to try.
Five, This is for me and All my artistic creations are little bits of me that I am wiling to share, to see and to be enjoyed.
Six, the majority of my art is touchable. And this painting is no different. I can't resist touching it and feeling all its furrows, ridges, valleys and peaks. It even feels beautiful.
Seven, I didn't want to overthink it. I did not want to assess meaning to every color and shape. Another biggie. I just let it flow.
Immediately upon its completion, I got this..hmmm..very emotional feeling of, probably happiness, joy, adoration. This is exactly as I pictured it in my head. I cannot convey how very much I love this painting!!!!

All That I Am

All That I Am
Here is the first painting that I have done in many, many, many months...yes, it seems that long
I love This!!!!

Its acrylic on an about 12 x 12 piece of 3/4 inch pine

Painting Myself Into The Corner

Okay, so today, Dr. Phil said something aloud that I had been thinking. And reading John Elders latest post reinforced it. Obviously, I need to go there.
I feel like i have painted myself into the corner. I have allowed fear and apprehension, over-protectiveness and the wanting to avoid sensory overload and the possibility of being made fun of or taken advantage of to back myself up firmly against the wall.
Quite simply, I have allowed old self-programming to overtake my daily existence to the point that i am afraid to try just about anything new and to avoid, basically, leaving my home.
Whilst previously, it probably wasn't a bad idea to stick around the house when I was so vulnerable and naive, now, I'm thinking about moving on and examining all these now faulty old thought patterns.
I tend to avoid all social situations, but, not all social interactions are negative or problematic. As I stated in a recent post, I really have done quite well at surrounding myself with people that are pretty darn stable, trustworthy and safe. So, I think that old automatic dread really needs to go. I mean, if I don't like where i am or if I get uncomfortable,I can always leave. I have that power and ability these days.
I think my anxiety and fear is partially inherited and partly learned. I continue to echo some of my mothers old fears....sometimes I think twice before using the microwave, even though they are perfectly safe.
Lol, she trusted no one and the only evil doers I ever met lived in her house.
I can't remember the last time anyone tried taking advantage of me...and I think I could probably spot it these days.
Something, that I have discovered as of late....most people want to help one another. And if i don't know the answer to something, I have a top 5 list of friends I can call to ask.

Just trying to dispel, bring forth and recognize some of the erroneous thinking patterns that I have fallen into.

Its like, last week, the oil in a pan burst and kindof exploded, the old me would have avoided that pain and potential danger by going to the extreme and never using the stove again. Yes, i was startled and scared but i realized it was time to not give in to the old comfortable ways of always giving up....one sting does not a swarm make....Always giving up...hmmmm..that seems to strike one of those familiar emotional cords.
There comes a point...when you stop trying...and give up on taking risks. I see quite clearly that I have come to that point. And its time to change.
Dr. Phil was saying that your brain turns to automatic programming when the same pattern of thought repeats itself enough. I have automatically become full of anxiety and fear.
Its like that one time, I stuck my hand in the oven and got burned...didn't want to do it again...but the oven isn't turned on anymore.
Somehow, i have to realize that today isn't yesterday. And while some situations may be similar, each is unique. Maybe i would be able to see better if I were more in the now, instead of reliving the emotional patterns and anticipating negative reactions.
John Elder Robinson of "Look Me in the Eye" book fame, was talking about how worry and fear are an integral part of the Aspie survival guide. We are so busy trying to avoid over stimulation, rejection and pain that we spend the majority of our time trying to predict possible scenarios and appropriate responses to not get hurt or look stupid. And often times we (Aspies) worry about things that 99% of the time, never come to pass.
Maybe I have become so intimate with my fear and anxiety that I either can't figure out a way to be without it or I am reluctant to give up my familiar, my security.
Dang, I'm not sure what I am like without fear. Seems the only times I have ever felt safe was when I was around certain individuals, partners or friends.
Seems I have gotten so used to the crutch, that I forgot that I was born able to walk.
Hmmm, there must be some sort of balance available. Mostly between my outside interactions and my needing time to myself without perpetually keeping the door closed. Maybe its time to oil the hinges and leave it open a crack.
In regards to people, heck, there are some i have to tolerate (school), some to keep at a distance and way out of my hemisphere (biological family) and some that I could keep the door open for more often than I have.
Well, this isn't as clear as I would like..but its a good start.

Trying to Fix The Mirror, Self Awarness...Reflection

Ever since i picked up this mirror, a few months back, I have been trying to get it to work.
I guess I am not surprized that i just was diagnosed with a bacterial eye infection today....I really haven't been "seeing" well. And I have begun to realize exactly how much I look, but fail to see.
I have mirrors, but they do not work. They reflect back this very odd, vague figure of someone, this almost stranger, looking back at me.
My age perpetually surprizes me. The mirror is the only thing that tries to tell me this truth. And I rarely look. Mirrors are strictly decorative, at least in my house.
Sometimes I take a glance on the way out the door, to see if my hair is all scattered and akimbo...I think its about 50/ 50 as to whether or not it actually registers in my brain that I need that brush.
Younglink, ah, my little Wonder and bundle of boy, Him, I always see because he would have it no other way. he knows enough to get right in my face to state his point or to check something out, and he always registers :)
My partner, hmmm, I probably only see her once a week or so, if I consciously tell myself too. She could have a brand new doo, or a new shirt on and it doesn't register. So, I have been working on seeing better, improving my vision.
Yeah, I wear glasses just for the close stuff and that really is not an excuse. I don't know if i have always been this way with my vision. Is this a current affair? Or I am just becoming aware that I have always been this way? I'm thinking its a little of both.
I know that I don't remember faces very well at all and that the majority of people all look alike to me. So, that leads me to think that this is more long-standing.
Why do people look in the mirror? I guess I equate that with checking for flaws or vanity...neither of which I find or believe true in this moment.
I guess I really don't know how to make this mirror work. I thought if i wrote about it, some sort of answer would float by...but, nope, I have none.