I was curious as to how long I had been blogging (jan. 27, 2010) and what my first post was. So here it is..
The story goes that I was a difficult child. Every time someone went to pick me up, I would cry and scream. Why I was so different from my older brother no one knew or cared to explore.
I was born with Aspergers Syndrome as was my father, grandfather, great-grandmother and now, my eldest son. Back then no one knew the term. They just thought I was introverted, shy and over sensitive.
It was like being an alien in a foreign land. I could see people, watch them interact, but be unable to mimic their behaviours. I had no idea how to make a friend, much less keep one.
"Why was everyone else so odd?" "Why was I unable to fit in? Anywhere?"
Aspergers wasn't in the encyclopedias I was reading when I was 9., nor could I find it in the dictionaries I browsed. I did read about autism, but only a few criteria matched up.
I'd like to talk about my Apsergers and what it was and is like. I am 46 now and only gave name to my condition 5 years ago when my eldest son was diagnosed. Looking at my son who is all of 17, is like looking in a mirror. His diagnosis has helped me in many ways. It has made my life easier,a thousand fold.
Here are some of my observations:
THOUGHTS ARE OBSESSIVE
If I get an idea in my head, say...I want to start a blog...the rest of the world comes to a halt and vanishes. There is no laundry that needs doing, no that phone doesn't need answering, I am not hungry..nothing else matters.
The immediate train of thought is the only thing that exists and I must do everything, concentrate all my efforts and resources into this train. Call it being focused, driven, overly fixated, whatever...that's just the way my brain works.
All Faces Look THE SAME
I have great difficulty remember people I have met. If I meet two blonde women who are in the same decade, I would be hard-pressed to tell them apart were I to meet them again.
I remember how funny it was to watch MTVS, "The Real World" (where I was hopelessly trying to get a clue as to how to socially interact...it was Hopeless) and being unable to distinguish this blonde chicky from that one and one dark haired guy from the other...Faces just don't stand out..(must be why I enjoy seeing people with piercings..I can remember piercings) Everyone looks the same, nondescript.
EMOTIONS ARE A CHALLENGE
For one thing, identifying how I am feeling is quite an effort. Its difficult for me to label my emotions. They just don't fall into neat little categories. And it has only been in the past few years that I have become somewhat comfortable with being on the human spectrum and displaying my emotions.
They seemed to be....things...best left in a barrel with a strong lid. LOL...but seriously. Other people seemed to have these feelings willy-nilly and just be all over the place with them..being driven first to crash themselves into one wall and the next second to be jumping from a cliff. Really...did I aspire to be like them? Heck no. I was rather self-contained and overly self-controlling.
I remember watching my parents fight. Mom would be emotionally discharging all over the place and father would be quiet and sullen. His response of choice was to throw something, hit someone or just sit and take it.
When people would get upset with me, I would step back and try and process what was going on..often it took me hours to figure altercations out..sometimes days.
Now, watch and Take Two Steps Back because I am now in touch with this beautiful beast called Anger that has allowed me to break through walls and accomplice wondrous feats all because I learned how to tame and use the beast..appropriately.
PAUSE...GIVE ME A MINUTE
While I was the fastest test taker throughout the school years (I either knew the answer or I didn't, now lets move on)(and yes, I do have a high IQ and am quite intellectually talented) if you present me with a brand new situation..ok, like the time the swim teacher wasn't watching my 6 year old and he was bobbing up and down under the water...it took me three days and talking to two trusted friends before I realized that I needed to call the head instructor and appropriately vent my wrath and disapproval at this outrageous occurrence. THREE DAYS. Most parents probably would have figured it out within minutes and approached said instructor but some things process veerrryy veerryy slowly for this Aspie.
I will continue to write and share my exploits...for the Aspergers mind is truly a thing of mystery and horrendous beauty.
Wow, things haven't changed too much since this first post...except my awareness..probably my acceptance of self. Its as if I took these few ideas and expanded on them throughout the past year.
Yeah, 344 posts in a bit over a year...with probably about 10-20 that I have deleted. Guess I must like writing.
OMG, the incident with Younglink almost drowning...that was one scary moment. Seriously, he almost drown before my eyes...pure terrifying...still trying to get over that incident enough to take him to his swim lessons..guess I will actually be doing that this week as partner is laid up.
Actually, everything in my external world has changed this past year...seriously...everything...its just me these days now..its just me that is free, just me that can walk and is physically capable..just me taking the majority of care of Younglink..just me running the house...its kindof surreal to think what it was like a year ago..surreal, and just plain sad...change isn't always easily...it just happens a lot
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